STRAIGHT

Last Post Here

2008-07-04T15:13:00.003-04:00

It's like getting a haircut.

At least, that's what it's like to my mind. The endless staring at the mirror/screen because you're just not satisfied. You know you have to get rid of it, you have to show that things are changing, but you don't want to lose all of yourself, or disappoint the people who have gotten used to you the way you are.

Change is good and chaotic and haphazard and it happens.

So I am changing to here with a few things here and here and if you wish, you can keep up with my antics in my hometown here.

Panther

2008-05-28T13:24:00.005-04:00

It's weird when you talk to people your own age and realize just how much younger than you your husband really is.

And by you I mean me, of course.

Yes, he is only 4 years younger than me, nearly five, and most of the time, it is no big deal. We both think alike, we both share the same interests, the same goals, we both want the same life, etc.

It's the little things, like what grade he was in the first time he heard Korn's debut CD or not knowing who Carol Burnett is, or not remember my generation's Doctor Who (#4, played by Tom Baker) because his tenure ended one year after he was born (granted, it ended when I was 4, but given that I caught up when I was 13 and my husband 9, I think you see my point).

The thing that reminds me the most of our age difference is the years he remembers doing things. In 1994, I was running down Comm Ave in Boston, MA listening to the first Korn album, a freshman in college. In 1994, my husband was stomping pie into the new band room carpet because his band director hated him, a freshman in high school. Again, I think you see my point.

I'm not one to talk, mainly because I'm completely anachronistic. I listen to music from the 20s to today. I know television programs that existed decades before my birth. I watch shows generally delegated to the young and/or the elderly. I have odd habits that put me, at different times, with different groups of people. It may explain why my husband and I get along so well. Sure, we don't have a vast age difference, like some people do, but we do have a little trouble communicating culturally when I have to explain Tim Conway's ad lib style on the Carol Burnett show because he's never seen it.

Musically, my husband is just as anachronistic. He knows music from the 60s and 70s like people who lived during those times. I'm out of the loop when it comes to the music he loves, but somehow, we make it work, even if he doesn't know who Mrs. Wiggins and Mr. Tudball are.

Moving Again...

2008-05-14T14:03:00.003-04:00

Anybody want to help?

Well, it's that time again, when a young couple's fancy turns to saving money. They have to move out of their lovely apartment to a different apartment and now they needs to find someone to rent their old lovely apartment.

Does that sound like something that should happen every spring? I'm hoping one day the "big move" will be the permanent one. But also, I love to travel and if I had to keep moving, I don't think I would mind. I just wish I had the moola to pay someone to move the big stuff.

It's been a long few weeks (months?) since I last wrote. Nothing much has happened. How do you make nothing interesting?

I mean, the most interesting, devastating thing that's happened is the tornado(s) that ripped through Macon, causing a state of emergency, an 8pm curfew (which I have yet to adhere to) and lots of destruction. I haven't even seen it all. I haven't been on Mercer, I don't know what Monroe county looks like, I haven't seen what my families' houses might look like, it's ridiculous. The worse we got is lost power for more than 12 hours and a piece of bark on the sunroof of the car. It was a big piece of bark. The front yard of the parent house (the house my current landlords live in) looked like the trees shed their skin or something, but the street I'm moving to, Magnolia, looked like nothing happened... well, almost.

Washington Park looked a bit messy, but not too bad and a couple of branches came off a few trees at the top of the street. Yet just a mile up, destruction, no power, no water, and looting as people took advantage of some people's lack of power. A friend of mine works for a Big Store and she had to go to work that day - no one was about and the boss didn't understand. It couldn't have been that bad, he said, because it wasn't on the news. Well, I didn't have power, I wouldn't know. All I know is that I got lots of checking on me calls that morning and I sent out a few of my own.

It was a good day for sleeping and when we couldn't sleep anymore, we went to a friend's house, later played kickball in gale force winds trying to figure out where we would run to if a tornado touched down again, and then going back to eat, sore, exhausted, ready to go home once the lights came on.

So yeah, nothing much has happened. Maybe I'll have something interesting to say in August when I get back from South Africa.

Speaking of Babies...

2008-04-01T12:20:00.002-04:00

Lauren or Michael?

Damnit!

Baby Shower

2008-03-31T01:21:00.003-04:00

I was invited to a baby show. I don't usually go to those things because most of my friends are guys and guys don't usually GO to those things. But this particular friend has a fiance like me (which may be why I like her) and she had a shower that was both sexes.

The night before, I find out that a friend of mine and his wife will be there. He and I were chatting and as we discussed the shower, we hoped there would be beer. Then we realized that, for what we might be about to put up with - a baby shower, possibly only knowing each other and the mom and dad, and a baby shower - there had better be beer.

The shower turned into a reunion of sorts. It turns out that A., the mother, knows some of the same people I know. So we all grab a beer, Newcastle (A., the dad's, favourite) and we stand around the food table talking and laughing. All the guys but one were husbands of someone. all the girls but 2 were the wives of someone. Every woman at the shower were all women who don't usually have other women as friends, so it wasn't so bad. I lasted nearly 30 minutes laughing and talking in the living room with them before I started to yperventilate and went outside to hand with the guys. They laughed at me, then we went in to watch A. open her gifts. I would like to say that part was fun, but we stood around in the back of the room talking undour our breath and drinking more Newcastles.

My gift was not in a pretty bag with a card. I realized then that I need a wife who would make sure that all that stuff was right for other people. As it were, my gift was more last minute than I would have liked. I mean, I was sick for two days preceding. That should be some kind of excuse, right?

In the end, it was a great time. I got to drink a few beers with friends, I got to eat some great food, had some really excellent chocolate cake (it was a baby face, complete with pacifier - very cute, if you're into that sort of thing) and to say a good time was had by all would be making light of a great time.

Being Away

2008-03-21T07:55:00.002-04:00

First of all, I am typing on a keyboard that is set up very different - the outside keys anyway. I can't connect to the internet because neither one of us knows the other language well enough to get the same information from his windows computer to my mac.

Anyway. you know how it is when you are away from home. You like that you are gone, you enjoy your environment, but you really miss the things of home. Not things like food. but things like hanging out with your friends every Thursday and watching LOST together and waking up snuggled next to your husband or just walking around your own house.

We are on day 8 of our 10 day trip and although I love being here (here, right now, is France!!!!!!!!), I really want to go home.

This Is Why

2008-03-12T18:02:00.004-04:00

I think the reason I try so hard to get better and be good at what I do and hopefully, eventually, be the best is because one day, when a meteor is heading towards the earth and all of humanity is panicking and the President of the United States calls for all the best of the artists and great thinkers and orators and all of that to be put in the special underground bunkers specifically designed and stocked up for just such a disaster, before they hold a lottery for everyone else, I want to be called to go to the underground artist hideout to ride out the impact.

Cause I've never played the lottery in my life and I don't like my chances otherwise.

No Fun

2008-02-28T00:37:00.005-05:00

Lately, all I've done is work, do extra work to make some money for my trip, and sit at Joshua Cup doing all my web surfing while my husband works.

I watched the show Quarterlife and I think I'm going to start a videoblog as well. Although mine won't tell about the lives of all my friends, because I don't have any.

I'm only kidding - all my friends read this blog, so eventually, they will comment and out themselves with only slight nudging from me.

I'm too excited about going to Europe. And then after that, I'm going to Africa with commenter bigben and his lovely wife.

I'm becoming addicted to word games. I've been playing Scrabulous on Facebook with a couple of friends. I have three games going. One I'm doing okay, the other I just started with the guy who graduated as the salutatorian of our high school... I graduated #7. Then I'm getting my ass kicked by someone I met online a long time ago. The score is 273 to 237 and I have seven letters which all have a base score of 1... basically all vowels and I've been adding them to words here and there. That game sucks... I've already lost one game (also against bigben) and that sucks even more, because it shows the score and if I lose them all, then what kind of writer am I? I feel like I'm lagging behind, even though I still consider myself a word nerd.

I'm also playing this game called Eight Letters Word Game. That's getting to be addictive. And always, when I'm on whatever is the highest level and I can't figure out what the 8 letter word is so I'm trying to string together as many words as I can to make my points, someone comes up and talks to me. Even in my own home. I hate feeling rude, but I gotta increase my score! It's a fun little game though.

So, yeah, all I do is sit and do things at the computer. Sometimes that includes writing, sometimes not. I got good advice from Chris Offutt and that was to write for one minute every day. I can do that. It doesn't seem like a lot and it keeps stretching into longer periods of time. I mean, there are days when I'll be writing for hours, but then there are days when I don't touch the keyboard for the purpose of storytelling. So one minute a day is getting me into a habit I should have developed long ago - writing something everyday.

Okay, I'm done boring you.

Kville Is Probably Cancelled

2008-02-28T00:32:00.002-05:00

Just so you know - and by "you" I mean everyone who ends up at this site because they are trying to see if Kville is cancelled (and by the way, I didn't realize that show was so popular!) - Kville is probably cancelled.

Why?

Anthony Anderson is in talks to move to Law & Order since Jessie Martin is reportedly leaving. So, although there has not been an official cancellation, it is probably cancelled. Unless Fox decides to carry on without Anderson.

Just for "you" guys.

Behind the Times

2008-02-19T01:53:00.002-05:00

Funny things happen to me all the time, but I can't really think about them by the time I get on here. I was going to try to publish at least once a day - but I guess I'm going to have to include all of my blogs for that.

So, I have a bunch of blogs right now. My tv one at http://thetubechick.blogspot.com - my traveling one at http://dispatchesfromtheroad.wordpress.com - my Macon one at http://angelcollins.wordpress.com - and I may be moving my personal blog to a wordpress blog in the near future. We'll see.

I feel like I don't see you guys anymore!

Some things are in the works... I'm not real sure how they're going to work out, but I'm pretty excited about the prospect.

I'm going to Europe in a few weeks and I got my passport last week. I'm pretty excited. I need to brush up on my French and completely learn Italian. (Anybody got any flash cards?)

Ummm, what else? I don't know... maybe when I know more what to say, I will say it.

You should be so lucky!

The God I Believed In Part 2

2008-02-07T10:25:00.000-05:00

So, of course, you don't realize all the ways you have become "churched" while you are in the midst of it. My rude awakening came when I moved to California.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God told me to go there. There has always been a God voice in my head since the first encounter with Him and the cavalier way he'd asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. As I explained, the God voice has been there amongst all the voices, but now, I was no longer 4 or 5 with only my mom's ideas or my own drifting in and out of my head. I was filled with the words that had been taught me for the past 9 years I'd been engaged in religion. Like I said, God's voice is lost in all of that, but occasionally, He would tell me to do something.

I remember one night, I was working for Americorps. I was doing a reading program at this inner city school. Someone came to the school looking for me because they needed information that I hadn't finished. I had to go back to my office. At that time, I was the only body in my office. I told them I would get them the information tomorrow and planned to go the next day. But The Voice told me to go that night. I walked into my dark office and the radio was on, which put me on alert. I turn off everything when I leave for the day. The person talking was the director of the writing program I eventually applied for and I was accepted. I spent a month in California learning about writing for television and I found a church there that I loved. This church was full of information, like my church at home, but for the first time, when I sat through a service, I didn't have that familiar tightness in my chest. I didn't feel as if this church was about striving or determining things for others. The people that invited me to go with them loved God, but I met them over drinks at a restaurant, then we went to a bar to play pool and continued drinking. They weren't worried about what others were thinking of them and they weren't afraid to talk about God and religion to us or anyone around us.

When I got back to my southern town, I knew I had stared into the beginning of a lesson about God that I am still in the midst of. I knew that nothing was the same. I was no longer satisfied with my church, with what I was being taught. I wasn't instantly better, but the series of events that led to me going back to California gave me what little insight I've been able to offer about myself and how I believed in this series of posts.

Even going to California was one of 5 total times where The Voice said something to me. Only once would I say The Voice ever came close to being a physical voice. Every other time, it was an inclination so strong that I didn't know where it came from and it was for something that had not been a concern until that moment. Living in California was one of those time.

Churched people always tell you that if God tell you to do something, that He will provide for you. If He doesn't provide for you, then maybe you didn't hear God. In California, I was on welfare, sexually harassed at the first job I got, had to go back on welfare, finally got a part time job that paid enough, and got in a car accident. Those are the negatives, the things I remember first when I think about that year in Cali. I did go back to that church that was so restful to me, I made new friends whom I loved, I connected with old friends whom I loved and I solidified my relationship with the man who is now my husband. When I wrecked my car, one of those old friends gave me a car, which got me back home when it was finally time for me to leave. But despite the good, the overwhelming tone of my time in Cali was negative. My mom told me that if it was that bad, God must not have told me to go, I heard wrong, and I needed to pray.

But I know, even in the middle of my confusion, that the only reason I was in California was because of God. He wanted me to know that what I had been told about Him was only half truths, dogmatic beliefs of people who didn't want to know Him, even as they bragged about their comprehensive knowledge of Him. They wanted to be an authority on the Bible and, even as I fought this thought, even as I clung to my churched beliefs, I began to know that what my church family of 9 years knew about God was less than what I'd learned in those 9 months... that my knowledge of God grew in that short time more than it had in the past nine years. I was finally getting back to that God I first believed in.

Saving My Life

2008-02-06T21:45:00.000-05:00

I recently went to an event at the local college where Chris Offutt talked to us, ostensibly to talk about writing for television (HBO in particular), but really about how little he knew about writing for television (this was his first foray into that world). He learned how episodes were outlined on the board, learned how the writer's room worked and learned that if he asked for gatorade and chocolate, that it would magically appear the next day.

He was very entertaining. He'd written a few books, a couple of books of short stories, a novel and a memoir. I bought a book of short stories called Kentucky Straight and had him sign it. He wrote "To a fellow writer - keep writing. Writing will save your life and keep you sane." When I first read it, I almost laughed. Writing is driving me crazy. All the things I want to say, I can't articulate with my fingers. If it came down to it, my thoughts and ideas would disappear into the ether rather than reveal themselves for immortality on paper. But the very next second, I knew he was right. I thought about my blogs and how they have been my glue. Even if I couldn't write a short story or a spec script to save my life, I could always come here or to my previous incarnations and talk about it. I could talk about the crazy things happening and sometimes, even make fun of myself when in real life, that was very hard to do.

Saving my life... that's something I would never had said about writing before, but in a way, every thing in my life has been processed through writing. I was first and foremost a journaler. I wrote about the things going on just to gain some sort of insight into myself. It never came right away, but it did come as I re-read my journals from years ago, the juvenile things that happened even after I'd long aged to maturity, the hopes and dreams I had that I didn't think would be realized, but have. The friends I've lost are forever captured between those pages, recalling times that I want to say were better but which I know for a fact were not.

Now, if only I could talk to people without putting my foot in my mouth or making them feel dumb (which, to those of you who know me is completely unintentional - I promise!), maybe I will feel like I'm getting somewhere.

The God I Believed In

2008-02-01T13:46:00.000-05:00

In the world of Christianity, especially the small world of Bible Belt southern Christians, there are two worlds. Churched and Unchurched. Now, people will tell you that Unchurched people can be "saved" that ever ambiguous term that Christianity clings to with all its soul, but most will agree that it is highly impossible for someone to be "saved" and not going to Church.

For the first year of my Christian life, I was Unchurched. I was in college, making friends, partying, going to classes, the normal thing, but there was a difference. I made friends easier, I was nice, I truly enjoyed being around people and they truly enjoyed being around me. I started helping out at our Catholic ministry on campus (all protestant services were off campus) with my roommate, I loved the people I met, the Catholic priest that ran the ministry was very unorthodox to say the least and he welcomed me as well. In a sense, it was very like the thing you would think God wants from us, to get along with everyone, to really enjoy being with people, anyone from classmates and roommates to the homeless people we ministered to. I don't know how many times I got asked out by homeless people because I was as open in talking to them as I was to my friends. When I left school that year (financial and personal home crisis abounding) I came home a depressed woman. I missed the freedom and ease of being there. I was going to church but getting nothing because my goal was no longer just gathering information. I wanted to be impactful.

I wanted people to feel at ease around me. I wanted people to not feel judged. That first part of my salvation was a breath of fresh air from God, the part that made me love being a Christian because I could be there for anyone and I didn't judge anything. I didn't know how. I didn't have those tools in my Christian arsenal.

We decided to leave the church we were going to, which I was glad of and started going to another church. This church was so welcoming and they were different. The pastor didn't scream and yell, he had insight into the Bible and went deeper than face value. He taught us how to read the Bible. He told us he wanted us to be able to discern truth from fiction. These were learned men teaching us "the Word". I had a few disagreements (I have never been anti-gay, although I did learn Church speak so that my fellow parishioners wouldn't realize that and, eventually, couldn't separate what I should believe as a Christian from what I actually believed).

Somewhere in there, while I was trying to learn, I became Churched. It was more than showing up on Sundays and Wednesdays, teaching a class, being there, basically, whenever the doors opened. Yes, I went to church. But I became Churched. I learned how to hate while saying that I was doing something in love. I learned how to judge others, the standard being me and my understanding of God's word (which, also, was in accord with the rest of what my church believed). I learned how to use the Bible against people. I learned how to use the Bible to help me. I was discerning and I used that against people, getting my way because I was learning the tricks of the trade. Being a Christian could be powerful.

There were still a few things in there, things I learned outside of my church. My church taught me that just because someone didn't believe what I believed didn't mean they weren't Christians. This stayed with me and made me much more tolerable to others than I should have been. I believed God could interact with me personally (my church believed God only spoke through the Bible) and my prayers, although I see it now as being a bit self focused, my prayers were answered. I will say always answered because I do not remember any prayer that was worth something going unanswered. In my life, I have gotten everything I've prayed for. I have been sustained financially even though I'm bad with finances. My health is good, I am in love with my husband and he is smarter than me (in many ways) and funny. I don't hate my dad anymore and I have love and patience in my heart for my mom and the rest of my family.

But I was very judgemental. As I look back now, I didn't even realize how easy it was to appear humble even as I made myself the standard. I worked hard to be this way or that way, according to God's Word (the Bible) and God's standard. You should too. You either did things the way I thought they should be done, or it was "on you" when you had to suffer the consequences of your own bad decision making. I would tell people who they should or shouldn't be with, I would tell people what they should or shouldn't do. I even told people what God would or wouldn' t do. I would make sweeping proclamations against anyone and anything that tried to step on the God I believed in.

I promise you, that God was very different from the God I started out with.

I Am A Coward

2008-01-17T22:52:00.000-05:00

I was going to write something different here, something banal and not very interesting, even to me, just to keep up the illusion of blogging consistently. I was going to talk about how angry I get while driving, knowing we all have those moments. It might have been funny, but the real reason I was writing here instead of writing creatively was because I was being a coward.

Now, I can be pretty confident. When I was growing up, guys that might have liked me were afraid of me because it seemed like I didn't need anyone. I can be pretty intimidating if you don't know me or if you already don't like me. I have been mistaken as a bodyguard when I went out with my female friends. Well, I'm pretty sure it wasn't a mistake since I tend to get overprotective when I think some idiot is bothering my friends. But that's another post. The signs of other's people fear of me has usually come out in anger, but in the end, once people who are willing to give me a change get to know the real me, I am not THAT intimidating. Often.

I'm not afraid of much. I'm afraid of my husband dying. I'm afraid of dying in horrible pain. I'm afraid of mushrooms and spiders. Yesterday, I discovered, I'm afraid of the empty page. I took out my notebook to write, to jot down a few lines for a short story that's been rolling around in my mind. I stared at that blank page for nearly ten minutes, my mind wandering all over creation. Even now, as I'm writing and remembering, knowing I need to keep writing this and then start on my spec script, I want to pick up the sock I'm knitting, my second sock so I can finally have one pair of socks I knit for myself.

As my mind wandered last night, I played solitaire on my phone, I checked my email twice, I added new buttons to my home screen, I moved things around... I didn't open my computer because of the distractions, but then I let my phone take the place of the computer.

I know that some people have encouraged me to just write whenever I feel led to creatively and not beat myself up because I don't feel that way everyday. Some people have told me that I am talented, that my writing is growing, but it's not growing for myself. It is growing for others. I know that means that I am growing, but I'm growing in a new type of writing for me that I never expected to and I want to grow in my chosen field. I enjoy the writing I do. I love it. I love coming up with new ways to bring notice to my words, even if that comes with the unwanted knowledge of who I am. But in this town, that's important. If people know that I'm "my byline" then they will read and tell people they know "my byline" and my name would spread and so would my readership.

But more than that, I want to actually get my scripts written. I want to get these short stories out of my head. I want to be as creative as I once was, where I could sit down, at any time, and write. Maybe it would be bad, but it would come out and go down and it would be more than a sentence here and a sentence there.

Ah well, this coward is feeling sorry for herself. Carry on.

New Post

2008-01-15T02:50:00.000-05:00

Because you've waited long enough.

And by "you" I mean I. I've been working on the next segment of the saga of my life. It sucks that I'm working so hard and all you'll get is whatever comes out in the end. And by you, I mean I.

I'm dealing with a bunch of shite, mainly self imposed, but I'm working on loosening my own mind to let me just be, to learn to grow, to not be so worked up, as I most often am.

My husband and I have a sign for when I'm all worked up. It can happen anywhere. In the car, in the coffee shop, in my home, on the job. It starts with idiots and it always ends with my head exploding (to borrow a phrase from a friend). If my anger was my superpower, my head would be aflame, like Ghost Rider. Okay, the sign is my hands going beside my head and then me miming that my head is catching on fire, complete with the whooshing sounds of a fire catching (that's my favourite part).

Anyway, my journey to look at my spirituality comes at a time when I don't even know what I believe. I mean, I have a few things I'm holding on to, but to let go of the things that I feel has led me so completely off track, I have to go back to the very first time that I began to have a glimpse into something spiritual. I have to replay where it led me, I have to replay where I stepped off of the road. I have to decide if I've even stepped back on. I have to decide if there is even a road.

I'm trying to be completely naked, but there is something about revealing yourself in a way you haven't even revealed to your own self that makes things like blogging risky. I mean, if my mom, God bless her, were to actually find this site (I hear she's emailing now), I'd have a lot of disappointed lecturing to endure (mainly because of this sentence). We already don't agree that the Harry Potter books will go into the annals of history as one of the greatest works of child lit ever.

Well, I have to try to shave a few inches from my thighs. And by "my", I mean you. You know who you are. I'll check in with you all later.

Halloween: A Story in Pictures (and words)

2008-01-05T17:34:00.000-05:00

Finally, after wasting much time, I have put together the photo album for my pictures for all you nice people.

Salvation

2007-12-30T15:03:00.001-05:00

The road to salvation is paved with as many good intentions as the road to hell.

Basically, if you answer yes to a series of questions asked to you by a pastor, you are saved. With less than one year of church under my belt, I was answering yes because I knew that's what I was supposed to do. My mother, at that point, was gentle. She was in love with Jesus. It made her more loving herself, more understanding, more patient. She was, in deed and action, the best her that I'd ever seen. Even dad saw it, and at the time, he didn't see much past what he wanted to see. Jesus was powerful and we witnessed that power.

My home had not been the best place to grow up. I held resentment for many years because of that environment. Jesus Christ came in and changed my home environment. In that first year alone, we had a peace I had never experienced, a home that I was ready to go back to. I didn't have to stay late after school coming up with reasons to delay my journey. I could go home.

To say anything more would be telling the stories of those who should reveal their secrets themselves. But I want you to understand that when I say that Jesus changed everything, I mean everything.

As much as I wanted those changes to happen in me, something was off and it stayed off for a long time. I went to college, I studied more, I read stories that had some of the same accounts as the Bible and when I read them, instead of thinking that every society had their stories, I read them as validating what I was told in the Bible.

I began to have a personal relationship with God, who I had been taught for the past two years, when I was 19. It was during the summer after my first year. I'd gone to visit Cleveland, the home of the guy I was dating, for a few weeks before returning home. When I got home, I realized that all the resources I thought I had for school, I really didn't. So I spent a lot of time praying to the God I only knew of in word. One night, I finally broke down before God and said that I had nothing to offer and no reason to get what I prayed for, but that I knew none of that mattered if God wanted to bless me. I fell asleep in my tears and woke up the next day to answered prayer. God wanted to bless me and had. My gratefulness knew no bounds. That was the first time God communicated with me on a level that was nothing short of miraculous. It was the first time I actually felt the peace of God that so many people had spoken of. It filled me and became me and suddenly, I truly did not think as I once did or see as I once saw.

That's when I started to believe God could do anything and He wanted me along for the ride.

Church

2007-12-30T14:15:00.001-05:00

When I was a little girl, I always wanted to go to church. Oh, we did the occasional Easter, me and my sister dressed in finery and lacy socks with black patent leather shoes, the boys uncomfortable in suits and clip on ties with shoes they would outgrow before the day was over.

When we moved, the summer after 6th grade, we moved to a house. Across the street from that house was a church. We never visited that church. I wanted to, longed to. On the times I actually woke up early on Sunday, I would sit and watch all the people go in. I was doing two forbidden things. Sitting in the living room and longing for church when it was not welcomed in our house.

I don't know if church began to grow in my mind from there. As I grew older and treasured my sleep, I was glad that we didn't do anything like that. When I could hide in bed reading on a Sunday afternoon instead of sweating it out in a service that didn't end until 3pm, I was grateful for our stance.

When I was 17, something happened. I don't know what happened, but suddenly, we were going to church. We went to the church that my dad's family had gone to for so long. Initially, we were welcomed with open arms. I approached church the same way I approached school. Learn as much as possible. Know more than anybody else. After all, this Bible was simply a book and what did I know better than anyone at my school? Books. So, in Sunday School, I knew every answer, read every assignment. Nothing was esoteric. Everything had a right or wrong answer. We played Bible Jeopardy and no one wanted to play against me, except the foolish people who had once dominated or the older people who thought they knew. They didn't know me. I won. I always won. Mothers wanted their daughters to look up to me. Mothers wanted their sons to marry me. I was a paragon and I was a fraud.

The day I was baptized, dressed in the white clothes, a towel over my hair, making a public statement that I had accepted Jesus into my heart, I was fervently praying that I had, in fact, accepted Christ into my heart. I took my dunking with grace, eyes closed, breath held, praying that when I came up, I would be different.

I was not. Everyone cheered and I went on perpetuating the fraud. And the more of a fraud I was, the more I saw it in others around me. We knew what we were doing. We were pretenders. We didn't know what else to do. We understood the Bible, we understood what had to happen, we just didn't know how it would happen to us. We holed up in our enclave of intellectual belief, hoping that one day, the love of Christ would grow in our hearts and we set to work convincing ourselves that, in fact, it had.

It would be two years before I actually understood what it meant to be saved.

What Can I Say?

2007-12-30T00:41:00.000-05:00

Not much.

In a way, this has been a great holiday. I haven't worked since December 21st. I will go in for a bit tomorrow, but for the most part, I am off until Jan. 3. Our Christmas presents are ones we will open later. We saw some family, we saw some shows, we are planning on spending NYE listening to some bands in Atlanta and then hanging out with another couple - ice skating on Jan. 1.

I turn 32 on Jan. 2.

Last year, on Thanksgiving Day, my uncle Freddie told me that he had "a spot on his lung". Of course, having anything on the lungs is not a good thing. He told me not to worry. I saw him for Christmas and then, as I was planning to see him again (I usually go for my birthday, but I missed a couple of weeks), the day before I was going to head there (I had to plan my free time then), I got a call from my aunt telling me that he was dead.

What the hell??? I felt like I walked around in a cloud of confusion and I pushed the anger and sadness to the back of my mind. I hated going to sleep because when you're laying there in the dark, the only thoughts that come are the ones you spend the whole day pushing back.

This Thanksgiving, we decided that we were going to stay home for the first time, celebrating Thanksgiving as a family instead of shuffling between our families. So we make our phone calls and when I talk to my dad, he sounds like someone thought it would be fun to stump on his throat. I tell him he sounds horrible and I hope he's going to the doctor. I'm joking but I know. Even then, I know even though I know my dad would never tell me. The Wednesday after Thanksgiving, a day after his doctor appointment, my aunt called me to let me know that he had throat cancer. The kind caused by smoking and drinking for most of your life. Stage 4, caught late. I want to have hope, but I'm a worse case scenario person.

A tracheotomy, 3 of 5-7 days in the hospital, and disillusionment of my mother later, we are looking at a long haul for my dad. Chemotherapy, radiation, possibly losing his voicebox, and depending on the biopsy of the tumor, a few months to live. To my family, I only talk about the best case scenario. In a few days, we'll all know.

I don't know how I feel. I don't want comforting words. This isn't that type of post. This is just an update, this is what's been going on. It's not an easy thing for you to read or for me to write, but there it is.

L'Italia, qui vengo!

2007-12-25T00:18:00.000-05:00

That's Babelfish English to Italian for "Italy, here I come!"

I am going to Italy, and if the price is right, I might also get to go to Paris. The next three months, I will be teaching myself Italian, saving every extra penny I make, working to make sure I have extra pennies by trying to get more work, etc.

Advice from The Honey, who won't be going... "Have fun in Italy. Don't fall for any Italian men. You know they're all criminals." "'Cause they're in the Mafia?" I ask. "Yes. Me, I paint with a broad brush. My brush covers all of Italy."

He didn't, however, say anything about Parisian men.

It is officially Christmas day. We are watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story. The Honey says, "You're going to watch this every Christmas, aren't you?" "Until they stop showing it," I respond. "And then, when they stop, you're going to complain about it on your blog."

That man knows me so well.

Merry Christmas, all!

Hello God, Do You Remember Me?

2007-12-19T01:43:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I wonder what God remembers about our first moment of understanding him. Not that typical religious moment, or the moment when people first know one of his names, but that one moment of clarity when we who choose to believe in him first do, before the dogma and the tradition ruin what little of God we come to understand.

I think back to my first encounter with God. My first understanding of an encounter with God. I had to have been like 4 or 5 years old and my mama was reading to me from the big blue Bible Stories book, that book you see advertised in dentists' and doctors' offices all over the US. She was reading to me about God asking Abraham to sacrifice his only son, but I thought it said "oldest one" and so I wondered when God was going to ask my mama to sacrifice me to him. I think I lived in fear and trepidation for like two days, always looking skyward, wondering if he asked if she would and if she did, would he provide a ram for me? In the end, I just kind of said, "You better not ask my mama to sacrifice me!" and God and I had a tentatively good relationship. It wasn't bogged down with doing right, although I believe some of that former fear took up residence with God.

It's hard to explain, but I will try, for my own sake, to do so. There are many voices in my head. those of you who know me know this to be true. I don't know how many of you have had me ask you about something you said only to have it be a made up dialogue I've concocted. Well, in there amongst all the voices is God, sitting back, speaking every now and then, nudging every now and then and, for a long time, I enjoyed him there. But after a while, as life grew more hectic and I grew less free, I forgot he was there and moved through life with only that still, small voice speaking only occasionally.

As I grew, though, the thought and idea of God never left me. People say that we all have a "God shaped hole" in our hearts and our search for truth is a search for him. Maybe that's true. But the enjoyment of God in my head lead me to read more about God (god, gods, Allah, Zeus, Thor, Krishna, etc.) and that's when the idea of religion crept in.

Starting Over

2007-12-19T01:22:00.001-05:00

It's that time of year, the time when an old girl's fancy turns to age.

I'll be 32 in a couple of weeks and a few days. I'm not really sure what to do with that.

So, it's time for things to happen. We (the Honey and I) are in a growing phase of our lives, where everything as we know it has been turned on its head and we are rolling with some punches, making new plans and solidfying the ones we are keeping. It's not a rollercoaster, it's more like the Dumbo ride.

**********************************

So, starting over means more than just a few words here and there. It means I have things to do, places to go and stories to write about it. First off, I'm going to Italy. Now, when I say I'm going to Italy, I mean, I barely have enough for plane fare (and that is supplemented by my very, very, very, very smart little sister whose 4.0 GPA earned us an extra $1000 to use on our trip) and I have stopped crocheting my scarf long enough to write this blog. Yes, crocheting a scarf so that I can sell it for whatever I can make to add to my trip. And The Honey is being a really good sport about the idea of me going to Italy, but I know he wants to go to. It just, what's the easiest way to make $3000 in 2 months that doesn't include nude dancing or finding Robert Redford? I'm lining up a couple of jobs... I can work 3 hours a night at minimum wage as a janitor for approximately $60 bucks a week after taxes. I wanted to make about $100 extra dollars a week (not including what I make writing) to help with this little trip. But what I make writing and any extra I make would just pay for me. I'd have to write double what I'm writing now and The Honey and I together make $200 a week to supplement his going on the trip as well. I would say I'd pray about it, but that's another story in itself that will be told in bits and pieces in a remembering sort of way.

I feel a little bit like Italy will be about me finding myself. I know that sounds trite and kind of 21 year old angsty, but it's true. There are a lot of things I want to understand and it is hard to understand those things in the midst of the bustle of life. It's not impossible. I don't need Italy for that, but my dream has always been to go to Europe. Italy, and just outside of Rome, is a good enough place as any to start. We may even fly into Paris so that we see France and Italy. To be able to grab that dream when it was offered... it's amazing. I have an amazing husband who would sacrifice his time with me and his wish to be there as well to see my dreams take place.

Okay, so enough smarmy.

The house we live in now, I love it. The one thing it has that is in part cool and in part very irritating is the scary house lights. When you turn on the lights in this house, they flicker on, as if you were watching a scary movie and the lights got doused in water and now you're watching them flicker, expecting to see the killer or his shadow right in front of you. Very creepy. Oh, I know it's some technical name for why it does that, having to do with temperature and something that reminds me of striking a lighter, but for right now, it is a neat way to be greeted by your house.

I Have A Lot To Say

2007-11-29T03:59:00.000-05:00

I just don't know why I can't write it.

It should be easy.

Maybe tomorrow, words will come.

Well, lots of words are coming, I just don't know how to put them together in the best way for this medium.

I want to be funny, but all I ever am is the Straight (wo)man. I want to write about the funny things, but really, all that comes out is... what is about to follow in the next couple of days. It's like I have some sort of writing plague and instead of funny, drama comes out. Drama comes leaping out of my mouth like slimy frogs.

Slimy, ugly frogs.

Oh, believe me, I know some people are going through drama. I almost have to invent my drama... almost. Believe me, it's real, it's just almost completely unnecessary for you to see me through it. But you will.

Because I need the switch to come on. That elusive switch that just isn't appearing for me now. I long for that click, my shoulders on edge hoping that with each letter my fingers strike, with each realization and revelation, I will reach the switch nirvana and it will be flicked and that audible click will be so refreshing that I will be forced to describe that click in great detail.

You know you want me to.

So, hold on to your hats 5 internet readers, you faithful dears who have loved me and stood by me even if I was a crappy friend or even if you don't know me and still hand around in hopes that the Honey will finally start his blog up again (I think he might) or even if you had to because I told you I posted and waited as you checked your feeds on your phone to read every word I writ (not a typo, but prolly should be considered one). The ride is getting bumpy, the reads are getting longer, and the road is getting swervier. And maybe my thoughts will come back on me full circle. Maybe not. But for the first time... like EVER... I won't mind being wrong, because it really is all about the journey.

Worrying About Your Beard When You're About To Lose Your Head

2007-11-27T20:35:00.001-05:00

So I'm finally watching The Seven Samurai. Oh my WORD the translation is awful, but the acting and the story is so... brilliant. Man, I love movies about honor. Most war movies have the distinction of being about honor, but I'm not the biggest fan of war movies, or so I tell myself. But as I watch this movie, its slow progression towards a bigger fight looming, I realize that there are a lot of war movies in my repertoire that I would watch again.

I don't like war movies. Movies and television provide escape. In those fantasy world, the characters that are compelling shouldn't die, but in war movies, they do. They always do.

Man, old movies kick new movies asses!

It is my nature and maybe I'm coming to see that it is the nature of many others, to worry about the little things in the face of something big. I guess we don't know what else to do when we feel so helpless. I'm not a "big picture" thinker. I think about right now. I think about the line I just wrote, I think about the thought in my head. I think about what I need to do tomorrow, but I don't see it all in one fell swoop, just waiting to be done so that I can orchestrate my actions. I hope it all works out in the end, that the sentences come together, that the work gets done, that I express myself to others in the right way. It's beyond me how to change that part of me. It's something I want to work on. I want to see it all and then orchestrate. I don't want to pick at the pieces anymore. I want to see the sculpture in the rock and chisel away the unnecessary parts.

I want to stop using metaphor, but I'm not just talking about one thing. I'm talking about an entire way of being. It's enough to give me a headache.

In other news, I am doing well as bassist and singer in the imaginary world of Rock Band, where "Angel", as I call myself, is taking the world by storm. I'm somewhere in Russia right now singing songs I didn't even know existed and trying to get more than 3 stars every time. I will hate to move to the hard level. And as much as I hate shopping, I love dressing my Rock Band character. Every time I win a new item for my wardrobe, I get just that much more excited about the game. Next, I'll create a character on the drums. Yes, I will have my own band soon. And I will ROCK!

I Hope Jack Bauer Doesn't Blow Up the Internet

2007-11-26T18:16:00.000-05:00

I wish exciting things happened to me. The most exciting thing that's happened to me is being anxious that I didn't make enough snacks for Cookie, Coffee, and Conversation time after church this past Sunday. Weren't we all relieved to find out I did. Make enough. Snacks.

Or the time Oprah came to town and stayed on the street I live on and how I couldn't drive and all the people driving by kept asking me (because I had to walk since cars kept blocking the street in front of the residence where Oprah stayed) if "SHE" was still here.

I think I always wanted to live a Jack Bauer life, but without the terrorists, nuclear explosions or Kim Raver.

For some reason, I've always wanted to have powers of some sort. When I was little, I thought I was a vampire. I have two pointy teeth at just the right points for those nifty vampire bites. I can say, "I want to bite your neck and suck your blood" in a better vampire voice than Bela Lugosi. My eyes hurt when I come in contact with direct sunlight... I mean, what else would you assume?

Of course, I turned 7 and I realized that it was possible vampires didn't exist. I mean, I wasn't fighting them off or anything, so I went on with my existence of hoping to become Bo Duke (I hadn't figured out I was supposed to be attracted to him yet) but my brothers and cousins kept making me be Daisy and I didn't want to play no girl! I wanted to be Bo. Not Luke, Bo!

I was kind of obstinate.

When I got a little older, I realized that I could play the girl parts in our games of fantasy. I wanted to be Wonder Woman or Storm although it was still well within my rights to be Spider Man or (with a good enough fight) Batman. If I couldn't have an actual science experiment gone wrong super power, then I wanted to at least be as inventive as Batman.

Of course, when we were kids, we wanted our powers for such lofty goals as saving the world. Today, I would settle for being able to ram into the car that just cut me off without getting hurt or set things on fire with my mind (a la Stephen King's Firestarter) when I get angry. My ideals are not gone, just on hiatus as I deal with everyday life.

Maybe that's why I like fantasy and sci-fi shows. I like seeing the difference between the youthful exuberance of getting abilities and realizing you could save the entire world (Hiro on Heroes) and the kind of hard bitten edge that you get when you realize people aren't as good as you wish they were (Adam Monroe on Heroes). I like remembering that within myself and I like how, every now and then, I still wish I could save the world.

So, I might not have that magical, save the world 3 times in one day, kind of Jack Bauer life, but I think that for me, as Farmer Hoggett says, "that'll do, pig. That'll do." (This really plays more into my fascination with pigs and especially talking pig movies, but that's a later post.)

edit: I couldn't let this pass. Thanks to speakeasyx for the link.

moar funny pictures

I Need To Make Friends...

2007-11-09T21:26:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of good things about being married.

A. Lot.

But one of the bad things is that no one wants to hang out with you. Well, let me correct that. No one knows they can hang out with me. Oh, I am still pretty tied to my husband. I still do a lot with him and we definitely love our alone time. But there are times when I want to be out with others.

I don't have any female friends that I really hang out with. I went to Alabama to hang out with a friend who goes to Auburn and her best friend and we had a really great time. I was glad to visit her, glad to get home, but it made me discover something. I don't have anyone to hang out with here.

With The Honey's work schedule, I have a lot of time to myself. Time to go out. Time to have some fun. Time to do something other than sit at home.

Do you know what I do instead of hanging out? Work late.

Work late, people!!!

That should not be. I should be "out there". I'm relatively young. I probably could stand to lose a few pounds, although I would rather just eat the chocolate cake. Okay, so an oldish, slightly overweight woman wants to go out for a night on the town.

Riiiiiight. Actually, I just want to hang out with a bunch of people who talk about television, books, things going on in the world, conversation that spurs me on to read, to write, and to learn to communicate better. I've been in a fog of conversation, each one as if it were life or death almost. I want to get to a point where I am conversing for fun, laughing and joking.

I feel like I should want to hang out with a gaggle of women. I don't know why I would, but I feel like I should. I have been out with a group of girls before, what feels like a really long time ago. I had female friends once. We went camping together, we talked together and had actual sleep overs. We didn't talk about the intricacies of our wedding days (although, in hindsight for me, we probably should have). We didn't talk about boys (okay, so we did... GOD! I was a girl!). We planned Anti-Valentine's Day parties.

"We" no longer exist.

If I am not with my husband, I am alone. It's a bit daunting, especially when I'm not used to it. Oh, I am typical in that I like being alone. That is the best time for writing, after all. So I'm going to hang out. I'm going to accept invitations I might have turned down. I'm going to try to get in touch with those people I care about and hopefully we can get together.

If You Know Me

2007-11-06T23:18:00.000-05:00

The first thing you need to do is stop by the coffee shop, pick up the food and culture magazine and read two articles by yours truly... three if you count my monthly coffee column.

Just do it!

So, I am doing Nanowrimo. I have written a lot of words. And yet I am so far from my word count, it is ridiculous. Okay, I'm just complaining now and slightly procrastinating, but I will get to 50,000 words by the end of the month if it kills me.

The loaded baked potato flavoured Pringles are just okay.

I can eat two bite brownies in one bite.

I get more excited than I should when the clock says things like 11:11 or 12:34 or 5:43.

I'm bad at video games because I don't have the patience to get better.

I wish my hair was longer than it is.

I didn't vote today because I haven't changed my address. And for that, I am sorry.

I finally found the nails and the hammer and I still haven't put up our paintings, clocks and photos.

Okay, just a random post to keep you busy until I have something good to write... or until tomorrow.

I've Been Sick

2007-10-31T23:53:00.000-04:00

Well, that's my excuse anyway. For not writing. Not that you missed me or anything.

But of course, there is much more going on than that. I mean, just because I have consistently tried to hack up a lung (today, I coughed so hard for so long that my nose bled) for the last 4 days, have had a piercing headache just above my right eye for the last two, but have still had to do work of some kind for all of those days, not including the Halloween Partying that went on, despite being sick, on Saturday (4 parties in one night, photo post - with captions - soon to come), doesn't mean that it is the only thing going on.

Recently, I have been the poor in spirit. As much as the Kingdom of Heaven is mine, it has come to my attention that there is much question about said Kingdom of Heaven. The kind of questions that my poor, feeble, sickly mind can't handle right now... I mean, the realization that there is more than what the church says, and more that what people say and live, I have to do my soul searching in the form of fiction.

That's right, it's National Novel Writing Month. 50,000 words in 30 days. If I finish, it will be the first time I have carried through on the promise.

I make myself the promise every year to complete my "short story collection" or my "novel" although I haven't written anything longer than 14 pages ever in my life (well, storywise anyway). What is wrong with me. This year, I look forward to this endeavor with much more trepidation, much less hope, and much more determination than I have ever had. I say this is the year that I at least break 25,000. I get half way to all the way done, which is about 15,000 more words than I've ever done. Last year's paltry 6,000 gives me a piercing headache above my left eye.

Wish me luck.

All Things To All People

2007-10-22T17:12:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I started going to a coffee shop called The Vine and I was there every Thursday, Friday and Saturday for nearly a year of my life. Towards the end of that year, I began working for them. I loved my job with them because it gave me the opportunity to know more people and come out of my shell even more.

The Vine was owned by Pam and Glen, a couple that led praise and worship at their church. They also worked with the youth and they realized that kids really had no place to go. They weren't just worried about the kids in their church, but all the youth in Macon and all the youth willing to come down from where ever they were coming from. Pam and Glen were surrogate parents for many of us. They were warm and friendly, open and welcoming. They were Christians that wanted everyone to feel welcomed and to feel loved. We showed up regularly - The truck driver looking for a million ounces of espresso in a large white mocha and a good game of chess; the writer who spent too much of her time reflecting until she actually began to meet others; people who played music regularly; homeless people and people too young to do anything except hang out. Many of the people I am still friends with today I met at The Vine. Jason, who suddenly yelled out lines from The Color Purple and bonded us instantly as friends. Kevin, a jeweler who sat at my table one day just because he wondered what in the world I could be writing every weekend. Mark, the trucker/chess player that looked like he needed a few years of sleep but was so funny in a dry humour sort of way. We got along because we both looked scarier than we actually were.

Pam and Glen ran The Vine like a business and a ministry. I loved it. I could invite anyone to come and know they would have fun. It was a great place to meet, a great place to hear live music, and a great place to just hang out.

One day, Pam and Glen decided to follow their own musical dream, so they saw about selling their equipment and The Vine name. I know they hoped that they would pass along the comfortable feeling they gave the place. The couple they sold it to did not have the same idea of what a Christian owned coffee shop should be. The most memorable difference between their ownership and Pam and Glen's I saw one evening. A couple of Morman guys came in - I assume to talk. They were obvious in their clean, dark suits, bike helmets resting on the table. They got glasses of milk and when the new owners daughters came out, she also brought tracts for the men in the hopes that they might accept Christ... the right way. It was an insult to them and immediately put up a wall. They left shortly afterwards and I never saw them there again. What once had been a place of rest for anyone who visited became a place where you couldn't just rest, but were assaulted with one man's definition of Christianity whether you liked it/agreed with it or not. It ceased to be my coffee shop.

After the Vine, I started going to and working for Joshua Cup Coffee. Also owned by Christians, they wanted the shop to be a place where anyone would be comfortable visiting. From Wiccan to Fundamental, everyone could come in and not feel judged. Blue haired, tattooed punk kids to blue haired Methodists, all shared the same place and they loved it. For more than 6 years, the people worked their hearts out, sometimes without pay, because they believed in what the shop was about. They wanted it to succeed and they worked for it to succeed. About a month ago, a new owner was brought in and with him came a manager. This manager said that only Christian music would play, that only Christian bands could perform. They kicked out the entertainment newspaper because it had bar advertisement. The entertainment newspaper that some people come to the J.Cup for. It was once the only place where I KNEW it was going to be. No longer.

As I see the changes happening, it makes me sad. I remember meeting a friend at the new Vine after I came back from my first stint in California. I met him and his brother, who was wearing a pagan cross, to catch up. The owners called me to the side to warn me about these guys. Guys that had been my friends longer than they'd been business and they thought they had the right to warn me?

Thanks, but no thanks.

I see Joshua Cup moving in that direction. There are some good changes and having real food is one of them. But I am worried about the direction and I am afraid that all the work and all the heart that went into making it a shop worth respecting will be gone.

Finished!

2007-10-19T11:58:00.000-04:00

This week has been the most hectic week that I've had since taking a job and still trying to write for pay. It is becoming harder and harder to be fair to my regular paying job when it comes to writing.

I had 6 assignments due this week, all for next month. I need to start paying attention to the business part of this. I mean, I am keeping up with receipts, but I am not trying to figure out how to optimize my time so that I am getting the maximum worth out of the time it takes to write my articles versus what I get paid.

I have been pulled all out of sorts over how hard this week has been trying to get everything done. The Honey asked me if this was not what I wanted and I found myself smiling because this is EXACTLY what I want. I want this struggle to find the right words and put them to page. I want to receive that compliment from my editor, where her touch is barely there because my words match the style of her magazine or matches the tone that he wants in his magazine. It is not getting easier, but if I am right, it is because I am still trying very hard to be better and better. I think it would be easier to write the way I've always written.

Or it could all just be horrible and it's taken me longer than it really should have to get my articles written. But praise be to my good and fluffy Lord that I am done and ready to relax.

This is what relaxing looks like today:
Little Sister is coming to town today. We will drive around town trying to find clothes for an 80s Prom party and for her Cruela DiVille (sp?) halloween costume. Then we will go to IHOP (International House or Prayer - not Pancake) which she is being forced to go to so I agreed to go for morale support. Then we are going to the Prom. I have no clue what we will be doing after that.

Tomorrow is Arts and Jazz and then another birthday party. I like to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time!

But more than that, I am not going to think about any of the things that are really swirling in my mind. I will give myself permission to rest and to have fun. That's the least that I deserve.

Necessity is the Mother of Reinvention

2007-10-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

I heard this second hand, but I thought it was funny and a friend's post about bookstores brought this to mind.

A couple of guys I know were at the bookstore, grousing about the prices of books. The one guy says to the other, "Man, wouldn't it be nice if there was a place you could go where you could get any book you wanted without paying for it and then when you're done reading, you'd give it ba..." He stopped himself in the middle of his sentence, laughed and then said, "Fuck! I've reinvented the library!"

I don't know why remember the telling of that conversation always makes me smile, but it does.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-10-18T13:46:00.000-04:00

There is a local food magazine that asked me to write some things for them, so yesterday, I baked a whole turkey, macaroni and cheese and sweet potato pie for a picture. Everything turned out well, if I do say so myself, because I'm so awesome in the kitchen.

Rock on.

If I get pictures, I'll post them. The surprise, though, was the sweet potato pie. It was custard-y, but so flavourful. I baked the sweet potatoes to softness, mashed them up (after peeling them, of course) and added a bunch of stuff to it, but it was pretty simple as well. The kicker was the maple syrup in equal amounts with the sugar. It turned out delicious. I think the pictures will be good and I hope my story is good and I'm so tired from staying up all night cooking. Fortunately, I will finish everything that's been weighing on my mind tonight and maybe I can actually just sit back and relax this weekend.

Oh, yeah, this impromptu Thanksgiving baking helped me get my kitchen clean and in order. That was a blessing and an up all night curse, but all's well that ends well.

The Bird Is The Word

2007-10-16T20:14:00.000-04:00

Sorry about that, but I'm watching Full Metal Jacket and that song was on.

Have you ever had a day where from the moment your feet hit the floor, it's like you're running? The first song on my iPod was by ~~Pavement~~ Placebo featuring Kate Bush. Running Up That Hill. I like that song, but as I listened to it, I just began to get tired.

Then I heard a song from a friend called Crisis of Faith (Part 1) and it made me want to drive fast.

Driving fast and tired do not a good combination make.

Tonight, something made me think about feeling connected to others, letting my mask slip a little and just putting myself out there. I got an email from a friend about being a different person now than in the past. It included a picture of myself I thought had vanished with the time. But it is still out there, floating around, a reminder of the once me, when I would willingly and without any sense of embarrassment call myself crazysexycool - as if I needed to speak it in one breath to make it real. And cool.

I'm not sure quite where to start. Do I start with the huge crush I have on Doctor Who - which is fantasy, or do I start with how my knee, which I hurt at the beginning of this month, still has not healed? Do I talk about how I look better in my jeans or how I keep looking at this story that's due last week and I can not for the life of me put the quotes in? Do I talk about how my hair is finally growing but I still might get braids, or do I talk about how hard it is to make myself put my kitchen in order. See, all these mundane, boring things that clog my mind when there are bigger things knocking around in there.

Like God and church and life and death and irrational fears and overwhelming love and finally letting go of the past. Of losing people so dear to you, you can't breath and like realizing that your friends, the one you truly love and care for, feel like half a world away.

Well, all maudlin aside, I hope it will be nice getting to know me again.

Remembering

2007-10-15T11:34:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I forget who I am, or why I write, or why I have blogs.

I started blogging a few years ago because I had been reading blogs for months and there was only so much you could put in a comment. There were things rolling around in my head and I admit those first few posts were more imitative or responsive than revealing. I found that I liked different writing styles and I wanted to write as well or as funny or as introspectively as the people I found delight in reading.

It had more to do with being carried away to the land of those writing and wanting to follow them, on my site, into this imaginary place where I felt at home.

But then, one day, I was revealing; writing about myself and the things going on with me, the thoughts going on in my head, not reacting to what I'd read on my favourite sites. And soon people were reading my words and living in my life. And while it lasted, it was good.

And then, it felt like I grew up. I moved to California for a while and my life has not ever been the same. In ways that I still don't understand, I am closed. That may sound weird, but I found that I could not write about my experiences or put them into any context that wasn't heartrending. And then I got married and in that, the desire to hold something of myself close to my heart and away from the world began to grow.

I guess that is still there, since my marriage is so new and so perfect (even 3 years in) that to talk about it would almost spoil it. I am surprised by how much I want to keep to myself. But as I begin to read other sites again, I have to remember why I am still here, why I take up residence at this url when I could just give it up to someone else who really wants to write. I remember that getting out the things that go on with me, typing about the pains and joys of life, revealing a little bit more than I think is fair, but a little less than everything is the only way that writing will be real for me. I have faked it for a time, slowly chugging along until the words that are jumbled in would come out on their own, but now I realize that won't happen. The words will not find a way, as some say life did. I have to find the words.

Writing is scary only in how revealing it is. Writing is hard only in our fear of telling. Here's to telling.

New Apartment pt. 2

2007-10-01T22:58:00.001-04:00

Moving is hard to do, but also exciting. As I nagvigate through boxes, things made of glass haphazardly packed in trash bags and "protected" by sales circulars from Kroger, millions upon millions of feet of wires and clothes, both clean and dirty, I realize I am embarking on a new adventure.

Namely, where to put the dishes.

I don't know if you realize this, but where you place the dishes will affect you for years to come (and like I said, it's possible we'll never move again, not because we don't want to but because it's just easier). Where do the plates go? Cups, silverware, special plates for parties, dessert bakery things, plastics or pots and pans? Where do they go? Choosing wisely will mean the difference between kitchen nirvana or kitchen nightmare. And you'll need more than Chef Ramsey to get you out of a kitchen nightmare. Glasses in the wrong place so that when you have guests, they get in your way when you have them over and they want something to drink, plates that are too high up so that you drop them, bowls out of place making the cereal to bowl to fridge for milk process less ergonomic - so many things could go wrong.

So why don't you just change it?

Because by the time you realize you're in a kitchen nightmare, you've grown used to things where they are. So even though you curse because you hit your knee on the dishwasher every time you grab a pan, it is not enough to change it because we love our habits.

No, you just realize you'll plan your kitchen better next time.

New Apartment

2007-10-01T09:47:00.001-04:00

We are now in our new home, a place we will possibly be staying for the rest of our lives because DAMN! that move was hard. Every muscle in my husband body is sore, I twisted my ankle and re-hurt my knee (making me virtually useless on the "moving of big things" side of it) but worse of all, the only person that could help us sprained his wrist and kept re-injuring it throughout the night. After I hurt my knee, I didn't tell anyone about my ankle until after the work was done.

I'm about to take 50 aleve, I sure do hurt.

But it is satisfying to be in this house. It's a bit smaller, but it's nice. We have some things set up, and a ton of boxes to unload. It's going to be crazy here for a few days. But we are in, almost moved out of our old house completely. I have to go back and clean, but that's about it.

We're moving in, downtown! Are you ready for us?

What Fresh Hell Is This?

2007-09-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

Spiders working together?

Apparently, there is a group of spiders... working TOGETHER... to build a gimongus web to catch all the mosquitoes over a lake.

Spiders should never work together. They should eat mosquitoes and then eat each other.

And repeat.

Stupid spiders.

Traveling

2007-09-12T12:25:00.000-04:00

I'm about to start traveling again, this Sunday I'm going to Florida for 4 days and the week after, I'm going to San Antonio for 3 days with an overnight stay in Atlanta for a meeting on the 4th day.

Whew.

I love to travel, I love to fly, but I hate having to go to the airport to do so. I am definitely getting my own plane and airstrip if I am ever able to afford it. I have gotten to the point where I must wear pants that don't need a belt, flip flops for easy shoe removal (although I hate walking on that floor in my bare feet), nothing metal (except underwire) and always remember to take the scissors out of my computer bag. Every time I fly, I have to check to see if knitting needles are still allowed on flights, but I take the ultimate number of bags (3) allowed on board every time which makes inspection a bit harder.

It's always funny watching people trying to walk with all their carry on luggage still haphazard, trying to close their computer cases and put their belts on simultaneously. The worst, though, is traveling with young children. Children can be a joy, don't get me wrong, but trying to handle young kids ( not only can smell the fear and despair of those waiting in line, but who are also so empathetic to that depression they will let out their own wails on behalf of the beleaguered, I-decided-to-travel-with-something-bigger-than-standard line waiters) and also trying to handle a stroller, a baby/car seat, and your own carry on luggage while simultaneously mentally nudging the two people pushing their mother through and deciding to stop for a chat.

Flying is beautiful, being so high up, I don't even worry about my normal fear of heights. I love going to different places and I can't wait to go to San Antonio. I look forward to the time when I'm traveling for the love of traveling, my husband by my side, as we explore the world together.

In an RV.

With chunnels to everywhere.

Madeleine L'Engle

2007-09-10T20:54:00.000-04:00

I remember the first time I met Meg Murray. She was a gangly girl, smart and out of place because of it. I remember wrapping myself within myself as I read about this girl with whom I could relate. I wanted a little brother like Charles Wallace and parents that believed in me because they could see, right now, how great I was even if I wasn't popular, or pretty, or smart. I lived low self esteem and Madeleine L'Engle wrote about it as if she not only understood it, but had the heart to explain it to all of us poor confused girls so that we had the hope that one day we would not be so gangly, we would love a boy like Calvin O'Keefe who would be smart and see us for who we could be, not how we were. Madeleine L'Engle made unicorns tangible beings to us, showed us the pain of growth and to this day, I cannot think of seraphim and cherubim without being reminded of L'Engle's creation.

Madeleine L'Engle took me to a supernatural world, my first introduction to science fiction that led to Asimov and Heinlein and Bradbury and then eventually to shows like Firefly and Battlestar Galactica simply because she helped me like a little bit of science fiction in my well told tales. She was the introduction to a great cast of characters and a great way of looking at myself that that I revisit and re-read time and time again.

In 2000, I finally bought my own copies of the first three books of the Murray series after reading them from the library all my life. They were beautiful with a cover I hadn't seen before nor haven't since. The covers were unique and mystical, the way I've always remembered the feel of the stories, the way I'd always thought of Madeleine L'Engle.

I cried when I read today that Madeleine L'Engle had died. It surprised me, but the impact she had on my young self was much stronger than I realized.

Rest in peace, Madeleine L'Engle. Rest In Peace.

L'Oeuf

2007-09-07T01:47:00.000-04:00

I've become fascinated with eggs. I never used to eat them. Even as I think back to then, I can feel the familiar reaction to eggs I always had.

They made me want to throw up.

They were slimy and gloppy and moved funny in my mouth. I could only stomach eggs if they were cooked very hard as an omelet full of meats and cheese. I would move the egg and eat the meat and cheese all melted together and if I also happened to get some egg as well, well then, that was alright.

A few months ago, I decided I was going to try a fried egg. Sunny side up.

What in the world????

But I wanted to try it, so I cooked it. I cooked it too hard, the heat was too high and the yolk was still runny, but I loved it. Just a little salt and pepper and I was on my way. I've been eating eggs sunny side up and over easy ever since. I had a couple of scrambled eggs, but they held no appeal. Over time I'm learning how to get it just right. Just the right amount of butter, just the right amount of heat. I'm certainly not an expert for anyone but myself, but the current incarnation of my egg definitely beats out its first appearance.

The different tastes that exist in their non scrambled forms is enthralling. The egg whites that soak up the butter, the yolks that hint at their hard boiled taste with something a bit more earthy underneath, together forming a taste that, for the first time in the 4 years since I started eating eggs, makes me excited about eggs again. Also for the first time, I don't require cheese, which is the thing that saved the scrambled egg for me.

I was online and I read about The Egg. I can't wait to try it.

Drool Worthy Fiber

2007-08-27T16:30:00.000-04:00

This is so beautiful. I've found myself going back to the site just to stare at it.

Yes. I know. I'm such a nerd.

All Things Considered

2007-08-27T16:26:00.000-04:00

If things go as discussed, I may have to move my television blog back to its original location. It has been brought up in certain secretive meetings with a particular newspaper that I may be writing my blog for their online audience. If that's the case, I will let you know, but otherwise, you will have to be bored by the things entertaining me on here instead.

Just a head's up.

Sneak Peak at Fox's K-Ville

2007-08-24T14:13:00.001-04:00

If you want to see the season premiere of K-Ville, Fox's new police drama, you can check it out on Fox on Demand. You can also watch episodes of other shows, like Bones, Hell's Kitchen, American Dad, or the show that was cancelled after only one episode, Anchorwoman. Or you can catch the first 17 minutes of the season 3 premiere of Prison Break (a show I, personally, cannot stand).

Tell me what you think? Was I right about it not being cancelled?

Big Fat TV Nerd, Part 5

2007-08-23T17:09:00.000-04:00

I did not do the CW last year, so here are my predictions for the new shows coming this fall. (C)=comedy, (D)=drama, (R)=reality.

(C) Aliens in America - A mom becomes an exchange student host family hoping that the exchange student will help her son be popular. What they get is an boy who is also a Muslim. The story of how these two misfits become friends in that crazy world called high school. Gut reaction? NOT CANCELLED

(CD) Reaper - A young man finds out, on his 21st birthday, that his parents sold his soul to the devil. Now he is the devil's bounty hunter with a vast array of tools to help him get the job done. Before the previews came out, many thought this would be direct intrachannel competition for Supernatural, but it is so totally not. NOT CANCELLED because it seems like it will be fun.

(D) Gossip Girl - Kristen Bell, how we will miss you. If only Veronica Mars had continued with it's good writing and your quirky, yet believable delivery. Especially after the season finale. Now, however, we look forward to you on Heroes as well as the title character Gossip Girl. /end homage. Noone knows who Gossip Girl is, but Gossip Girls sees and knows all. Her voice over narration details the drama at a ritzy prep school and the drama that surrounds its inhabitants when THE "IT" Girl returns to the fold. NOT CANCELLED

(D) Life is Wild - Based on the British show, a family moves from the concrete jungle of New York City to the wilds of South Africa. It is a journey of self discovery for this new family. Let's hope it's good. NOT CANCELLED.

The CW will also premiere two pop culture shows, one called CW Now which they hope will become THE place for the latest info on celebrities, gossip, fashion, places, and things... everything that we supposedly want to know about what's hot, what's not and what's next. They will also premiere Online Nation, which is a show that pulls together the best of video online... you know, the videos we get in email every morning? They will get all of those together and show them all to us. Will possibly be fun for the people who don't live their lives online.

Big Fat TV Nerd, Part 4

2007-08-23T16:05:00.000-04:00

Fox has most of my current favourite shows, but it will be interesting to see what comes of this new season. First, last year's predictions. (d)=drama, (c)=comedy, (r)=reality

(C) Happy Hour - "Happy Hour... free buffalo wings... half priced drinks... and the time between the end of one relationship and the start of another". CANCELLED, but I'll take the free wings and half priced drinks.

(D) Justice - "An unflinching, behind the scene look at the way high profile cases are tried in the media age. Starring Victor Garber, Kerr Smith, Eamonn Walker. CANCELLED

(D) Standoff - Two of the top ranked negotiators in the FBI's Crisis Negotiation Unit are sleeping together and when it's revealed, it cause friction with the group. Gina Torres stars. NOT CANCELLED 'cause of my girl Gina aka Zoe aka good to see you on TV again Torres.

(C) 'Til Death - A comedy about new marriages vs. old marriages. Starring Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher. Two funny people and a good comedy for Fox. NOT CANCELLED

(D) Vanished - A woman disappears and the investigation into that disappearance brings up more than anyone ever thought. Rebecca Gayheart, Ming Na star. NOT CANCELLED out of sheer voyeurism and guilty pleasurism.

The Wedding Album - "Things are definitely more interesting when every day at the 'office' is the most important day of someone else's life." CANCELLED - doesn't seem to have much substance. I couldn't even tell if it were a comedy or a drama.

(C) The Winner - A 43 year old looks back to the tender age of 32 when he became a man. Now rich, he leads us through the steps he took to get there, with the help of his true love's 13 year old son. Stars Rob Corddry (of Daily Show fame - And some Arrested Development), Julie Hagerty (Airplane!) and Lenny Clarke (funny!) NOT CANCELLED

I was wrong about Standoff and Vanished. I loved Standoff and wish it could have continued. I hated Vanished from the first episode. Of course, I suppose my girl crush on Gina Torres helped with Standoff, but I liked the show for its other elements. I'm pretty excited about a few shows coming to Fox this season. I was also VERY wrong about The Winner. So sad. It had its very funny moments.

(D) K-Ville - Stupid name, but interesting concept of cops trying to take New Orleans back after Katrina. It stars Anthony Anderson who has his funny moments but is really good as a serious actor, as he's shown us on The Shield. NOT CANCELLED

(D) New Amsterdam - Actually, as of last minute information, this show will become a midseason show. That does not bode well at all. Maybe they are trying to keep it from competing with CBS' Moonlight. Maybe they want to see how well Moonlight will do. Maybe they feel they are too close and want to change some elements... If there is something wrong, that will be too bad because I thought this drama, of a guy who gives his life saving a Native American woman from his own people killing them and gets the "gift/curse" of eternal life until he finds his one true love from the saved girl, would actually be good... although I hear he gets killed when he is near his true love and then comes back to life when he is far from her at the morgue and must find out who she is so that he can be with her.... hmm, maybe that's why it's a midseason show... but still, NOT CANCELLED

(C) Back To You - Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton are news anchors at the same station... Kelsey Grammar's character made it to the big times and then a cursing spell gets him pulled from the show and the only place that will hire him is the place where he started. I hope it's good. We need new comedies. NOT CANCELLED

(R) Kitchen Nightmares - Gordon Ramsey is the chef from Hell... and he brings his own style of dealing with people to a kitchen near you. Modeled after the BBC show Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares, Gordon Ramsey goes to different restaurants to help their kitchens become better. Since I loved Hell's Kitchen this year, this deserves a look. It's done well on BBC America, so NOT CANCELLED.

(R) American Band - American Idol for bands. I hear one of my husband's friends made it on the show, so worth watching to see how far he and his band got. Here's also hoping they have the horrible bands episode that's as funny as the horrible singers episodes on American Idol. NOT CANCELLED

(D) Nashville - Country music's version of The O.C. NOT CANCELLED because almost everybody and their mama loved The O.C.

(C) Unhitched - 4 friends look for love. Rashida Jones is in this, which means that she's left The Office and although it's sad to see her go (she was funny to me), I'm one of those saps who were hoping Pam and Jim got together. However, this show just seems unfunny. CANCELLED

(C) The Return of Jezebel James - The reviews of this show is not good. From what I saw, it was pretty unfunny and slightly sad, even though I really like Parker Posey. CANCELLED, unless they do some massive rewrites.

(D) The Sarah Connor Chronicles - Another version of the Terminator. Summer Glau (our girl from Firefly/Serenity) is a badass again... and what can be better to watch than Summer Glau badassing it up? NOT CANCELLED

(D) Canterbury's Law - Julianna Marguiles out sharks Shark. From the creators of Rescue Me, which in and of itself is a phenomenal show. This seems like an edgy lawyer show, what I though CBS' Shark would be and have been disappointed by. NOT CANCELLED, although the buzz about it has not been as good as it looks to me.

Big Fat TV Nerd Part 3

2007-08-23T15:29:00.000-04:00

Continuing my series of caring a little too much about television, I bring you last year's predictions for shows on NBC. As always (d)=drama, (c)=comedy, (r)=reality

(D) Heroes - "Heroes chronicle the lives of those [with supernatural ability] whose destiny just might be saving human kind. Stars Milo Ventimiglia (of Gilmore Girl fame). NOT CANCELLED because people always want more X:MEN.

(D) Friday Night Lights - Football story, like the movie, but every Tuesday (unless they change the schedule). I loved the movie, but will miss Billy Bob Thornton. NOT CANCELLED

(D) Kidnapped - A couple's 15 year old son is kidnapped. Shocking crime or business vendetta? Watch as the event unfold. Delroy Lindo, therefore NOT CANCELLED.

(C) Twenty Good Years - Old men live the rest of their lives to the fullest. John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor (George Bluth) so NOT CANCELLED, although networks didn't take too kindly to Arrested Development, so CANCELLED

(C) 30 Rock - Tina Fey is Dick Van Dyke. It's full of SNL alums and Alex Baldwin. CANCELLED, even though I think Tina Fey is funny.

(D) Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Josh Lyman and Chandler Bing are Dick Van Dyke breaking new life into a sketch comedy series. I still think this is a drama though. Starring Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford and Amanda Peet. This sounds like it has potential, but CANCELLED

I am glad that I was wrong about 30 Rock. It turned into one of the funniest sitcoms last season. And unfortunately, I was right about Studio 60, although we were two of like 10 people who loved the show. I was wrong about Kidnapped, although it was a very good show. It got a lot of critical acclaim, being MUCH better than Fox's Vanished which was basically the same premise. NBC finished the remaining episodes online, which was great for the fans, but I would have liked to see this show continue. The actors were simply fantastic.

This season, NBC is bringing a couple of shows I'm pretty interested in.

(D) Bionic Woman - A woman in a life threatening accident, a boyfriend who's a prosthetist...a bionic prosthetist who wants his girlfriend to live. A government who doesn't want the billions of dollars that is her new body to go to waste and Battlestar Galactica's Katee Sackhoff. NOT CANCELLED

(D) Journeyman - This guy travels through time and may have the ability to save the woman he once loved. But what does that mean for his current love life and is he going crazy and does this premise make sense or am I going crazy? Even though you can't dislike a series because they can't really explain the premise, you wonder if the difficulty in explaining it in simple terms will cause it to be cancelled. My guess? CANCELLED

(CD) Chuck - I remember a show called Scarecrow and Mrs. King. I loved that show. I miss that show. It looks like Chuck may be that show. Maybe not. A computer nerd sees everything that the government knows. I forget how. He hacked it, somebody else hacked it, it gets hacked and sent to him, whatever. But the government is after him...or they want to work with him. Whatever. Adam Baldwin (Jayne from Firefly) is in it. I'm watching, I don't know about you. However, CANCELLED in hopes of some Firefly specialness from Joss Whedon that Baldwin can return to.

(D) Life - A cop gets life for murder. But he's innocent. Gets out of jail. Becomes a cop again, even though he gets millions for being wrongfully imprisoned. Then he uses the skills he learned on "the inside" to help him solve cases on "the outside". Spooky? That's what I thought. NOT CANCELLED, although I also had high hopes for Raines, another of last season's cooky cop shows that bombed on NBC. Maybe because Raines could see dead people. Let's hope Life does better.

(DC) Lipstick Jungle - Brooke Shields is in this one. This is the one I don't think will do as well as Cashmere Mafia. I think this one has a simpler premise, but it shall be seen if this NBC drama will beat it's twin on ABC. CANCELLED

When. Will. It. BE. Here!?!?!?

2007-08-16T14:58:00.000-04:00

I heard tell that my favourite video game (Yes, Honey, XBox 360 finally beat out the Wii in my opinion), Viva Pinata will be coming to the DS Lite!!!!

According to GameSpot, the game will have more features and take advantage of the DS Lite's touch screen capabilities in interacting with the pinatas. Among other things!

As some of you may not know, I was not necessarily a video game person. You can check out this post for my awful time with Gears of War. He would never say this, but I'm sure if he could describe my attempts at playing the word embarrassment would drop. He would especially not want me to play in front of others. Stinkin' game.

But it was Tetris on the DS Lite that got me started. And now, those wonderful programmers have decided to give me a portable version of the game I love. Bless you, RARE.

Rock Band will be coming out later this year. THE GUYS have decided to come over, dressed up for their parts. If you don't know, Rock Band is the video game that takes Guitar Hero one step further. Using guitar, bass, drums and vocals, all your friends can come together and irritate the tar our of your next door, cross the hall, and downstairs neighbors. However, these guys are dedicated. They will be ready to tour the world after only a few hours of practice. I can't wait for that party.

I don't really get into gamer news that often, but this was something that I could really get excited about. And that is always good.

Big Fat TV Nerd Part 2

2007-08-14T17:16:00.000-04:00

For the 2007-2008, ABC has the one of the most anticipated shows, although I'm not sure if it is anticipated in the way that the network wants it to be. But first, last year's predictions: (by the way, I was using the show names from May)

ABC

2006-2007 Fall Season:

(DC) Big Day - Danny and Alice are getting married today and we see it in 22 episodes. I remember my wedding and I say YES! because watching my wedding fall apart was utterly hilarious. It's 24 does a wedding day. NOT CANCELLED.

(C) Let's Rob... - Donal Logue (The Tao of Steve) is a janitor who puts together a motley crew to rob Mick Jagger's swank New York apartment. The only problem is that not one of them has stolen so much as a candy bar. What kind of show name is "Let's Rob..." anyway. It should be cancelled just on name alone. Donal Logue is funny, but I still think CANCELLED

(C) Help Me Help You - Self help group therapy where the Dr. may be just as crazy as the patients. Stars Ted Danson. CANCELLED, although Danson shows usually last a couple of seasons.

(C) Notes From The Underbelly - "The politics of parenthood can be just as demanding as raising he child. A group of friends watch their lives change to accomodate the little stranger. CANCELLED

(D) Betty The Ugly - An ugly duckling and a mogul's son are the "Working Girl couple who tackle the colourful, cutthroat world of fashion head on. This stars America Ferrerra and she made me cry in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. NOT CANCELLED

(D) Brothers and Sisters - Calista Flockhart narrates this tale of a family whos recent loss brings their own pressing personal issues to light. Family McBeal. The strength of the actors may bring this drama through. NOT CANCELLED

(D) Day Break - Brett Hopper keeps reliving the day he was framed for murder (that's weird) - and no cute groundhog can help him get out of it. Stars Taye Digg and Adam Baldwin (Jayne!). Even though this is a midseason show, I had to give a shout out to someone from the Firefly crew! NOT CANCELLED

(D) Men In Trees - A horrible title for a "fun and sexy drama about finding love in the most unexpected places". Stars Anne Heche. CANCELLED

(D) Six Degrees - " A story that will prove just how small the world really is and how someone just five people away could be shaping your future. From the creators of Lost and Alias, this give us all hope for another great drama, so, NOT CANCELLED

(D) The Nine - Nine people trapped in a bank robbery gone wrong and a 52 hour hostage stand off are irrevocably and forever linked. Stars Tim Daly, Chi McBride, and Scott Wolf. This promises a Lost-esque flashback/ 24ish filmed show. Done well, this will definitely be a NOT CANCELLED. Plus, being told from the linked after a tragedy story, there are so many directions the story line could go and the actors are top notch. I'm hoping this does well.

I was completely wrong about Big Day. I thought it was something different, a comedic drama. In reality, it was a 30 minute sitcom that was decidedly unfunny - although the mother and father were interesting. Let's Rob became Knights of Prosperity and although it got a second look, it is as good as cancelled. Day Break was cancelled, but with the full season online, I didn't feel that way (it was a show I liked) and although I was right about Brothers and Sisters and wrong about Men In Trees, I find that I am glad that Men In Trees stayed around and I disliked Brothers and Sisters. I hear that B&S is much lighter than the first few episodes, but I haven't brought myself to start watching again.

So, the score is This Girl-5, The Network-5

So, for this year, ABC has some shows that seem great and some show that are like... huh? So here goes: (c)=comedy, (d)=drama, (r)=reality

(c)Samantha Who- starring Married With Children's Christina Applegate, a woman loses her memory and must piece her life back together with the help of family and friends. The kicker? She may not have been that nice and her "accident" may have been an attempted murder. This show seems really interesting to me, so if it's actually funny, I'll say NOT CANCELLED.

(c)Caveman - I'm really looking forward to this show, not because it seems so good, but because I really want to see how they turn the Geico Caveman commercial into a sitcom. Yes, the Geico Cavemen must battle prehistoric bigotry in present day Atlanta. CANCELLED oh so CANCELLED.

(c) Carpoolers - 4 guys drive to work together and discuss their lives. I'm not sure how interesting this will be. I mean, Jerry O'Connell... it's kind of like my see-saw with Viva Laughlin... on the one hand Hugh Jackman... on the other hand, musical casino show. That's how this Jerry O'Connell thing is catching me. But, taking the temperature of comedy, I will have to say CANCELLED.

(d) Pushing Daisies - If Tim Burton wrote a television show, this would be it. It's got it's fair share of the macabre, the magical and the mysterious in this tall tale of a man that has the power of life and death in his touch. He find his old crush has been killed, he wakes her and then doesn't touch her again. It will be interesting to see this no touching love story played out in the sex without a first date world. NOT CANCELLED

(d)Private Practice - This is the show following Dr. Addison Montgomery of Grey's Anatomy fame as she leaves Seattle Grace Hospital and travels to the sunny climes of Southern California. The interesting thing about Private Practice is that we've already gotten a preview and I really enjoyed it. If they continue in that vain, it should be a definite NOT CANCELLED

(d)Dirty Sexy Money - Do-Gooder Lawyer takes over father's position with rich New York family. Seems stupid from the previews, but who know. However, I still feel like it will be CANCELLED.

(d) Big Shots - Apparently, this show proves that men are the new women. GACK! I hope not! Stars some guys who should make this good, but I still think CANCELLED.

(d)Women's Murder Club - Based on a James Patterson book. I've read that others didn't find this one interesting, but it looks like it will be good. People aren't really getting tired of procedurals because they have the added bonus that you don't have to watch it every week. NOT CANCELLED.

(c)Miss-Guided - A woman who was a dork in high school goes back as a supposedly confident school counselor. But then her "rival", the once high school "hot chick" gets a job and they both have their eye on the same man. It may be good, but I'm going to say CANCELLED.

(d) Eli Stone - A lawyer turns prophet. While that, spoken, may be a given, this guy actually is supposed to become some sort of man of a god. Sounds preposterous. CANCELLED.

(d) Cashmere Mafia - 4 women on the top of their game in the big city. Lucy Liu is in this one, I think. I hear it's real bad. But of the two(the other being Lipstick Jungle), I think CM will be the one to stay... unless it goes the Kidnapped/Vanished route of last season (both will be cancelled, both the one that is good and the one that is bad because no one will somehow not be able to tell the difference despite being on different channels) NOT CANCELLED.

Shut Up Crazy Internal Editor

2007-08-14T14:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I turned in three articles that was due to a local magazine. After struggling for nearly the entire day to write 3-600 word articles, I turned them in feeling I had done the worst writing job I'd ever done. I nearly got onto this blog and complain about how awful a writer I am despite the fact that people actually pay me to write and this morning, I got an email from the editor and she loved my articles. Based on her comments, I keep getting better.

I am astounded.

I am glad.

And I'm astounded again.

What is wrong with me? Are all writers crazy for real? I thought I was borderline normal... well, not normal in the normal sense of the word. I am a bit...something. Okay, so maybe something = crazy, but I never thought I was that something as a writer. Oh, maybe a bit self deprecating although "a bit" may be too soft.

Okay, so I am a stereotypical crazy writer.

I don't know what it is. It is like something in me tries hard to craft sentences (well maybe not here) yet when it's all said and done, I am hardly ever satisfied with the output. I was seriously depressed last night, thinking I would never be good enough to keep writing. Today, I am renewed as if last night never happened. I have to make a promise to myself to never write depressed. It might be worse than drunk dialing.

There is an enormous amount of self pity that exists in my depressed state after I create as I wait for my ideas to be consumed and applauded by the public... It's crazy to put so much of myself into something, even if it's just stating facts about a business, but in my way, and then put that bit of myself out there on display.

Which is blogging, I guess. I mean, I do write for an audience of at least 5. I think that a majority of them care deeply for me and want to know what's going on. Sometimes they want to know what I think. And this is my way of keeping them up. I would be lying if I said I didn't want others to catch the fever for the flavour of the writing of This Girl, but at the same time, I know that I am writing for me and for those 5.

I don't know how to say this, but I love you guys.

Now validate me!

Big Fat TV Nerd Part 1

2007-08-12T20:17:00.000-04:00

Last year, I made my predictions about the shows from different networks that would or would not be cancelled. The original page can be found here. This is what I predicted for the 2006 -2007 fall season: (c) = comedy; (d) = drama; (r) = reality

CBS

cbs-2006/2007
(C) The Class - People from the same third grade class are brought together for a surprise reunion. David Crane of Friends and Jeffrey Klarik of Mad About You are involved with this sitcom. Jason Ritter, Sean Maguire, and Lizzy Caplan star. CANCELLED

(D) Jericho - A baffling explosion causes social, psychological, and physical chaos in a small, isolated town. Stars Skeet Ulrich, Erik Knudsen. This could be good, so NOT CANCELLED

(DC) Smith - Diverse crew of career criminals as they plot and carry out high stakes heists at prominent locations. The thing is, the main character wants the one big heist that will set him for life, allowing him to finally retire. Starring Ray Liotta, Virginia Madsen, Simon Baker and Amy Smart. Since I'm really stoked to see this one, NOT CANCELLED. If it turns out anything like Thief, CANCELLED.

(D) Shark - A show about lawyers (duh). Starring James Woods with Spike Lee directing the pilot episode. They're pulling out the big guns and I think James Woods is hit or miss - plus my lack of interest in this show makes me think CANCELLED, but the interest of most people in law shows, especially with a name like Shark could equal NOT CANCELLED.

I'm pretty sure I didn't play fair on this one. So let's first go with what I personally thought. Though I was right about The Class getting cancelled, I was surprised at how much I actually liked the show. Not the first few episodes, but with nothing to watch in that time slot (Prison Break, bah!) it came to be a favourite.

Though Jericho did actually get cancelled, it is being brought back for limited release. The premise for this show was very interesting. I am one of those people who didn't watch. It was boring, long, drawn out, taking forever to bring plot points to their logical conclusions.

The few episodes of Smith I watched, I liked a lot. Although Ray Liotta looked like one good laugh would crack his face, I was interested in the potential and I like what I saw. Too bad it wasn't given a chance.

As for Shark, I was right about how much I would dislike the show. If it were up to me, they would have cancelled Shark and let Smith play at least 13 episodes. I think I might have seen one full episode. I couldn't even bring myself to watch more. But the people liked them somewhat. However, when the new season starts, Shark is not going to be in an enviable time slot.

This year's crop of shows for CBS may be good. Who knows. I think CBS is stepping into the bad side with their line-up. In my opinion, one will be an instant hit, I may actually get into another reality show and I may be about to watch one of my favourite actors fizzle and burn, even though I truly do love musicals.

CBS-2007/2008
(C) Big Bang Theory - Beauty and the geeks. That's all I can see from the previews. There were a few funny moments, but I have the feeling they are along the order of movie previews, a la Rush Hour 3 where all you see are the only funny moments. For me, that's a CANCELLED.

(D) Cane - In the world of rum and cane sugar in Florida, one family reigns supreme. How important is it to keep it that way? Jimmy Smits is in this, which means I will be watching. My first hand review of the previews makes me think that this may be television gold for CBS. NOT CANCELLED

(R) Kid Nation - How will the things we adult do look when it's up to kids to decide. Do we listen to someone because they're popular or cute, or because they have the best ideas? These kids will find out as they get to run their own town. I will be very interested in this show. NOT CANCELLED - unless it's like Pirate Master...

(C?)(D?) - Viva Laughlin - I'm not sure if it's a comedy, which you would only expect since Hugh Jackman sings that he hopes we've guessed his name. Yet there are soft dramatic moments, well at least that's all I could tell from my expert viewing of the previews on CBS.com. It's a musical, it's a drama, it's a mystery, it's Cop Rocks! Except with casinos in a strange part of the country. Will Hugh Jackman or upbeat singing save this show? CANCELLED

(D) Swingtown - Lots of sex, experimentation, drugs... and that's just the parents. What happens in the 60s might should stay in the 60s, but since it didn't, maybe we will enjoy it. It is the story of a very straightlaced family that moves into the right, or wrong, neighbourhood. While the sex-i-ness might win over America, I might have to say CANCELLED.

EDIT:
(D) Moonlight - Immortal vampire is a private detective looking for a reason to live, which is apparently love... finding love... sounds like Fox's New Amsterdam. CANCELLED

I mean, really, CBS, if you wanted to keep our attention, you should have just put CSI:Atlanta and CSI: Chicago into rotation. I know you got 'em.

Cable vs. Network

2007-08-10T03:46:00.000-04:00

Mediaweek says that the big 4 networks have experienced a drop in viewers since the summer season started, while cable has more viewers than ever.

Well, no duh!

Networks are relying on the relatively inexpensive un-scripted shows, like Hell's Kitchen and Big Brother 1 Million, while cable is giving us shows like Burn Notice, Saving Grace, Army Wives, Slice of Life, and Damages, as well as returning shows like The Closer, Monk, Psych, Kyle Xy, The 4400, The Dead Zone, Rescue Me,... right...

Cable is hitting this one out of the park while the networks are stuffing their faces in the stands.

I mean, really, how do you hope to compare your viewership rates with reality and re-runs when cable's putting out brand new stuff that's well written? Yes, I love House and Bones and Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, but what you're showing now is old news. Is it the new season yet? No?

Then I'm not interested.

There are a few reality shows that I can stand, nay, even enjoy. Hell's Kitchen and Gordon Ramsey's delicious potty mouthed meanness, On the Lot with the silver tongued Garry Marshall, somewhat confusing Carrie Fisher and Adrianna Costa (who I wish I could like but can't because I won't get over her poor clothing and hair choices) and film makers hoping to make it to that mecca that is Steven Spielberg, America's Next Producer, which plays into my love of television and creating for television, and Who Wants To Be A Superhero, which always captures my heart because I like seeing people trying to be better people and better citizens and that's what the competition is all about.

That's it.

What worries me is that the networks will continue to follow this completely unfeasible path. Oh, I know that cable can charge differently, for every viewing of the show, than network tv. And although I hate the re-run path, especially if viewers won't go online to watch or won't buy the show off iTunes, the next best thing is to watch during the summer. Except, if you can watch it in the summer, why can't you just watch during the fall?

In the summer battle, cable is winning. Of course, reality shows are more popular to others than they are to me. Yet even this doesn't make up for the fact that approximately 60% of viewers are tuning networks out and turning to cable for their summer entertainment needs.

But then again, I guess as long as there's something good on, I'll be there.

Nerd Alert!

2007-08-07T22:37:00.001-04:00

There are many times when you make a switch that people ridicule you for. They think you paid too much, or you got too little or you won't be able to do the things that other people do, but this picture sums up, in vision and deed, the vast difference between the mindset of Apple and the mindset of Dell as well as the act itself of setting up and using said machines.

Mac kills the Dell.

And, WOW, that Mac is beautiful.

photo courtesy apple.com

ps, if you can't read the print the first is an Apple iMac, the second is the Dell XPS 410.

Harry Potter!

2007-08-07T09:43:00.000-04:00

(the above said in the voice of Severus Snape)

THE scarf, Saturday, when I started.

THE scarf, Sunday night. I think it's going to turn out well.

The picture, however, did not turn out as well as I think the scarf will.

This picture turned out better:

Hi, My Name Is This Girl...

2007-08-06T01:38:00.000-04:00

and it's been 1 month since I posted on Blogger.

So, some things are going to change, like blog consolidation. Now, all my thoughts on different subjects will be put on Straight, and put into categories. Also, I will write more often. I know I've been promising that for almost 3 years, but now I think I can keep that promise... and if not, I will make it again in a month.

It's almost time for the fall television season and starting tomorrow, I will be giving my network by network synopsis and prediction for the success and failure of the shows this season. I will also recap last season's predictions and tell you 1) whether I was correct for the general population (i.e. shows were actually canceled) and 2) whether I was correct for myself (i.e. shows were taken off of the DVR).

I Saw A Bee

So, the original tomato plant that produced fruit has more tomatoes. They are small. I know they should be bigger. I have two other tomato plants, both heirloom. I am a bit worried that they won't produce fruit, but I saw a bee today. The fact that it played amongst the leaves and went nowhere near the flowers while I watched is not heartening, but if all I have is a beautifully green patio with no actual fruits and vegetables to show for it, I think I will be okay.

Or I might cry.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (no spoilers)

What a great book. After a friend and I finished reading and discussing everything like the crazy nerdly people we are, he sends me a text asking me to make him a Weasley sweater or something so hard, I would have to start on it next year to get the front portion done by next Christmas, so instead, I say I will make a scarf, Gryffindor of course, in a pattern I've seen since I first saw the scarf in the movie. Of course, if I knit on needles of the size required, it would take me as long as it would take to make a sweater to finish. So, larger needles, but a good design. Pictures to come.

I am done with all but one ruffled edge of my blanket for a friend whose baby is edging closer to the one year mark and further from being the right size for this blanket. Which sucks. This design went much slower than I suspected. It is beautiful though. I am proud of it. I'll be even more proud of it when I have a 4th ruffled edge.

In Other News

My house is a wreck. I have been in and out of town for the last couple of weeks. So when I am in the house, I've been catching up on my summer shows, writing and sleeping. I didn't even go to the market Saturday morning and I normally do. I did, however, find a new distributor of fresh eggs, so that's nice.

In a few days, I will have been married 3 years. More on that as the time approaches. I will more than likely reminisce about meeting my husband, the ups and downs of being married, why marriage is not like what I expected and what the Food Network has to do with helping my marriage be healthy.

Apparently, I have a lot of things to write about tomorrow and tomorrow is today.

So here goes... in a little bit.

Big Frakkin' Spider and other scary things

2007-07-04T03:26:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of http://www.fazed.org/content/clock_spider/

If I walked into the house and saw this:

I would not have moved the clock knowing I would reveal this:

In reality, if faced with giant spider legs stick out from behind clock, I would have immediately called movers. I would never set foot in the house again.

And though I know vampires are slightly flamboyant (capes, delicious accents, etc.), mistaking a peacock for one just shouldn't happen.

What Have I Been Up To?

2007-07-03T00:19:00.000-04:00

Yay Tomatoes!

I have also been spinning straw into gold... errr, roving into yarn.

I went out the other night with a couple of friends, reconnecting. The Honey went out for the first part, but went home early. It was good, talking to my friends. I haven't done that in a while, just hung out with nothing but enjoyment on my mind.

I'll admit that sometimes I want to hang out so that my husband will meet my friends and will find more that he likes. I am constantly trying to assimilate my husband's idiosyncrasies into my friends' zaniness. That basically means they're all crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've always wanted to just get to the point where my husband says, "Let's hang out with [insert name of friend here]". As I get used to his personality, I loosen up a bit more. I'm alright if he doesn't like anyone, but I'm glad that he's taken to some of my friends.

Speaking of friends, I have a friend situation that I am finally able to let go of. It took a while, a lot of soul searching, and one night out on the town and a few too many shots of tequila (on their half) to see a side of old friends that should really stay hidden. Have you ever met someone whose every action is a lie? I didn't think it was possible to know someone for a couple of years and seem close to them and find out that every moment had been a lie. Well, not every moment, but enough where no "good" memory yields good feelings anymore. I used to reminisce because I remembered how she used to be, but now that I see what she has become outwardly, I am not sure I want to know inwardly, but I guess it's because I remember too.

Memories aren't what they used to be.

Tomatoes

2007-06-28T15:18:00.000-04:00

My tomato plant, which has grown taller than me, has finally produced fruit. Only two right now and maybe a few more... I can only hope!

Today, All My Troubles Seem So Near At Hand

2007-06-26T22:12:00.000-04:00

Actually, I haven't really had any troubles today. I feel like, for the first time, I may really be getting a handle on my non-writing job. It's refreshing.

As for writing... well...

Today, I talked to one of my teachers. It went really well (so I think, anyway), but something weird happened. As I was getting ready to leave, this old guy with top and bottom teeth missing started talking to me about this "thing" a friend gave him and asked me if I wanted to press a button.

Ummmmm, excuse me? Do I know you?

He was creepy. I don't mean to be a judge by looks kind of person, but this was hard to miss. I had a feeling he was trying to witness to me, that if I pressed the "thing's" button, it would give me a message of hope or something.

Lame.

I mean, first of all, if you have no top or bottom teeth, just try talking to me about God. Don't try to con me into doing something that gets me involved. Because then, you look like a pervert.

A no teeth pervert.

I think they made a film about that.

It's not that I don't want to hear about God. It's just that I want to hear about God from someone I think can articulate. I don't need props. Just ask me a question. As it is, I don't EVER play with things strangers ask me to play with.

I've been feeling extremely hungry. I get sharp, nearly crippling hunger pangs, like my stomach is striking at the rest of my body. I NEED to eat. But then, once I start eating, I feel sick to my stomach. But I have to keep eating because that extreme hunger sensation is still there. I have to eat slowly and take deep breaths so I don't throw up.

And no, I know for a fact that I'm not pregnant.

So what's wrong with me. Monday, when I was driving to return the rental car from our recent trip to North Carolina (conference for me, vacation for The Honey), I literally was forced off the road and to the nearest food source, which in this case was the Waffle House, and ordered food and coffee like a mad person and at like one of those starving children my mom always wanted me to think about. I immediately wanted to throw it up (although, it being waffle house, I didn't associate with my hunger so much as with the grease). All answers will be appreciated.

Things About Me

2007-06-08T12:42:00.001-04:00

I have an addictive personality. I realized this early on, I guess. Research tells you early on that if you have parents addicted to alcohol or drugs, you may share the same qualities that would cause you to be addicted to things. So I decided to stay away from smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, etc. because I didn't want to be controlled by those things.

But I did not put the brakes on other areas where my addictive personality shows through. Like eating. Now, I'm not as big as a house, but I can put away food. My first and lasting addiction is cheese in all it's various forms. I like cheddar the best, although Parmesan usually peaks its head in. That was followed by an addiction to cheese snacks. Nacho Cheese Doritos, Cheesums Pringles, I once had a year long addiction to the crunchy cheetos. Then it went to cereal. I would go to the local bulk food store and buy Honey Bunches of Oats with Almond cereal. Then I would hide them in my room and eat them when no one else would notice.

Man, I loved that cereal.

That addictive nature has moved into the knitting/spinning/yarn loving arena and the gardening arena. I think I realized this when I had my hands (gloved of course) in pounds of worm compost (worm poop for those of you who don't know) looking for the worms I was using to start my own worm farm. I search the internet for natural ways to kill the vermin that are destroying my strawberries. Out of nowhere, in the middle of completely different conversation, I will go off topic and talk about my garden, as if no other conversation had been going on. I long to get home to my spinning wheel. Someone from the yarn store let me borrow their older wheel, just to see if I like it and I have to say, I like it a lot. There is a lot of peace in the repetitiveness of pumping the treadle, pulling the roving and winding the yarn.

Except for spinning Sunday, I think I will purpose in my heart to finish at least one edge and start on the 3rd edge of my baby blanket, so the little baby cutie will get it while she can still snuggle underneath it.

What'd y'all order a dead guy for?

2007-05-30T02:59:00.000-04:00

I tried for a long time to convince The Honey to watch Serenity with me. Then one night, unbeknownst to me, he watched it, probably out of boredom.

And he liked it.

He liked it enough to try Firefly, the show the movie Serenity came from. The show that did so poorly on Fox, the show I was mad at for taking Dark Angel's place. Now, I watch the 14 episodes at least 2 times a year, if not more and I remember Michael Weatherly more from NCIS than from the show I once paid so much attention to.

So when Firefly comes out in HD DVD, we will enjoy a mini marathon of canceled television show ending with the series finally major motion picture and enjoy ever goram minute of it.

"You wanna explain to me exactly why you got yourself all corpsefied and mailed to me?"

I love the characters. As I watch it now, every time I watch the show, I can't believe how much I like it. I can't believe I didn't give it a chance. I was young and stupid I guess. I've laughed and cried with this group of bandits, watched them be a family... it's awesome. An awesome show.

He asked me if the show was better than the movie. Yes. Yes it is.

I can't watch the movie without watching the show. I'd prefer to watch the show first, followed by the movie, in its true order. However, I started out with the movie and then the show, just like The Honey will. Maybe I'll start dvr-ing the show on Universal HD and watching it with him, since our fall shows are off the air for the summer.

Keeping In Touch

2007-05-28T02:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I don't write because I feel like I don't have something profound to say. You know, I kind of want each post to be something big, or manifest some new thought or lead others into a different way of thinking.

It's a nuisance really. I am itching to talk about things, but when it comes to getting those "things" down, I balk...

I choke, really.

But really, all I ever do is write, watch tv, knit/spin, and garden. I am a boring person. Oh, I have a job and I manage people, but when it comes to the things that make up me, these are the things, besides being a wife, that take up the most time.

I'm thinking about working on that blanket. I finished one sock, but find starting a new one is easy and hard at the same time. Both involve some sort of boredom in doing a repetitive action over and over again, but then again that sense of excitement that on long strand of fabric creates a multitude of things. When I showed my husband my sock, a sock that looked made specifically for my foot (because it was), he was amazed. Not because he didn't think I could do it, i don't think, but because he didn't realize the joy in it. Something created specifically for you. Something that took time and doesn't look like garbage, something that looks like something you might buy. Amazing.

I cooked out today, a few things. There's nothing like the taste of grill cooked food. And I wanted that taste. It was really good. I wished my tomato plant had ripe tomatoes for me to cut up on the hamburgers. One day, that will be the case. My strawberries are pretty, but now I have to wage war on the slugs so that they don't eat them first. I'm also started a worm farm so that I can have my own composte. It's amazing how good vermicomposting is for plants. Yes, I am handling worms. I used to fish. But I do wear gloves because, basically, those creepy crawlers deserve their names. (is slightly grossed out just thinking about it). With the gloves, it's not so bad.

I am trying my best to be a consistently good writer. Right now, I'm merely passable. There are some things I can be proud of, but mainly it's crap. To me. I want to be consistent. I'll give myself time before I throw in the towel.

I miss tv. My DVR is lonely. No new shows for it to record (just yet) and nothing new for me to watch. It's sad. I can't wait until the summer season starts. It's just that pause between Winter and summer seasons that's a bit frustrating for those addicted to television. Just as well, I need a bit of a break anyway. Ruffles don't knit themselves.

Exciting and New

2007-05-17T14:58:00.000-04:00

My strawberry bucket is growing strawberries quickly, my tomato plant, while not full of tomatoes at all, is still alive and growing. My other poor, dead, plant is trying to sprout leaves again. (It actually did, but in my excitement at not actually completely killing the plant, I broke it off... I am so bad at this.) I will have more pictures soon.

I pulled my grape yarn off the spindle. It is hanging to dry as we speak. I will check it out tomorrow. It has been pretty exciting making my own yarn. I find, though, that I need more than excitement, perseverance, a spindle and roving. Apparently, I truly need something to wind it on... it's hard pulling yarn from the spindle and wrapping it all by myself.

Halo 3 Multiplayer beta came out for XBox360 users who play Crackdown. I don't like it. Of course, I've never played Halo, I didn't play the beta multiplayer version, but if I can't make it through the training session of Gears of War, how in the world am I going to stop thinking human beings on a hunt for anything that moves. I will stick to my Viva Pinata garden, thank you very much.

I hope they come out with an XBox360 portable, like the DS Lite (my favourite thus far) or the PSP. Every now and then, I just want to pull out the player and see if I can finally attract a Dragumfly to my garden. Or start all over. Whatever works!

My desk at work is not clean, but it is very manageable.

I could really use a candy bar right now. (Exciting, but not new)

We are going to watch the first game of the new baseball team here. I hope it's good. Local baseball was always fun.

I am getting better as a writer (not that you can tell it here, but I am!).

Green Thumb

2007-05-11T16:37:00.000-04:00

I bought tomato plants. A good friend is growing them on his apartment balcony, apparently with much success, so I figured I would try. I bought a plant, but the guy gave me two with a sly little "just in case" look.

He was right... However, I am continuing the growth of one plant...

But what I am most excited about is my strawberry bucket. I was a bit disappointed when I first bought it. there were only 4 strawberry buds on it. Yet today, when I went out, I found at least 10 buds total and about 3 more possibles. I'm so excited.

Baby strawberry flower...

Strawberries!

All in this one little container...

To show that I am becoming obsessed (as usual) with a new hobby, I am considering my own worm farm for composting....That's right, spawning thousands of worms and using their poop for fertilizer. Obsessed.

Never Satisfied

2007-05-05T21:42:00.000-04:00

I love living by the lake. I love being able to sit out on my patio and write/read/watch tv on my computer. Do you know what I hate?

Spring slash summer.

Oh.My.Word.

I spend the winter hoping for the spring. I am so excited about the first morning I can step outside with my computer in something other than gloves and sweatshirt (can't type in gloves).

So, apparently, are the critters. Mosquitoes, gnats, other flying lake things, spiders, beetles, ants... They, too, spend all winter just waiting for the spring, to come out of hibernation, to pursue something they hope to be one day good at - like flying up my nose just as I think I'll be left alone.

It is so beautiful to look at the lake. In the spring, the morning air is so perfect, a nice gentle breeze that is neither cold nor hot. The air is crisp, the light is good, the waves are gentle. I love it.

I hate the critters.

There are literally 3 good days to be outside.

This year, I missed them all. All I got was bugs.

These bugs travel in packs, like a gang. An angry, hyperactive gang. They move so fast, yet they can hover in one spot for hours. Apparently, there are several bug rivalries. They will clash at times, move away, then come back to their spots.

I missed my days. But if anyone can find me an ant free outside spot, I'd be forever grateful.

Cinco de Mayo

2007-05-05T21:30:00.000-04:00

The 5th of May is not really anything special to us. Drinking margaritas and going out to Mexican restaurants is a common occurence. The special thing about this year is that the Honey was going to be off and able to celebrate cinco de mayo on the 5th of may. The unspecial thing about this 5th of may is that the Honey was sick.

Stuffy head, aching, sneezing, coughing sick.

Poor baby.

So we had Cinco de Mayo at home. Soft beef tacos and fish tacos, although I didn't have avocados which I should if I were doing fish tacos... nevertheless, they were good. The Braves are losing, which does not bode well for this game against the Dodgers or our one game lead. Here's hoping the Mets lose tonight.

We tried our margaritas with real lime juice (which the Honey liked best), sweetened lime juice (which I liked best) and the packaged margarita mix is waiting for our try. Although I like it to be sweetened, the first was really good.

So, what did you suckers do for Cinco de Mayo?

All Time Nerd High

2007-04-22T23:45:00.000-04:00

I have been knitting for almost three years now. I started the summer before I got married, although I got discouraged in the early parts of marriage and put knitting down for a bit. Then, on the way to visit family in Michigan, I decided to bring my knitting with me and I have been going ever since.

I'm still in the "knit straight things" category, scarves, blankets, afghans, etc. The other day, during a special event at my favourite yarn shop, Creative Yarns I talked someone into showing me how to make yarn from "roving", fiber in its unfinished form.

My husband has informed me I at at an all time high in nerddom. But I love it. It is interesting watching this:

turn into this:

and this:

In other knitterly news, I am still working on the baby blanket for a special little girl. This is what I have so far:

It is mostly finished, although the hardest part, the ruffled edge, is taking the longest. 1 down, 3 more to go! *sigh*

Gears of War Can Eat Baloney; I Love Viva Pinata

2007-04-03T00:41:00.000-04:00

I'm not a gamer. You would never mistake me for one.

Yet the other day, I beat the 200 lines version of Tetris on DS Lite. Granted, when I first started playing, I couldn't get past level 4 even if I had help with the first 20 lines. Yet one day, I was flowing, the block were falling, my mind, not my fingers were moving them and suddenly, they were no longer falling and words were scrolling and I realized that I had won.

So I got bolder.

I played Elebits for the Wii. Elebits is a game where you are basically catching little critters that make electrical things work. You capture a certain wattage to win a level. They put up obstacles, like you can only break a few things or you can't make much noise. They also put a critter in that you couldn't capture AND that could attack you and reduce your strength.

Not cool. But completely so at the same time.

I like the Wii because you feel like you are a part of the game. I was playing a boss level, which I haven't beaten yet, and I was moving all over the room while trying to dodge big balls of energy like it was truly going to come out of the screen. I like the Wii.

Then my husband gets the XBox360. It is an amazing bit of machinery and the type of game that is just what I have always avoided when it comes to video games. Lots of buttons and complicated controlling.

But I beat Tetris. Doesn't this mean I should step outside my comfort zone? So I decide, I will play Gears of War with my husband. I'll just learn the controls.

Just. What a crazy word that is. Just. It makes everything seem easy. Just. Learn. The. Controls.

I think I would sooner learn to be a Cirque du Soleil performer than try to get the hang of Gears of War controls. I think I would rather relish the nutritional benefits of eating dirt than learn the Gears of War controls. I think I would rather play nice with a constrictor around my throat than get the hang of Gears of War controls. (you see if a constrictor is around your throat they can feel your heartbeat and will do the constricting part of their name...)

Wuss, you say? Yes. That's me.

Let me explain what playing Gears of War was like for me. Imagine, the world spinning out of control, as if you were drunk. Random shooting at nothing in particular, although the floor seems to merit special interest. The character is moving in the direction he's not looking and when those monster thingies burst through the door on your very first challenge, the character is ducked behind the door to periodically pop up and shoot the floor or the door jamb before being mercilessly ripped apart a scant 2 seconds later.

And repeat.

I was so horrible at it my husband, who was excited at the mere thought of his wife becoming a gamer with him, was scrunched back in the cushions of the couch trying his hardest to be encouraging while being thoroughly befuddled that this deja vu moment was happening for the 15th time.

Oh, I'd be in different spots, but would somehow manage to hit the floor and door jambs perfectly and miss the monster thingies completely, then be taken apart like steak to ravening wolves.

I was able to admire the many varied bloody patches my previous deaths left on the floor.

Honestly, I never made it past that first door. The first challenge of the game left me stumped.

My husband let that one go.

I did enjoy Crackdown, however. My character is Coward Cop, because all I like to do is run around collecting the orbs that let you jump higher and kick the hell out of things. When there is a lot of shooting, I run away. The only time I went ballistic is the time I was at the funhouse circus place and they kept shooting at me. It was annoying. So I shot everyone, collected all the orbs and immediately ran away.

My husband made up a song especially for Coward Cop.

My favourite video game right now is Viva Pinata. I love the game so much, I DVRed the Saturday morning cartoon. It sucked, although I loved the fizzlybear's surfer voice. In the short time we've had the 360, I've played that game to death. It is relaxing, except when the Sours come in and wreck your garden and make the other pinatas sick. I remember the first time I played, I didn't want to kill any pinatas. Now, less than a week later, I whack evil pinatas with relish. I think I just made it to level 40 gardener and found the Dragonache egg.

Gibberish? Yes. Fun? Heck yes!

Now, we have a new game in the arsenal. Guitar Hero 2. Guitar Hero 2 was the main reason my husband wanted the XBox360. He's been playing for 3 hours straight. I hear they are going to put out a Band version as well. My husband suggested I be the singer.

Hah!

Tomorrow, I will play Guitar Hero 2 in the comfort and privacy of my own home while my husband is at work, just so he doesn't hear my mistakes.

Expect nothing less than a Gear of War style debacle as my hands once again refuse to follow what my eyes see. And if I somehow make the Guitar Hero 2 universe reel drunkenly before band members get slaughtered by monster thingies coming out of the ground, I will definitely capture that screen for you.

ESPN Radio

2007-03-30T23:13:00.000-04:00

I am addicted to sports talk radio.

Addicted.

It started during football season (I love football), but somehow, it has steamrolled into an everyday obsession. I sometimes enjoy basketball, thought I hadn't liked the NBA for years - until recently when those guys stopped playing like spoiled brats in a gym and started running like men on a hot, outdoor, asphalt court with something to prove.

But I digress.

And not just an ordinary obsession where I want to listen all the time. The kind of obsession that makes other people say "whoa". The kind of obsession where you get angry when, instead of hearing Mike and Mike, you hear Mike and Josh, or Doug and Mike, or The Herd is with John Seibel, not Colin Cowherd.

I need it to be Colin Cowherd!

And I feel left out when I hear a clip from a show I didn't get to listen to. Or I start to muse on the actuality of Reggie Miller and Dan Patrick's relationship.

I want to know it ALL.

But I won't subscribe to ESPN Insider because that's not how I want to spend my money.

Ah well, who knows. Maybe this obsession will only last 6 months, like my country obsession.

Big Wheels Keep On Turning

2007-03-16T11:23:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how easy driving is, how easy it is to speed, how easy it is to get into a head exploding tizzy fit when other people don't speed... I got my driver's license when I was 22 years old. Too old to be afraid of speed, but I was. I know, some of you who know me will be amazed. Anyone who has been a passenger has, at one time or another, feared for their lives. When I first started driving, however, I was a Sunday driver everyday. My mom taught me to drive and, being that she is almost exactly like me, was the worst teacher ever. When I drive, my goal is to get to the destination the fastest with the fewest lights. It boggles my mind that other drivers don't think like this. For my mom, her goal was to have as smooth a ride as possible (I think) and that was just not possible with a girl who, when the speedometer got a little on the plus of 25, would kinda start to freak. Freaking meant frequent brake stepping and then speeding back up again. Which would bring more comment from the single peanut in the gallery which would just be sheer torture for me. It was not pretty. It was so bad, I had to get someone else to teach me how to parallel park. My mom is an awesome driver. She can backwards drive like nobody's business (she could take Mater). She's good at parallel parking as well, but can you imagine me, Nervous Nelly, trying to place a big ol' Dodge Caravan between two cars when I didn't have my driving eyes yet, and my mom, aka older, impatient me, was my teacher? No. I learned in a little Honda Civic from a friend at church. Armed with my grit my teeth and bear it approach to learning from my mom and the ease of parallel parking from Jen. A. and my superior day before the test memorization of the driving manual, I was handed a license a mere 6 hours after I'd gotten there. I got to drive home... on the interstate!!! I went over 50 miles per hour for the first time behind the wheel. I wasn't quite doing the speed limit and I was in the fast lane. I apologize. But I was driving on the interstate and that was a big deal. Now, while it's no big deal, I still get a kick out of remembering.

Now, I feel like I drive with my eyes closed. Which should be dangerous, but turns out not to be. Most of my drive I could probably do in my sleep. I take different ways just to spice up the drive. I carefully plan my course like some sort of army sergeant. I have plan B driving paths. I am so anal. But it is a pleasing endeavor. That is where I find joy, getting to my destination with minimal stops and praise be to God if I don't find myself behind someone who thinks it's safer to go 30 miles under the speed limit.

I have to admit, though, since I've gotten married, my husband had been pumping gas for me and I find that I will do anything in my power to not be the one that has to pump the gas. It's a quirk. I've learned to love it.

The other day, I realized, as I sped between Ma and Paw Sunday Driver and Memaw and all the others, that I was much more at ease with speed. I found going 25 so mind numbingly slow that I try my best to always be 10 miles over the limit. I don't fear the ticket. Sometimes, it's worth it for the speed. So I drive every day, the same way with the same destinations in mind and I'm glad that, though driving came late, it did finally show it's face and that makes me happy.

The Little You Know

2007-03-07T12:36:00.000-05:00

Right now, I am listening to a girl I used to work with singing on her myspace page. It is myspace.com/ohdorian. I am a big fan of female singer songwriters - Neko Case, Emiliana Torrini, Lucinda Williams, Mindy Smith on occassion - and Oh Dorian has just been added.

Heather Kemp is a little bit of a girl, a fireball in a way, but quiet as well. We worked together and I was her manager. What made it frustrating for her to work with me is that management had not made any official declarations of who would be in charge in the store, only asking me to keep things in line since I was the senior member of the staff. There were little things I was nit-picky about, things that would interrupt busy times and cost money -only cents, I'm sure- but over time a cost that would add up while being completely unnecessary. Because of the nit-picking, we had a strained working relationship although I like Heather a lot. She had her own sense of style, her own way of getting to the heart of things. She took things with a laugh and generally had a smile on her face. She worked hard, which should have been commended, but I was too new to know anything except how to talk about what was going wrong. Outside of work, we were strangers in a sense, the kind that feel that should stop and talk to each other, but at the same time, were eager to get away as soon as the silence reached 2 seconds. I heard that she had begun singing and playing and I wanted to go check her out, but I haven't had the chance. I even delayed listening to her site, even though it was easy to do. For the last couple of weeks, I've seen her everywhere and I guess we've seen each other out of our normal context. I think, in a way, it has been refreshing to each of us because we've had a delight in seeing each other in a way we never had before.

So I decided to hit her site. I was blown away. It just proves how little you know about the people around you, their dreams and aspirations. Her talent is evident. Her voice isn't vampish, as if she wants to claim some title that Brittney Spears left behind. Sometimes it's as clear as a bell, wafting through the air, reverberating through you in waves. Sometimes it's gritty as if what she has to say is too tough and if she didn't have music, she wouldn't be saying it at all. She plays both piano and guitar and each add its own element to the music. She uses the music to give a prelude of the song and her voice is singer and instrument as well, the way the words flow, the way she structures them. She has a song that reminds me of Tori Amos and though I have not always liked Tori Amos, she does the style that I do like from her. She combines her influences, never imitating them dead on, but mixing them in interesting ways. As I sit and listen, I love her voice and I want to hear more.

So many people have talents. I enjoy writing, but there are people who know me, even people who know that I write, who have no idea how hard I have worked and am working to become this elusive thing called Writer. There are people around Heather right now that don't know that she has this talent. She works with them, among them, being normal, chipper. This Friday, I'm going to learn this other side of her, the side called Musician, and if her website is any indication, I will love it.

She plays at 550 Blues at 9pm on Friday March, 9. 550 Blues is on Riverside Drive between MLK and First street.

11

2007-03-01T12:46:00.000-05:00

It was 1994, the summer before I went to college. OJ Simpson ruined the basketball playoffs, baseball was talking strikes and football wouldn't start until later that year. There were no good sports on the telly, so I tried a sport I had never looked into. Hockey.

What can I say? I was in the south. Hockey has not made its way to this area. We didn't have an NHL team. We didn't have any area rinks. Truth be told, we were all a little afraid of snow. We had a storm the year before all the 12 incheswe got was enough to make many people thank God that that type of blizzard only happened once every 20 years.

To be fair, I have a history of liking things my fellow southerns could care less about. I was a big fan of soccer. I was number 11, played the left wing position and my coach called me "the angel of death". What can I say, I was aggressive. I was one of six girls on our boys team and I loved it. After OJ took his sweet, ever loving, time driving around his city, right in the middle of the finals and I'm watching him do 10mph while while a small PIP continues b-ball coverage. I think we can all agree, not the same. I had to find something else and the Stanley Cup gave my that something.

I watched the Rangers play for the Stanley Cup. I had no clue what any of it was all about. I didn't know the rules. I just liked it. I always pick a player that I root for and so I picked someone with my number. It was Mark Messier. I didn't know anything about him, his history with the Oilers, his status as a player. I just knew I liked watching him play. He was aggressive and he was fast and his Rangers won that Cup. It was exciting to watch it all.

My family thought I was crazy, but that was okay. I moved to Boston, MA a few months later for school and fell in love with the Boston University hockey team, my home team. As an homage to hockey and to my number, I found a Mark Messier poster. It hung on my wall until it was destroyed during a move. I don't know if I was as much a Messier fan (though he deserved it) as I was paying respect to the person and the number, but I know that watching Messier play set the tone for watching hockey.

In January, the Rangers retired number 11. A few days ago, the Oilers did the same thing. Reading that story made me remember just how much I owe my love of hockey to that number.

Keep On Writing In The Free World

2007-01-14T05:37:00.000-05:00

Working and writing is not turning out like I thought it would. I thought, if I am already writing, working in a job that allows me to work around my writing schedule should be easy.

Wrong.

It seems to be harder. And not only does it seem to be harder, but I am getting more ideas for short stories, television scripts, and articles than I can write. And I'm hearing the voices again... just bits of conversation as opposed to full blown stories with plots, but it will come soon.

That sounds crazy.

My husband tells me he always hears music in his head. As a musician, that makes sense. Sometimes I see him move his hands over invisible keys playing the melody. Me, I hear voices. Strangers take up residence in my head and tell me stories. They keep talking, whether I'm asleep or awake. I miss important plot points. I miss deaths and births, but I hear stories. For a long time, it was a constant barrage. Sometimes, they would include people I know and I couldn't remember if it was only a story or if I had actually had this conversation. Usually, it was only a story. Then, different things happened and it was like my brain shut down.

I used Jeopardy to gauge brain activity.

After my brain shut down, I couldn't hear the stories anymore. I would put my hand to paper and walk away blank. Blank page, blank on the inside. I would watch Jeopardy and not know a single question... or if I knew it, could not get it out before the true answer was given. I was working alot, feeling unappreciated at my job, under stress... just in a generally bad way. Then I was given the blessing of pursuing my dream.

Which was more like a nightmare at first.

But as I worked diligently (and for free) just for the opportunity to become a better writer so I could then make the big bucks, I noticed something.

The voices were coming back.

I could play Jeopardy again.

It sounds crazy.

But I missed it, I realized. The first time I woke up to voices and stories, I just listened. They didn't lead me anywhere, but it was comforting. I felt comfortable in my own skin again. Being away from the pressure of that old job was getting rid of an invisible toxin I never knew I had. I am turning back into myself.

Maybe if writing and working wasn't so time consuming and sleep depriving, then it would be perfect. Then again, because I thrive on chaos, maybe it already is.

How Do You Feel?

2007-01-11T15:51:00.000-05:00

I did a silly little blog poll today that asked, "Who is the greatest person in the world?" The choices were: Your mother, the Speaker of the House, the guy that invented the Tivo, Mike Bobo, or "W". It is obvious, if you know me, that I picked the Tivo guy. When you made your choice, you see what most people picked. Most people chose their mother and for a split second, I felt guilty for valuing the Tivo guy over my mother. Then I realized my mother doesn't even like TV, much less record shows for me when I don't get to watch them.

When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.

2006-12-15T18:32:00.000-05:00

Kurt Vonnegut wrote that. That's how I feel all the time. Except my crayon is a nub and I need to remove the paper. Frustrating. I know that I've been paid to write and I keep getting assignments, but I feel more like a fraud than I ever have. As I get closer and closer to my goals, I feel as if I am still so far away. Each success begs to be duplicated and brings its own very different fears. I am overwhelmed. I want to quit everything, just stop it, but the thought of doing that is so gut wrenching, and when I actually sit down to put word to page (or type to screen), I am at home. I don't know why this has to be such a combative process, but then, as Will Smith playing Chris Gardner says, it is the pursuit of happiness. I don't want to work this hard, yet when I do it, I love it. Ah well, let me take this crayon and pretend that my work is not a giant cerulean scribble on the screen of life.

A Different Light

2006-12-03T12:44:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking on the subject of friendship a lot lately. I called a person who was once a really good friend and we struggled through our less than 10 minute conversation as if we were strangers. While I still have friends from college and when I moved back home many years ago, the friendships I thought would be the longest lasting have all but dissipated. My husband still has his friends from high school. While they've struggled with continuing to find time for each other in the mess of life, they still do, they still enjoy each others company. With the exception of one friend here, my other good friends live in Atlanta and Miami. While Atlanta is not that far away, in many ways it is a lifetime away. With hectic lives on both sides, making arrangements to hang out doesn't happen as often as we'd like.

So what happens to make relationships disintegrate? How can you be each other's best friends and confidantes one day and the next not even really know the person? I'm prone to think it's a woman thing, because my husband and my guy friends are my only friends. My husbands friends are slowly warming up to me and me to them, but every female friend I have ever claimed as a "best" friend, barring my friend in Miami, has left me in the dust. I am not bitter about this fact, just incredulous, wondering what I do to cause it, if it is my fault, if I am just a poor chooser of friends. I would like to put the blame on myself in some cases. I am the common denominator. But in other cases, even as I claimed friend status, I watched her make and discard friends like tissue paper, and one day, my turn was up. It is hard for me to turn off the "caring for a friend" mode that I've gotten into when friends leave me, but I could stand to see this in a different light.

In other news, babies are being born and are about to be born. Expect presents sometimes before they turn 2.

Scrybe Says: I Will Save Your Life

2006-10-24T22:42:00.000-04:00

Something that could break the Google Dynasty? We'll see.

Google Rules My Life

2006-10-17T10:04:00.000-04:00

When I got to the coffee shop today, I immediately opened four applications. Gmail, Google Docs and Spreadsheets, Google Calendar and Google Reader. I looked at my tabs and realized that everything that starts my day was managed by Google. So I immediately went to Blogger, owned by Google, to tell y'all. So, anybody else have applications that completely rule their lives - or at least that they don't get through the day without?

It's Almost Official

2006-10-16T02:19:00.000-04:00

As of this Thursday, I may become a paid writer. I hope it happens. If not, I may be crying in my milk later. But don't you dare worry about me. I'll be fine.

UPDATE: It's now official. I am a paid writer. Yay!

"The N-Word"

2006-10-10T15:20:00.000-04:00

So, what words can we use to talk about the N-word without using the phrase "the N-word"? That's the question Washington Post is asking for their writing style sheet.

an excerpt from the Post:
Podesta wrote that it would be better for Post reporters to "take a few more words and say something like 'a well-known racial epithet.'"

In a telephone interview Monday afternoon, Podesta said the issue came up first as an aside during a conversation with an African American colleague.

"She said, 'You know, I'm really sick of this term, it's really trivializing and childish ... and we should find something more adult" when referencing the word, Podesta said.

Other African American journalists told Podesta they found the word "annoying," a few suggested simply running the word, at least on first reference.

"The word is so freighted with meaning, it's like, wink-wink, we're saying the word, and we're not saying it," Podesta said.

Last June the black-owned and -oriented Chicago Defender stirred some controversy with a story about the African American community's view of the word that carried the word in a front-page headline.

"Black America, isn't it about time we made up our mind about the word nigger?" the headline read.

"If we (at the Defender) can't raise the issue, then who can?" the paper's executive editor, Roland Martin, said at the time.

At the Post, Podesta's memo also urged staffers to "be careful about" other terms, including "anti-immigrant," and "jihad" and "jihadist."

So what do you guys think? Should the word just be out there with an overall apology that encompasses any writing that comes out from now on that no one is being called a name, should be come up with other terms, is "the N-word" sufficient and people should just get over themselves? I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say. I'm not sure what I think. I can't stand to hear or see nigger in print, although it loses its sting when discussed academically. "The N-word" is kind of annoying, but not as annoying as the Washington's Post's suggested euphemism, "a well-known racial epithet". Is there a better course that can be used for the present or are we just stuck where we are?

Dough

2006-10-04T19:58:00.000-04:00

Since we've moved to our new apartment, I've been afraid to bake. I love baking, but my oven temperature has been unreliable. I discovered, after I'd tried and failed at making a standard cake, a cake I've made so many times that I could do it with my eyes closed, that my oven cooked too hot. I've been working, over the last few months, to figure out how to get it just right. So I'm trying my hand at the cake again (3rd time).

What prompted me to write, though, is how much I like uncooked dough. I made cookies last weekend and they came out okay, which was the first time for them. I ate more dough than I baked, I think. So I've been eating cake dough as I wait to see if this one will do well. It's really good. I might only have a smaller cake if I eat the second half before the first half cooks. I love cake! I love dough!

Oh No!

2006-09-28T04:51:00.000-04:00

I am in a state of numb shock. In the course of moving from windows to mac, I forgot that I had to get a few things. I couldn't read my files because I didn't have Office on my Mac, so I had to get it. Well, while in pursuit of a word processor, my external hard drive decided to give out on me. I found out later that there was some big technical problem where, although the hard drive normally runs something that supports Windows, OS X, and Linux, at some point my hard drive tried to re-format because of some file sharing something or other, which made it incompatible with my new computer, and I had to re format that hard drive. At first, I just thought a bunch of video that I'd stored on there was gone, but then I realized, with some horror, that all of my writing was also on there. All gone. I felt stupid, shamed, lazy... I could have prevented it all my emailing everything to myself so that my writing would be stored outside of my own hard drives. I could have just pulled all the files onto my new computer just in case something happened to my hard drive -which I would have done if I'd ever thought something would happen to my hard drive. Now, the prospect of writing seems so pointless. How could I let this happen? I don't think I could have been as big an idiot if I'd tried. I'm trying to calm myself by thinking that starting from scratch can do nothing but help, but I had actually outlined a show I wanted to write. I had been working hard on writing short stories, essays... it just really sucks right now, but I couldn't go to sleep until I got it off my chest. Okay, Good night.

Meet my new PowerBook, Mac

2006-09-27T05:16:00.000-04:00

I am typing to you from my brand new PowerBook. Yes! I have it! It is in my possession, running my programs, doing just about everything I did before. I love it. It feels so neat to type on it. The key touch is softer, making typing a bit easier. It is smaller, so it's cute. And it loads programs faster than my Dell did. My husband has been looking out for me because when he found this deal, he snatched it up. Anyway, of course I'm finding it a little bit confusing working with a new operating system, but Mac is so nice, he pretty much leads me to everything and anything I don't know, my husband tells me. This has been fun, so far, discovering everything it will do, learning that I've installed a program incorrectly, being able to cheer myself on when I figure something out (go me!)... I'm just having alot of fun right now. Anyway, it is well past time to go to bed. Enjoy your day, everyone.

Okay, We Get It Superdome

2006-09-25T23:42:00.000-04:00

As a city that accepted refugees from Katrina, I understand. Finally, the Superdome is able to host the New Orlean Saints and what a celebration you had. U2 and Green Day? Municipal workers on the field? You were finally home and no one on the earth could combat that kind of energy and, in a way, no one would want to. So why did it have to be us? Why did we have to play you in this game? I hate that the Falcons lost, but I'm glad that the Saints get their reopening victory.

What did I do today?

2006-09-24T00:03:00.000-04:00

Slept. I took a sleeping pill because I've been having a spot of insomnia. I took it at around 4am. I slept until about 4pm. That was the whole day. I didn't write. I didn't read anything... well, I did a couple of pages of Heart of Darkness. Then we went to Ruby Tuesdays to eat with a couple of friends. One friend just got back from a mission trip. Then we went to the Douglass Theatre to hear Jeff Lang. If you get a chance to hear him play, you should. If you love live music and want to hear a guitar genius/master/virtuoso, you have to hear him play. He's from Australia and he was funny. It was funny watching my husband and his friend listening to him. They're both musicians and they were blown away. His second song in, they both were sat completely back in their chairs, arms pushed straight out with hands on their knees, with equal looks of incredulity. Then they started giggling like little boys. This part lasted a good three songs. It was almost more entertaining for me to watch them (and the rest of the audience) than listening to the music. But the music was awesome. By the way, the Ruby Tuesdays in the mall is going downhill. I remember a time when I used to look forward to going there, getting the black bean and chicken penne pasta dish, salad bar, which was the lord of all salad bars, and just sitting back and enjoying the ambience. Don't get me wrong, it's still a chain, but it was a pretty good one. But tonight, I tasted the worst burger I've ever tasted, the one with the different kinds of good beef ground together. I ordered the turkey burger, but I should have just stuck with the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich with bleu cheese dressing. The bun on my turkery burger was so big, it must have weighed a pound. It was huge! Taste wise, it was okay though.

That was my day. Uninteresting until Jeff Lang, then back to normal. But the sleep was definitely good... of course, that means I won't be going to sleep tonight until after 4am again. Oh well, we'll figure something out.

New Baby

2006-09-22T21:11:00.000-04:00

Last night, my husband brought home a new baby. He's not mine yet, but I have high hopes. He had to be cleaned up a bit, we'll probably have to get a new battery, and I'm hoping to get one of those fancy schmancy stands that swivel as well, but I may soon have a brand new used computer.

It's so purty! It's nice and has a grey case and is small. I thought I'd hate a small computer. I'm always looking at the widescreens, but when I was playing with Mac last night (that's his name, Mac), I not only liked it, but it was a great complement to my office because its screen was everything I have now, but it was small enough to see the television screen without stretching or sitting at odd angles. I can watch and type at the same time!

My husband has told me several times which computer it is. It's a 12" Powerbook. If I can find a picture, I'll scrounge it up for you. I'm really excited about it. It's much faster, so I can do all my searching, watching, listening and writing without the irritating lag I've experienced with my Dell. I'm so happy right now... I could cry... but I don't do that.

I'm Sorry

2006-09-21T17:45:00.000-04:00

Now that I've become a big time ~~television watcher~~ writer, I act like I don't have time to update you guys. I should have time, as much time as I spend on this computer, but I don't. I think it's just that I don't take the time, like I'm doing now. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to keep coming here if I publish once a month and some of you rely on this site (or my Xanga) to keep up with me. Well, I have to admit, I use Xanga more because a majority of my family is on it, but I will not forget you 3 people who check this site to see what's up.

So, what's up? Not much. We're broke because I'm not making any money. I am choking on finding a paying writing job. What I do know how to get started doing, I don't think I'm ready for it and what I think I could do, I don't know how to break in. I'm just going to have to start failing so that I can get used to the feeling and get over the fear. I am definitely growing in the writing department (with many edits). I am beginning to think again. I know that sounds weird and if I've already written this, I'm sorry you have to hear it again, but I feel like I put my brain on hold for a long time and it's amazing to me that I did it. Now that it's opening up, it's craving reading material. I am reading (bigben, you should get your book back real soon... well, I should be done soon, I don't know how soon we will be up there) more, writing more, having more ideas. The other day, I had other people in my head again, carrying on conversations, almost like I used to have all the time, but these people were too far away for me to hear them and write it down. I am also getting alot of information, learning the things that interest me, trying to keep up with the trends of these interests. The funny thing is I thought of my interests and wrote them down, and when I asked my husband what he thought my interests were, he doubled my list because I just hadn't considered some things I do all the time as true interests. Like food. I love food, finding new recipes, cooking, etc., but I never considered it a write-able interest because I think of it as something I do for us. I want to try different things to increase my skill as a cook, not write about it. But I can write about it, I discovered. It's just things like this that I've always loved and now I get to look at it in a different way.

I'm still getting published in the 11th Hour and Macon Food. I'm writing in MF for Joshua Cup. I'd like to do more promotional writing, maybe write profiles for bands, something like that. I definitely want to write television show reviews, heck, a television show period. I need to find a director who not only loves my writing, but is willing to work with me on any project that I come up with. Of course, this would mean woring extremely hard for no money, so that's why the director has to want it too. I can find the actors, I can find other writers, I can find places to film, I can even find places to show it and if it is well received, even some funding.

Ah well, this day goes well. I've been going to sleep at 6am, which doesn't bode well for getting up at 9am or 10am... or on Wednesdays, 8:30am. I wish I could go to sleep earlier and get up earlier. I still have so much work to do, but most of the day is gone before I get up and then my television viewing and reviewing time comes and that's it until tomorrow. Watching 2-5 shows a night (and writing about them) is alot of work. But it's exciting to me, and when I get comments from people where conversations are sparked, or people just love what I've written, it's awesome for me. Anyway, that's it for today. See you tomorrow!

Happy Anniversary

2006-09-08T00:34:00.000-04:00

Star Trek is 40.

Oprah is 20... the show, not the woman. So is Aliens (the movie, not the beings)

I,and Charlie's Angels (again, the television show, not the women, no matter what they wanted us to think at the Emmys), am 30.

To many round numbers.

It's crazy when the things you loved age you. I remember watching Oprah as a youngster. It didn't seem so long ago, a few seasons, but suddenly it's 20 years that she's being doing this. And what have I been doing? Following a dream, long deferred by time or my stubborn indifference. Time is not a shallow river, or slow moving, but swift and dangerous. Will I be safe in the transport I've chosen, or will it be dashed against the rocks, spilling me and all my efforts unmercifully into the rapids? But I'll be alright. I've chosen this course when I could have stayed on the ground. I picked this option when it was put before me. I'll accept the consequences be it journey's end or a bruising soak. There will be no drowning. I've got my life vest and enough sense to hold my breath if I go under.

Where Are Your Shoes?

2006-08-23T17:16:00.000-04:00

Every day, I get emails from a group I'm a part of that helps me keep some priorities straight. When I am writing/online looking things up, I tend to think of nothing else and suddenly, it's 8pm or 10 o'clock and time to eat/watch tv/make the bed. I don't clean, or straighten like I should. So this site reminds me that I want to do these things and if they're not already done, I do them.

One of the reminders is for me to put on my shoes. The idea is that if you have on your shoes, you are more professional in your conversation, you are ready to leave at a moment's notice, you are prepared for the day.

I am not a shoe person. I wear flip-flops during the summer. Almost exclusively. If I have to walk around downtown, then I wear sneakers, but I absolutely hate doing so. There is no way I'm going to be sitting at home in shoes when my feet can be free. I felt bad for a while because the site has helped so much in other areas. My home is cleaner, I don't feel so overwhelmed when it comes to housework, and I am able to do what needs to be done and concentrate on my work when my housework is done. And even though my home is by no means spotless, my daily housework gets done. So, maybe I should put on the shoes so that my professionalism would know no bounds. Today, I realized something.

I don't need shoes to be more professional, to be ready to go. I can easily walk outside with no shoes on and feel fine, no shame in it. So what have I always used to signify that I am working? What do I do at the end of the day that is my signal that my work is done, I can relax? It has be taking off my bra.

Now, I hate bras almost as much as I hate shoes, but since the unfortunate growing incident of 2003, I have had to wear bras. Where once I didn't, now I do. So I have decided I am in professional mode when I get up and, along with all my other activities, I put on a bra before I start my day at the computer. When it it time to watch tv when my day is done, it's off with the bra. And really, it is my biggest reminder that I am working. When I worked outside of the home, being home was bra-less time. Not so much anymore. So when they ask where my shoes are for the day, I will make sure I have on my bra before I start making up people who live in a universe only I create.

Spam

2006-08-23T03:24:00.000-04:00

I hate getting spam, but if you're going to send it to me, at least spell erexxxion correctly!

Wikipedia Laugh of the Day

2006-08-18T01:22:00.000-04:00

I went to Wikipedia to look up the movie Frequency. When I got to the end, I found this gem:

A similar plot was used in the TV soap opera Port Charles in 2001, with Frank Scanlon (Jay Pickett) using a 1973 computer to warn a girl named "Cookie" not to sleep with Scott Baldwin (Kin Shriner) after a high school dance, but this prevents the birth of his present-day girlfriend, Dr. Karen Wexler (Marie Wilson). In typical soap opera fashion, however, the plot gets more convoluted, with the now-never-existing Karen being the only possible bone-marrow donor for her dying mother, and Frank seeks out a voodoo priest to send him back in time to keep Cookie from using the computer to talk to him in the future.

What? A real storyline for a soap opera? For serious?

Published Writer

2006-08-08T04:11:00.000-04:00

That's me. Some of you may have missed my story on the Dempsey Hotel in the 11th Hour. That's okay. There's http://www.11thhouronline.com for you to go to so if I were to have other stories, especially feature stories, you could read it there. I think they just disable the stories when that two weeks is up. Sorry I didn't tell you guys about it (the both of you). I also have an advert piece in Macon Food for the coffee shop I used to work for.

Now that I'm published, pray that I begin to get paid for it! Or don't.

As ifner it was a Sprite

2006-07-29T16:36:00.000-04:00

For some strange reason, I've always thought Ginger Ale was some generic, hybrid off shoot of the carbonated lemon-lime beverage, like Sprite or Sierra Mist - or maybe a weird mixture with 7up. I don't know how I came to this opinion, but the other day, I was proven dramatically wrong. Dramatically, because what was common knowledge to everyone else was about to kick me in the teeth. I poured myself a glass of Ginger Ale and proceeded to gulp it down like I would have it was Sprite. That Ginger Ale basically tried to kick my butt on the way down my throat. It was so strongly carbonated, so intense, I almost shouted and cried from the strength of it. The Honey, standing, watching me (probably laughing at my faces) was there as further proof when I said, "I didn't know it was that strong." "What'd you think it was like?" he asked. "Sprite," I said. He walked away, laughing and shaking his head. Now, two weeks later, I am able to enjoy my Ginger Ale on the same level as Sprite. While it has definitely weakened, it still has enough fizz to make me believe it's all good.

Good Lord!

2006-07-26T15:46:00.000-04:00

Someone's getting serious about drinking and driving. Check out these new ads.

Courtesy of Kevin

Abstinence Education

2006-07-18T23:04:00.000-04:00

I teach abstinence education, which is hard, not only because the kids I talk to don't really believe in it, but most of the adults don't either. The adults usually give me this look, like I'm too idealistic. They tell me that kids can't/won't control themselves, so it is our responsibility to teach them how to be safer. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one being realistic. I look at the things that are happening to people who start on this path and it makes me sad that other people aren't themselves educated. And if they do know the risks, it makes me sad that it's more than education that people need to protect themselves.

I always feel this white hot ball of anger rise up when people tell me that youth can't choose to be abstinent. I know that in the neighborhoods where I teach/speak, kids choosing abstinence is on the low side. People talk about education being the way out of the rise in STDs and teen pregnancy, yet the same people are continually recreating dangerous behaviour. They need more than education. They need role models. They need someone who will show them that its possible to go another route.

But it's more than a "someone shows up in your neighborhood" kind of thing. It's something that involves everyone. From artists who have a much larger influence on the population than they could imagine to the speakers who spend an hour of their lives once with 500 people, there needs to be some sort of recognition of the state of youth, why they believe they are safe and what happens once they realize they're not.

All of that to say that whenever I teach teenagers I have a hell of a time getting through to them and when I do, it's so rewarding. I had to teach a group of teens the other day, only the boys this time and I dreaded it. When tall the kids are together, they cannot be handled with kid gloves. Sometimes voice raising comes in handy. Well, this time, it's me in the room with a bunch of boys who are more than happy to talk about sex. I easily have their attention as I ask questions and they give the correct answer, although we venture into other areas, because the program I work with focuses on the things you want to do instead of sex. I'm not talking about taking a cold shower, I'm talking about the future goals you have so that sex is the last thought on your mind because you want to get your degree or a house or just your own car before you have to think about providing for a baby. We also teach those "safety" measure that somehow always find at least one chance to fail because they are not 100% effective; yes, they hear about them. We don't discriminate. We want to reduce and/or stop the ravages of disease. ARrrrrgh... digression.

Anyway, we get off topic and start talking about video games. One kid says, "Mrs. This Girl, you don' t look like the type to play video games." I'm not. He is absolutely correct. They all laughed when I described myself as a nerd. They didn't believe it because now i'm a babe, but I told them about my problems with the Sunshine world on Gamecube and this digression must have been God sent because they opened up to me in a way I'd never had a group of teen guys do. Now, I realize that without girls to try to impress, I got them alot more down to earth than they would ever be with girls present, but it was nice and refreshing. And when, at the end of the class, one of the guys was talking to me and *listening* to what I was saying, his face earnest, I felt more rewarded than I'd ever felt in this job.

This reminds me of my wedding pictures...

2006-06-28T17:54:00.000-04:00

from A Socialite's Life

When we got our wedding pictures, I remember looking through them and wondering how in the world my husband could look so perfect while I looked like I was trying to regurgitate a cat. This heartens me. Apparently, being good looking doesn't make you any more camera ready than the rest of us. Unless you're Gabriel Aubry... or The Honey.

P.S. My husband, he looks better than this man.

P.P.S. Click on link to see a bigger picture.

Blogged with Flock

Summer's Here

2006-06-12T23:14:00.000-04:00

It's hot as hell. I find myself wondering if it has always been this hot here. I know it has, yet I wonder why I block it, like some dark secret from my past. Somehow, I find myself in the heat and I feel like I'm there more than I've ever been. I try to think back to times when I was actually doing things in this heat, swimming or tennis with humidity so high, every adult is on stroke watch. I remember those time, but I can't feel those times.

We had another couple visit us this weekend. I thought grilling out would be the easiest thing. A few hotdogs, brats, hamburgers, enjoying the lake, that would be awesome. Of course, it would have been more awesome if we had done it two months ago instead of this past Saturday. Not only was it extremely hot (I heard 99 degrees, but my stars it had to be hotter than that), I was out in the heat all day. The best part was the conflagration that was my grill. Add the heat of the day and I think I tanned a shade darker in 10 minutes, right when my charcoal briquets started to get that nice ash around them. Yet my first, big girl "all by myself" grilling experience went well. I want my own grill so that I can sit in the air conditioning while food is grilling, but enjoy the lake view if I want, because no matter what anyone says, sweat is sweat, whether we southern girls also "glisten" or not.

Long Time Coming

2006-06-04T03:00:00.000-04:00

I love my new toenail polish. I notice my feet and I remember how much I like them. I like my feet. They have been the one thing about my body that I've consistently liked. It feels good to have something other than pink sparkle on my toes. I'm concentrating on my toes, looking at them so long, they almost become alien. Two friends of mine are having babies soon. One of them already has a two year old son, who is beautiful and smart. The other friend got married six months after I did. She's due in six months. I haven't felt this close and this far from grown up, ever. All of my friends are married. They're having kids and becoming entirely different people. Change has to happen, and it's interesting to see what is changing. One of my friends, J., said that I'd lost my edge. I didn't agree with him initially because I felt the same. It wasn't until later that I realized I had lost a bit of my edge simply because I didn't need it to protect me anymore. I'd finally met someone who was doing it all for me. I didn't ever realize I'd stop protecting myself, that I'd subconsciously given my husband permission to do so, and that I could let him do it without worrying that he wouldn't do a good job.

Marriage isn't the only thing that causes change. Time. Age. Sensibility. Even if you don't change as a result of new things in your own life, you are forced to change because of the people around you. My friends no longer had me all to themselves. My mom was no longer the strongest voice in my life. They had to adapt. So what's the biggest change you've had to make? What's the biggest change someone has made because of you? What was the biggest influence for change in your life?

When I look at my feet, I'm glad I still like them. My body is changing because I'm getting older, my metabolism is slowing down and my sedentary lifestyle and mediocre eating habits are getting the better of the rest of my body. I am trying to honor my body and live a good, long life (I still intend to enjoy it) by exercising and changing my diet. But my feet are still pretty. The green polish is radiant on my toes. They are pretty and I'm glad that hasn't changed.

Writers Write

2006-05-29T17:01:00.000-04:00

Writing is such a big deal and I feel, everyday, as if I am falling flat on my face. Despite not having to work, I still feel like I don't have enough time to do all the things that I should be doing to be a successful writer. I don't read like I should, I watch more tv than anybody I know personally. Though I would like to write television shows, I hated living in California. So right now, the best I can hope for when it comes to television writing is a bunch of people who want so badly to write, direct and produce a television show that they are willing to do it for no pay with their own money. It is an expensive and time consuming endeavor. I would do it in a heartbeat.

The problem, mainly, is that I don't know which direction I want to go in. Writing articles is the way most writers go because it's instant gratification... well, instant as in you get paid per article, you don't necessarily have to have an agent, you can track down the work yourself, etc. Writing books requires an enormous investment of time, and may or may not be successful. It is harder to find an agent, a market, etc. Yet while finding a direction is a problem, my second problem is wanting to see the way RightNow. It is disconcerting to be in a place where the possible results of my work aren't even conceivable. I do not know where I am going. I have no idea what my goal is. When I worked at the milk and cookie shop, I knew that I wanted to manage it, so all of my thoughts, work, everything went to making that goal a reality. What is my new forward momentum now? What is my new direction?

I tell people I want to be a writer. They say, what do you write. I don't know where to begin. I dabble in short stories (I've been writing short stories since I was 13. Before that I wrote poetry.) and have a wonderful opportunity to work on article writing, but I let my writing muscles atrophy because I let myself believe what countless people told me growing up. Don't be a writer, be a teacher. I tried that route, but was not satisfied in it, although I love to teach and my ultimate goal involves teaching and writing. No, what was not satisfying was that I felt I should stifle my writing urges because I knew, otherwise, they would take over. It is not a pretty thing to give in to the voices in your head. I told my husband once that I would have stories going on in there all the time, characters talking, actions being acted out, for good or evil. I worked hard to stop it and one day the stories stopped. I regret that now.

I don't know how to turn it back on, to reach into the recesses for the people who lived there, whose lives were entertaining, where things happened so quickly I couldn't write it down. It was an ongoing story line. My dreams are even wimping out on me, not providing the fodder for writing they once did. As I look back through old notebooks of old stories, I cringe, but I long for the time when I wrote what I saw, good or bad, and was able to craft them into the stories that made my family believe in me even when there was no other evidence to support that belief.

So I will follow the mantra that many writers follow: Writers write. There is nothing else to do. There is no other course. And with the writing must come the patience to let myself develop from this ugly writing duckling into a beautiful author swan.

Obsessions

2006-05-26T03:59:00.000-04:00

I have had various obsessions over the years. They usually involve some sort of cheese product (cheetos, chees-ums, cheese) or chocolate (peanut butter m&ms, regular m&ms, chocolate). I had a strange obsessions with Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds that was almost possessive. I would always have at least two boxes in the house. Anyway, the real reason you're here: My current obsessions.

Right now, I would really like a shiny new MacBook. I have been looking forward to this since before MacWorld in January. I've been wanting a new laptop and thought about getting an iBook. After they got rid of the eMacs and came out with the new iMacs, my husband realized they were probably going to upgrade the iBook, so I waited... and waited... and waited. I got up early on that Tuesday, waiting to hear Steve Jobs announce the new iBook. What he introduced was the MacBook Pro and while I would have loved to get one of those, I didn't need (nor could I afford) a professional strength laptop. No, I wanted the less expensive, consumer model. I was so disappointed. I'm not sure If I'd ever been so disappointed by electronics. Every whisper of an Apple Event made me long for the new iBook. Then, quietly, Apple slides the new iBook, all shiny and white (and black if you'd like) onto their website without any fanfare and again, I'm brought to tears, but the happy kind. So, we are going to a wedding this weekend and on the way back, we will stop at the Apple Store and I will get to tap my fingers across the very beautiful, simple keyboard and ask my silly, technewb questions and nerd out about the writing software I can get for it and maybe, if the sun is shining, I will get a new MacBook and if the sun isn't, then I will get it in a few months when it is much more reasonable. But obsessions aren't reasonable and I'm sorry, honey, for always talking about it.

So, your turn. And if you're scared that your obsession is closer to my cheese obsession than to my MacBook obsession, then here's my other obsession. Magic Shell. Especially Reese's Magic Shell. Even though there is no peanut butter in the recipe, nor does it warn against peanut allergies, so, scary. But it's so good and slightly addictive. As we all know. Now share. Thanks!

Last Meal

2006-05-15T15:50:00.000-04:00

I have an affinity to Asian foods. The sauces, the noodles. I love Japanese foods, spicy Thai foods. I tried crab rangoon once and now my judgement of a restaurant rests on their crab rangoon. I adore Italian food. It is the ultimate in guilty pleasure. Pasta, cheese, cheese, meats, sauces. Italian food is my comfort food, food I nominated most likely to make me smile on a rainy night. Of course, there's nothing like hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill, traditional southern food, fried chicken, collard greens, mashed potatoes, sweet tea, sweet potato pie, barbecued pork...

I love food, from great to small. It would be hard for me to choose my last meal, the last meal I would ever have to taste, the last thing that I have in my memory, from my memories of the life I've lived. The last meal started as kind of a karmic/superstitious attempt by the law enforcement group to have a clear conscience in putting a criminal to death. It was a time of celebration because the prisoner's acceptance of the food said he forgave them for what they were about to do. It was the prisoner's last chance to be with family, to experience the life they threw away.

My choice of food would have alot to do with the life I've lived, starting from when I was little until now. Foods that I've eaten at important times of my life, foods that have garnered praise for me. For me, this will take alot of thought. What about you? What would you last meal be, or include?