Church

I miss communion. You know, the grape juice and stale cracker that symbolizes the blood and flesh of Christ. I don't know why I miss it, I'm not even sure of all the symbolism of it. I just know that I feel somehow bereft. I was commenting on Josh Fuller's site (link on side) about church dreams and as I was commenting, I thought about communion and felt a deep longing, like a hunger pang, for communion.

I'm sure it's more than the juice and cracker. It's discourse, study, relationship, ministry that I miss. It's communion with other believers that's not on the job, that's not in an interdenominational study where the ties are only to the materials and not the people (just yet, anyway). BSF will get better, I know. We are studying Genesis, beginnings and many of us are at beginning points. After the first fellowship, when we've gotten to know each other better, we will begin to form attachments, maybe even lasting relationships. But it's not church. We are not guaranteed each other next year. I miss the women from my class last year and I think that the other women feel the same. The one person I talk to is the one person who was in the same class with me. I still sit in the front row during lecture and talk to my favourite person for the last three years in BSF. BJ is an older woman that took on those initials in her latter years. She's so full of life and so caring. I want a church full of her is what I want. I want to be like her to others. I'm not. I am wrapped up in my own little world, in trying to be a different person, in trying to heal myself internally. Self absorbed. I should be more understanding that others are also wrapped up in their own internal healing. There are people who try to reach out to me that I don't accept. It's my fault, not theirs. Like Mr. Fuller said, I'm just rigid in other ways about other things. Maybe one day I can find a place that's rigid in the same way and maybe we won't clash as much.

I do miss taking communion though.