Learning In Marriage

1. The right person will come along and you will know it when it happens. When I met my husband, it was as if everything was aligned to make sure we would not miss out on the chance to be together. I was about to move to California. I was not interested in having a long distance relationship. I thought I only had a crush on him. I was going to say goodbye and never talk to him again. But something wouldn't let me leave without telling him how I felt and I ended up having a long distance relationship. When I moved back, he asked me to marry him and I've been happy every since. Not fairy tale happy, but happy because I am with the person I know I'm supposed to be with. "Good for you", you might think, hating your single existence. I say this to the single, because now I understand. If you are single, enjoy it. If you believe in God and trust Him for yourself, you can trust Him to treat you right. He will not only let you know, but He will make sure that you don't miss out. If you do not believe in God or trust Him for yourself, I have no true words of consolations. I can only implore you to wait patiently. Do not be hasty in anything.

2. No one issue should be the main focus in your marriage. If sex, or cleaning, or anything becomes a source of contention, that thing has too big of a place in your relationship. Marriage is a mix of things. It's two people becoming one. It's taking all of the good and the crap from the accumulated years and pushing them so that they form the basis of one relationship. We all know that we carry everything that has, or has not, happened to us into our relationships. But we don't know how to make them all work together. We hear words like compromise and know it is right, but we want to win. And that is where the problems start. Compare the issue that is causing problems to the ones that aren't and if it looks much bigger, reduce it. Stop trying to win, or be the one that is right and the problem will grow smaller. It will take some introspection, but if we will stop trying to be our own person when we are half of a whole, we will find much peace and comfort in this. And by no means do I suggest that you lose your identity in marriage. Your identity if solidified in marriage. You just have to stop fighting the other half of yourself.

3. The man is not the only person who should be romantic. I have detested Valentine's Day for nearly 20 years. Most people think that it should excite me now that I'm married, but it hasn't. The only problem is that my 6 month anniversary fell on Valentine's day... so our half a year celebration, when done correctly, should be done on Valentine's Day. As I was planning the things that we would do this year, I kept thinking that I would get my husband to give me a massage for Valentine's Day. That was my plan the entire day. As it got closer to the time my husband was to come home from work, I remembered one of my objections to V-Day. It is that so much is expected of men on this particular day, if they don't meet it, they are not romantic, loving, or any of those things they really are. I chose to pamper him and it was the biggest surprise for both of us. He wasn't expecting it at all, and I wasn't expecting how pleased it would make him. I remembered when he gave me flowers out of nowhere, how surprising it was, how loved it made me feel and I realized that he could feel the same way. I'd never thought of my being romantic as a way to his heart or as a way to make him feel the way he makes me feel.

4. Don't sweat the small stuff. Really, don't.
5. Truthfully communicate. Before we got married, my husband said he would have no expectations of me. I said the same. However, I lied, but he didn't. If he wants me to do something, he asks. If I do something, I expect him to see it, understand what that means, then react towards me accordingly. The problem is, I think he is doing the same thing. We ended up having to talk about this because it was causing major problems for me, and major headache for him. If I'd just told him the truth, or if I had just talked to him the first time he didn't meet an expectation, some of the problems or headaches would have been avoided.

I wish I could say to you that these are the things I've gotten down. I relearn these things every day. What I do know is that when I do any of them, I find alot more peace than when I didn't do them.