Gears of War Can Eat Baloney; I Love Viva Pinata

I'm not a gamer. You would never mistake me for one.

Yet the other day, I beat the 200 lines version of Tetris on DS Lite. Granted, when I first started playing, I couldn't get past level 4 even if I had help with the first 20 lines. Yet one day, I was flowing, the block were falling, my mind, not my fingers were moving them and suddenly, they were no longer falling and words were scrolling and I realized that I had won.

So I got bolder.

I played Elebits for the Wii. Elebits is a game where you are basically catching little critters that make electrical things work. You capture a certain wattage to win a level. They put up obstacles, like you can only break a few things or you can't make much noise. They also put a critter in that you couldn't capture AND that could attack you and reduce your strength.

Not cool. But completely so at the same time.

I like the Wii because you feel like you are a part of the game. I was playing a boss level, which I haven't beaten yet, and I was moving all over the room while trying to dodge big balls of energy like it was truly going to come out of the screen. I like the Wii.

Then my husband gets the XBox360. It is an amazing bit of machinery and the type of game that is just what I have always avoided when it comes to video games. Lots of buttons and complicated controlling.

But I beat Tetris. Doesn't this mean I should step outside my comfort zone? So I decide, I will play Gears of War with my husband. I'll just learn the controls.

Just. What a crazy word that is. Just. It makes everything seem easy. Just. Learn. The. Controls.

I think I would sooner learn to be a Cirque du Soleil performer than try to get the hang of Gears of War controls. I think I would rather relish the nutritional benefits of eating dirt than learn the Gears of War controls. I think I would rather play nice with a constrictor around my throat than get the hang of Gears of War controls. (you see if a constrictor is around your throat they can feel your heartbeat and will do the constricting part of their name...)

Wuss, you say? Yes. That's me.

Let me explain what playing Gears of War was like for me. Imagine, the world spinning out of control, as if you were drunk. Random shooting at nothing in particular, although the floor seems to merit special interest. The character is moving in the direction he's not looking and when those monster thingies burst through the door on your very first challenge, the character is ducked behind the door to periodically pop up and shoot the floor or the door jamb before being mercilessly ripped apart a scant 2 seconds later.

And repeat.

I was so horrible at it my husband, who was excited at the mere thought of his wife becoming a gamer with him, was scrunched back in the cushions of the couch trying his hardest to be encouraging while being thoroughly befuddled that this deja vu moment was happening for the 15th time.

Oh, I'd be in different spots, but would somehow manage to hit the floor and door jambs perfectly and miss the monster thingies completely, then be taken apart like steak to ravening wolves.

I was able to admire the many varied bloody patches my previous deaths left on the floor.

Honestly, I never made it past that first door. The first challenge of the game left me stumped.

My husband let that one go.

I did enjoy Crackdown, however. My character is Coward Cop, because all I like to do is run around collecting the orbs that let you jump higher and kick the hell out of things. When there is a lot of shooting, I run away. The only time I went ballistic is the time I was at the funhouse circus place and they kept shooting at me. It was annoying. So I shot everyone, collected all the orbs and immediately ran away.

My husband made up a song especially for Coward Cop.

My favourite video game right now is Viva Pinata. I love the game so much, I DVRed the Saturday morning cartoon. It sucked, although I loved the fizzlybear's surfer voice. In the short time we've had the 360, I've played that game to death. It is relaxing, except when the Sours come in and wreck your garden and make the other pinatas sick. I remember the first time I played, I didn't want to kill any pinatas. Now, less than a week later, I whack evil pinatas with relish. I think I just made it to level 40 gardener and found the Dragonache egg.

Gibberish? Yes. Fun? Heck yes!

Now, we have a new game in the arsenal. Guitar Hero 2. Guitar Hero 2 was the main reason my husband wanted the XBox360. He's been playing for 3 hours straight. I hear they are going to put out a Band version as well. My husband suggested I be the singer.

Hah!

Tomorrow, I will play Guitar Hero 2 in the comfort and privacy of my own home while my husband is at work, just so he doesn't hear my mistakes.

Expect nothing less than a Gear of War style debacle as my hands once again refuse to follow what my eyes see. And if I somehow make the Guitar Hero 2 universe reel drunkenly before band members get slaughtered by monster thingies coming out of the ground, I will definitely capture that screen for you.