The God I Believed In

In the world of Christianity, especially the small world of Bible Belt southern Christians, there are two worlds. Churched and Unchurched. Now, people will tell you that Unchurched people can be "saved" that ever ambiguous term that Christianity clings to with all its soul, but most will agree that it is highly impossible for someone to be "saved" and not going to Church.

For the first year of my Christian life, I was Unchurched. I was in college, making friends, partying, going to classes, the normal thing, but there was a difference. I made friends easier, I was nice, I truly enjoyed being around people and they truly enjoyed being around me. I started helping out at our Catholic ministry on campus (all protestant services were off campus) with my roommate, I loved the people I met, the Catholic priest that ran the ministry was very unorthodox to say the least and he welcomed me as well. In a sense, it was very like the thing you would think God wants from us, to get along with everyone, to really enjoy being with people, anyone from classmates and roommates to the homeless people we ministered to. I don't know how many times I got asked out by homeless people because I was as open in talking to them as I was to my friends. When I left school that year (financial and personal home crisis abounding) I came home a depressed woman. I missed the freedom and ease of being there. I was going to church but getting nothing because my goal was no longer just gathering information. I wanted to be impactful.

I wanted people to feel at ease around me. I wanted people to not feel judged. That first part of my salvation was a breath of fresh air from God, the part that made me love being a Christian because I could be there for anyone and I didn't judge anything. I didn't know how. I didn't have those tools in my Christian arsenal.

We decided to leave the church we were going to, which I was glad of and started going to another church. This church was so welcoming and they were different. The pastor didn't scream and yell, he had insight into the Bible and went deeper than face value. He taught us how to read the Bible. He told us he wanted us to be able to discern truth from fiction. These were learned men teaching us "the Word". I had a few disagreements (I have never been anti-gay, although I did learn Church speak so that my fellow parishioners wouldn't realize that and, eventually, couldn't separate what I should believe as a Christian from what I actually believed).

Somewhere in there, while I was trying to learn, I became Churched. It was more than showing up on Sundays and Wednesdays, teaching a class, being there, basically, whenever the doors opened. Yes, I went to church. But I became Churched. I learned how to hate while saying that I was doing something in love. I learned how to judge others, the standard being me and my understanding of God's word (which, also, was in accord with the rest of what my church believed). I learned how to use the Bible against people. I learned how to use the Bible to help me. I was discerning and I used that against people, getting my way because I was learning the tricks of the trade. Being a Christian could be powerful.

There were still a few things in there, things I learned outside of my church. My church taught me that just because someone didn't believe what I believed didn't mean they weren't Christians. This stayed with me and made me much more tolerable to others than I should have been. I believed God could interact with me personally (my church believed God only spoke through the Bible) and my prayers, although I see it now as being a bit self focused, my prayers were answered. I will say always answered because I do not remember any prayer that was worth something going unanswered. In my life, I have gotten everything I've prayed for. I have been sustained financially even though I'm bad with finances. My health is good, I am in love with my husband and he is smarter than me (in many ways) and funny. I don't hate my dad anymore and I have love and patience in my heart for my mom and the rest of my family.

But I was very judgemental. As I look back now, I didn't even realize how easy it was to appear humble even as I made myself the standard. I worked hard to be this way or that way, according to God's Word (the Bible) and God's standard. You should too. You either did things the way I thought they should be done, or it was "on you" when you had to suffer the consequences of your own bad decision making. I would tell people who they should or shouldn't be with, I would tell people what they should or shouldn't do. I even told people what God would or wouldn' t do. I would make sweeping proclamations against anyone and anything that tried to step on the God I believed in.

I promise you, that God was very different from the God I started out with.