When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.

Kurt Vonnegut wrote that. That's how I feel all the time. Except my crayon is a nub and I need to remove the paper. Frustrating. I know that I've been paid to write and I keep getting assignments, but I feel more like a fraud than I ever have. As I get closer and closer to my goals, I feel as if I am still so far away. Each success begs to be duplicated and brings its own very different fears. I am overwhelmed. I want to quit everything, just stop it, but the thought of doing that is so gut wrenching, and when I actually sit down to put word to page (or type to screen), I am at home. I don't know why this has to be such a combative process, but then, as Will Smith playing Chris Gardner says, it is the pursuit of happiness. I don't want to work this hard, yet when I do it, I love it. Ah well, let me take this crayon and pretend that my work is not a giant cerulean scribble on the screen of life.

A Different Light

I have been thinking on the subject of friendship a lot lately. I called a person who was once a really good friend and we struggled through our less than 10 minute conversation as if we were strangers. While I still have friends from college and when I moved back home many years ago, the friendships I thought would be the longest lasting have all but dissipated. My husband still has his friends from high school. While they've struggled with continuing to find time for each other in the mess of life, they still do, they still enjoy each others company. With the exception of one friend here, my other good friends live in Atlanta and Miami. While Atlanta is not that far away, in many ways it is a lifetime away. With hectic lives on both sides, making arrangements to hang out doesn't happen as often as we'd like.

So what happens to make relationships disintegrate? How can you be each other's best friends and confidantes one day and the next not even really know the person? I'm prone to think it's a woman thing, because my husband and my guy friends are my only friends. My husbands friends are slowly warming up to me and me to them, but every female friend I have ever claimed as a "best" friend, barring my friend in Miami, has left me in the dust. I am not bitter about this fact, just incredulous, wondering what I do to cause it, if it is my fault, if I am just a poor chooser of friends. I would like to put the blame on myself in some cases. I am the common denominator. But in other cases, even as I claimed friend status, I watched her make and discard friends like tissue paper, and one day, my turn was up. It is hard for me to turn off the "caring for a friend" mode that I've gotten into when friends leave me, but I could stand to see this in a different light.

In other news, babies are being born and are about to be born. Expect presents sometimes before they turn 2.

Scrybe Says: I Will Save Your Life

Something that could break the Google Dynasty? We'll see.

Google Rules My Life

When I got to the coffee shop today, I immediately opened four applications. Gmail, Google Docs and Spreadsheets, Google Calendar and Google Reader. I looked at my tabs and realized that everything that starts my day was managed by Google. So I immediately went to Blogger, owned by Google, to tell y'all. So, anybody else have applications that completely rule their lives - or at least that they don't get through the day without?

It's Almost Official

As of this Thursday, I may become a paid writer. I hope it happens. If not, I may be crying in my milk later. But don't you dare worry about me. I'll be fine.

UPDATE: It's now official. I am a paid writer. Yay!

"The N-Word"

So, what words can we use to talk about the N-word without using the phrase "the N-word"? That's the question Washington Post is asking for their writing style sheet.

an excerpt from the Post:
Podesta wrote that it would be better for Post reporters to "take a few more words and say something like 'a well-known racial epithet.'"

In a telephone interview Monday afternoon, Podesta said the issue came up first as an aside during a conversation with an African American colleague.

"She said, 'You know, I'm really sick of this term, it's really trivializing and childish ... and we should find something more adult" when referencing the word, Podesta said.

Other African American journalists told Podesta they found the word "annoying," a few suggested simply running the word, at least on first reference.

"The word is so freighted with meaning, it's like, wink-wink, we're saying the word, and we're not saying it," Podesta said.

Last June the black-owned and -oriented Chicago Defender stirred some controversy with a story about the African American community's view of the word that carried the word in a front-page headline.

"Black America, isn't it about time we made up our mind about the word nigger?" the headline read.

"If we (at the Defender) can't raise the issue, then who can?" the paper's executive editor, Roland Martin, said at the time.

At the Post, Podesta's memo also urged staffers to "be careful about" other terms, including "anti-immigrant," and "jihad" and "jihadist."

So what do you guys think? Should the word just be out there with an overall apology that encompasses any writing that comes out from now on that no one is being called a name, should be come up with other terms, is "the N-word" sufficient and people should just get over themselves? I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say. I'm not sure what I think. I can't stand to hear or see nigger in print, although it loses its sting when discussed academically. "The N-word" is kind of annoying, but not as annoying as the Washington's Post's suggested euphemism, "a well-known racial epithet". Is there a better course that can be used for the present or are we just stuck where we are?

Dough

Since we've moved to our new apartment, I've been afraid to bake. I love baking, but my oven temperature has been unreliable. I discovered, after I'd tried and failed at making a standard cake, a cake I've made so many times that I could do it with my eyes closed, that my oven cooked too hot. I've been working, over the last few months, to figure out how to get it just right. So I'm trying my hand at the cake again (3rd time).

What prompted me to write, though, is how much I like uncooked dough. I made cookies last weekend and they came out okay, which was the first time for them. I ate more dough than I baked, I think. So I've been eating cake dough as I wait to see if this one will do well. It's really good. I might only have a smaller cake if I eat the second half before the first half cooks. I love cake! I love dough!

Oh No!

I am in a state of numb shock. In the course of moving from windows to mac, I forgot that I had to get a few things. I couldn't read my files because I didn't have Office on my Mac, so I had to get it. Well, while in pursuit of a word processor, my external hard drive decided to give out on me. I found out later that there was some big technical problem where, although the hard drive normally runs something that supports Windows, OS X, and Linux, at some point my hard drive tried to re-format because of some file sharing something or other, which made it incompatible with my new computer, and I had to re format that hard drive. At first, I just thought a bunch of video that I'd stored on there was gone, but then I realized, with some horror, that all of my writing was also on there. All gone. I felt stupid, shamed, lazy... I could have prevented it all my emailing everything to myself so that my writing would be stored outside of my own hard drives. I could have just pulled all the files onto my new computer just in case something happened to my hard drive -which I would have done if I'd ever thought something would happen to my hard drive. Now, the prospect of writing seems so pointless. How could I let this happen? I don't think I could have been as big an idiot if I'd tried. I'm trying to calm myself by thinking that starting from scratch can do nothing but help, but I had actually outlined a show I wanted to write. I had been working hard on writing short stories, essays... it just really sucks right now, but I couldn't go to sleep until I got it off my chest. Okay, Good night.

Meet my new PowerBook, Mac

I am typing to you from my brand new PowerBook. Yes! I have it! It is in my possession, running my programs, doing just about everything I did before. I love it. It feels so neat to type on it. The key touch is softer, making typing a bit easier. It is smaller, so it's cute. And it loads programs faster than my Dell did. My husband has been looking out for me because when he found this deal, he snatched it up. Anyway, of course I'm finding it a little bit confusing working with a new operating system, but Mac is so nice, he pretty much leads me to everything and anything I don't know, my husband tells me. This has been fun, so far, discovering everything it will do, learning that I've installed a program incorrectly, being able to cheer myself on when I figure something out (go me!)... I'm just having alot of fun right now. Anyway, it is well past time to go to bed. Enjoy your day, everyone.

Okay, We Get It Superdome

As a city that accepted refugees from Katrina, I understand. Finally, the Superdome is able to host the New Orlean Saints and what a celebration you had. U2 and Green Day? Municipal workers on the field? You were finally home and no one on the earth could combat that kind of energy and, in a way, no one would want to. So why did it have to be us? Why did we have to play you in this game? I hate that the Falcons lost, but I'm glad that the Saints get their reopening victory.

What did I do today?

Slept. I took a sleeping pill because I've been having a spot of insomnia. I took it at around 4am. I slept until about 4pm. That was the whole day. I didn't write. I didn't read anything... well, I did a couple of pages of Heart of Darkness. Then we went to Ruby Tuesdays to eat with a couple of friends. One friend just got back from a mission trip. Then we went to the Douglass Theatre to hear Jeff Lang. If you get a chance to hear him play, you should. If you love live music and want to hear a guitar genius/master/virtuoso, you have to hear him play. He's from Australia and he was funny. It was funny watching my husband and his friend listening to him. They're both musicians and they were blown away. His second song in, they both were sat completely back in their chairs, arms pushed straight out with hands on their knees, with equal looks of incredulity. Then they started giggling like little boys. This part lasted a good three songs. It was almost more entertaining for me to watch them (and the rest of the audience) than listening to the music. But the music was awesome. By the way, the Ruby Tuesdays in the mall is going downhill. I remember a time when I used to look forward to going there, getting the black bean and chicken penne pasta dish, salad bar, which was the lord of all salad bars, and just sitting back and enjoying the ambience. Don't get me wrong, it's still a chain, but it was a pretty good one. But tonight, I tasted the worst burger I've ever tasted, the one with the different kinds of good beef ground together. I ordered the turkey burger, but I should have just stuck with the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich with bleu cheese dressing. The bun on my turkery burger was so big, it must have weighed a pound. It was huge! Taste wise, it was okay though.

That was my day. Uninteresting until Jeff Lang, then back to normal. But the sleep was definitely good... of course, that means I won't be going to sleep tonight until after 4am again. Oh well, we'll figure something out.

New Baby

Last night, my husband brought home a new baby. He's not mine yet, but I have high hopes. He had to be cleaned up a bit, we'll probably have to get a new battery, and I'm hoping to get one of those fancy schmancy stands that swivel as well, but I may soon have a brand new used computer.

It's so purty! It's nice and has a grey case and is small. I thought I'd hate a small computer. I'm always looking at the widescreens, but when I was playing with Mac last night (that's his name, Mac), I not only liked it, but it was a great complement to my office because its screen was everything I have now, but it was small enough to see the television screen without stretching or sitting at odd angles. I can watch and type at the same time!

My husband has told me several times which computer it is. It's a 12" Powerbook. If I can find a picture, I'll scrounge it up for you. I'm really excited about it. It's much faster, so I can do all my searching, watching, listening and writing without the irritating lag I've experienced with my Dell. I'm so happy right now... I could cry... but I don't do that.

I'm Sorry

Now that I've become a big time television watcher writer, I act like I don't have time to update you guys. I should have time, as much time as I spend on this computer, but I don't. I think it's just that I don't take the time, like I'm doing now. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to keep coming here if I publish once a month and some of you rely on this site (or my Xanga) to keep up with me. Well, I have to admit, I use Xanga more because a majority of my family is on it, but I will not forget you 3 people who check this site to see what's up.

So, what's up? Not much. We're broke because I'm not making any money. I am choking on finding a paying writing job. What I do know how to get started doing, I don't think I'm ready for it and what I think I could do, I don't know how to break in. I'm just going to have to start failing so that I can get used to the feeling and get over the fear. I am definitely growing in the writing department (with many edits). I am beginning to think again. I know that sounds weird and if I've already written this, I'm sorry you have to hear it again, but I feel like I put my brain on hold for a long time and it's amazing to me that I did it. Now that it's opening up, it's craving reading material. I am reading (bigben, you should get your book back real soon... well, I should be done soon, I don't know how soon we will be up there) more, writing more, having more ideas. The other day, I had other people in my head again, carrying on conversations, almost like I used to have all the time, but these people were too far away for me to hear them and write it down. I am also getting alot of information, learning the things that interest me, trying to keep up with the trends of these interests. The funny thing is I thought of my interests and wrote them down, and when I asked my husband what he thought my interests were, he doubled my list because I just hadn't considered some things I do all the time as true interests. Like food. I love food, finding new recipes, cooking, etc., but I never considered it a write-able interest because I think of it as something I do for us. I want to try different things to increase my skill as a cook, not write about it. But I can write about it, I discovered. It's just things like this that I've always loved and now I get to look at it in a different way.

I'm still getting published in the 11th Hour and Macon Food. I'm writing in MF for Joshua Cup. I'd like to do more promotional writing, maybe write profiles for bands, something like that. I definitely want to write television show reviews, heck, a television show period. I need to find a director who not only loves my writing, but is willing to work with me on any project that I come up with. Of course, this would mean woring extremely hard for no money, so that's why the director has to want it too. I can find the actors, I can find other writers, I can find places to film, I can even find places to show it and if it is well received, even some funding.

Ah well, this day goes well. I've been going to sleep at 6am, which doesn't bode well for getting up at 9am or 10am... or on Wednesdays, 8:30am. I wish I could go to sleep earlier and get up earlier. I still have so much work to do, but most of the day is gone before I get up and then my television viewing and reviewing time comes and that's it until tomorrow. Watching 2-5 shows a night (and writing about them) is alot of work. But it's exciting to me, and when I get comments from people where conversations are sparked, or people just love what I've written, it's awesome for me. Anyway, that's it for today. See you tomorrow!

Happy Anniversary

Star Trek is 40.

Oprah is 20... the show, not the woman. So is Aliens (the movie, not the beings)

I,and Charlie's Angels (again, the television show, not the women, no matter what they wanted us to think at the Emmys), am 30.

To many round numbers.

It's crazy when the things you loved age you. I remember watching Oprah as a youngster. It didn't seem so long ago, a few seasons, but suddenly it's 20 years that she's being doing this. And what have I been doing? Following a dream, long deferred by time or my stubborn indifference. Time is not a shallow river, or slow moving, but swift and dangerous. Will I be safe in the transport I've chosen, or will it be dashed against the rocks, spilling me and all my efforts unmercifully into the rapids? But I'll be alright. I've chosen this course when I could have stayed on the ground. I picked this option when it was put before me. I'll accept the consequences be it journey's end or a bruising soak. There will be no drowning. I've got my life vest and enough sense to hold my breath if I go under.

Where Are Your Shoes?

Every day, I get emails from a group I'm a part of that helps me keep some priorities straight. When I am writing/online looking things up, I tend to think of nothing else and suddenly, it's 8pm or 10 o'clock and time to eat/watch tv/make the bed. I don't clean, or straighten like I should. So this site reminds me that I want to do these things and if they're not already done, I do them.

One of the reminders is for me to put on my shoes. The idea is that if you have on your shoes, you are more professional in your conversation, you are ready to leave at a moment's notice, you are prepared for the day.

I am not a shoe person. I wear flip-flops during the summer. Almost exclusively. If I have to walk around downtown, then I wear sneakers, but I absolutely hate doing so. There is no way I'm going to be sitting at home in shoes when my feet can be free. I felt bad for a while because the site has helped so much in other areas. My home is cleaner, I don't feel so overwhelmed when it comes to housework, and I am able to do what needs to be done and concentrate on my work when my housework is done. And even though my home is by no means spotless, my daily housework gets done. So, maybe I should put on the shoes so that my professionalism would know no bounds. Today, I realized something.

I don't need shoes to be more professional, to be ready to go. I can easily walk outside with no shoes on and feel fine, no shame in it. So what have I always used to signify that I am working? What do I do at the end of the day that is my signal that my work is done, I can relax? It has be taking off my bra.

Now, I hate bras almost as much as I hate shoes, but since the unfortunate growing incident of 2003, I have had to wear bras. Where once I didn't, now I do. So I have decided I am in professional mode when I get up and, along with all my other activities, I put on a bra before I start my day at the computer. When it it time to watch tv when my day is done, it's off with the bra. And really, it is my biggest reminder that I am working. When I worked outside of the home, being home was bra-less time. Not so much anymore. So when they ask where my shoes are for the day, I will make sure I have on my bra before I start making up people who live in a universe only I create.

Spam

I hate getting spam, but if you're going to send it to me, at least spell erexxxion correctly!

Wikipedia Laugh of the Day

I went to Wikipedia to look up the movie Frequency. When I got to the end, I found this gem:

A similar plot was used in the TV soap opera Port Charles in 2001, with Frank Scanlon (Jay Pickett) using a 1973 computer to warn a girl named "Cookie" not to sleep with Scott Baldwin (Kin Shriner) after a high school dance, but this prevents the birth of his present-day girlfriend, Dr. Karen Wexler (Marie Wilson). In typical soap opera fashion, however, the plot gets more convoluted, with the now-never-existing Karen being the only possible bone-marrow donor for her dying mother, and Frank seeks out a voodoo priest to send him back in time to keep Cookie from using the computer to talk to him in the future.

What? A real storyline for a soap opera? For serious?

Published Writer

That's me. Some of you may have missed my story on the Dempsey Hotel in the 11th Hour. That's okay. There's http://www.11thhouronline.com for you to go to so if I were to have other stories, especially feature stories, you could read it there. I think they just disable the stories when that two weeks is up. Sorry I didn't tell you guys about it (the both of you). I also have an advert piece in Macon Food for the coffee shop I used to work for.

Now that I'm published, pray that I begin to get paid for it! Or don't.

As ifner it was a Sprite

For some strange reason, I've always thought Ginger Ale was some generic, hybrid off shoot of the carbonated lemon-lime beverage, like Sprite or Sierra Mist - or maybe a weird mixture with 7up. I don't know how I came to this opinion, but the other day, I was proven dramatically wrong. Dramatically, because what was common knowledge to everyone else was about to kick me in the teeth. I poured myself a glass of Ginger Ale and proceeded to gulp it down like I would have it was Sprite. That Ginger Ale basically tried to kick my butt on the way down my throat. It was so strongly carbonated, so intense, I almost shouted and cried from the strength of it. The Honey, standing, watching me (probably laughing at my faces) was there as further proof when I said, "I didn't know it was that strong." "What'd you think it was like?" he asked. "Sprite," I said. He walked away, laughing and shaking his head. Now, two weeks later, I am able to enjoy my Ginger Ale on the same level as Sprite. While it has definitely weakened, it still has enough fizz to make me believe it's all good.

Good Lord!

Someone's getting serious about drinking and driving. Check out these new ads.

Courtesy of Kevin

Abstinence Education

I teach abstinence education, which is hard, not only because the kids I talk to don't really believe in it, but most of the adults don't either. The adults usually give me this look, like I'm too idealistic. They tell me that kids can't/won't control themselves, so it is our responsibility to teach them how to be safer. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one being realistic. I look at the things that are happening to people who start on this path and it makes me sad that other people aren't themselves educated. And if they do know the risks, it makes me sad that it's more than education that people need to protect themselves.

I always feel this white hot ball of anger rise up when people tell me that youth can't choose to be abstinent. I know that in the neighborhoods where I teach/speak, kids choosing abstinence is on the low side. People talk about education being the way out of the rise in STDs and teen pregnancy, yet the same people are continually recreating dangerous behaviour. They need more than education. They need role models. They need someone who will show them that its possible to go another route.

But it's more than a "someone shows up in your neighborhood" kind of thing. It's something that involves everyone. From artists who have a much larger influence on the population than they could imagine to the speakers who spend an hour of their lives once with 500 people, there needs to be some sort of recognition of the state of youth, why they believe they are safe and what happens once they realize they're not.

All of that to say that whenever I teach teenagers I have a hell of a time getting through to them and when I do, it's so rewarding. I had to teach a group of teens the other day, only the boys this time and I dreaded it. When tall the kids are together, they cannot be handled with kid gloves. Sometimes voice raising comes in handy. Well, this time, it's me in the room with a bunch of boys who are more than happy to talk about sex. I easily have their attention as I ask questions and they give the correct answer, although we venture into other areas, because the program I work with focuses on the things you want to do instead of sex. I'm not talking about taking a cold shower, I'm talking about the future goals you have so that sex is the last thought on your mind because you want to get your degree or a house or just your own car before you have to think about providing for a baby. We also teach those "safety" measure that somehow always find at least one chance to fail because they are not 100% effective; yes, they hear about them. We don't discriminate. We want to reduce and/or stop the ravages of disease. ARrrrrgh... digression.

Anyway, we get off topic and start talking about video games. One kid says, "Mrs. This Girl, you don' t look like the type to play video games." I'm not. He is absolutely correct. They all laughed when I described myself as a nerd. They didn't believe it because now i'm a babe, but I told them about my problems with the Sunshine world on Gamecube and this digression must have been God sent because they opened up to me in a way I'd never had a group of teen guys do. Now, I realize that without girls to try to impress, I got them alot more down to earth than they would ever be with girls present, but it was nice and refreshing. And when, at the end of the class, one of the guys was talking to me and *listening* to what I was saying, his face earnest, I felt more rewarded than I'd ever felt in this job.

This reminds me of my wedding pictures...

from A Socialite's Life

When we got our wedding pictures, I remember looking through them and wondering how in the world my husband could look so perfect while I looked like I was trying to regurgitate a cat. This heartens me. Apparently, being good looking doesn't make you any more camera ready than the rest of us. Unless you're Gabriel Aubry... or The Honey.

P.S. My husband, he looks better than this man.

P.P.S. Click on link to see a bigger picture.

Blogged with Flock

Summer's Here

It's hot as hell. I find myself wondering if it has always been this hot here. I know it has, yet I wonder why I block it, like some dark secret from my past. Somehow, I find myself in the heat and I feel like I'm there more than I've ever been. I try to think back to times when I was actually doing things in this heat, swimming or tennis with humidity so high, every adult is on stroke watch. I remember those time, but I can't feel those times.

We had another couple visit us this weekend. I thought grilling out would be the easiest thing. A few hotdogs, brats, hamburgers, enjoying the lake, that would be awesome. Of course, it would have been more awesome if we had done it two months ago instead of this past Saturday. Not only was it extremely hot (I heard 99 degrees, but my stars it had to be hotter than that), I was out in the heat all day. The best part was the conflagration that was my grill. Add the heat of the day and I think I tanned a shade darker in 10 minutes, right when my charcoal briquets started to get that nice ash around them. Yet my first, big girl "all by myself" grilling experience went well. I want my own grill so that I can sit in the air conditioning while food is grilling, but enjoy the lake view if I want, because no matter what anyone says, sweat is sweat, whether we southern girls also "glisten" or not.

Long Time Coming

I love my new toenail polish. I notice my feet and I remember how much I like them. I like my feet. They have been the one thing about my body that I've consistently liked. It feels good to have something other than pink sparkle on my toes. I'm concentrating on my toes, looking at them so long, they almost become alien. Two friends of mine are having babies soon. One of them already has a two year old son, who is beautiful and smart. The other friend got married six months after I did. She's due in six months. I haven't felt this close and this far from grown up, ever. All of my friends are married. They're having kids and becoming entirely different people. Change has to happen, and it's interesting to see what is changing. One of my friends, J., said that I'd lost my edge. I didn't agree with him initially because I felt the same. It wasn't until later that I realized I had lost a bit of my edge simply because I didn't need it to protect me anymore. I'd finally met someone who was doing it all for me. I didn't ever realize I'd stop protecting myself, that I'd subconsciously given my husband permission to do so, and that I could let him do it without worrying that he wouldn't do a good job.

Marriage isn't the only thing that causes change. Time. Age. Sensibility. Even if you don't change as a result of new things in your own life, you are forced to change because of the people around you. My friends no longer had me all to themselves. My mom was no longer the strongest voice in my life. They had to adapt. So what's the biggest change you've had to make? What's the biggest change someone has made because of you? What was the biggest influence for change in your life?

When I look at my feet, I'm glad I still like them. My body is changing because I'm getting older, my metabolism is slowing down and my sedentary lifestyle and mediocre eating habits are getting the better of the rest of my body. I am trying to honor my body and live a good, long life (I still intend to enjoy it) by exercising and changing my diet. But my feet are still pretty. The green polish is radiant on my toes. They are pretty and I'm glad that hasn't changed.

Writers Write

Writing is such a big deal and I feel, everyday, as if I am falling flat on my face. Despite not having to work, I still feel like I don't have enough time to do all the things that I should be doing to be a successful writer. I don't read like I should, I watch more tv than anybody I know personally. Though I would like to write television shows, I hated living in California. So right now, the best I can hope for when it comes to television writing is a bunch of people who want so badly to write, direct and produce a television show that they are willing to do it for no pay with their own money. It is an expensive and time consuming endeavor. I would do it in a heartbeat.

The problem, mainly, is that I don't know which direction I want to go in. Writing articles is the way most writers go because it's instant gratification... well, instant as in you get paid per article, you don't necessarily have to have an agent, you can track down the work yourself, etc. Writing books requires an enormous investment of time, and may or may not be successful. It is harder to find an agent, a market, etc. Yet while finding a direction is a problem, my second problem is wanting to see the way RightNow. It is disconcerting to be in a place where the possible results of my work aren't even conceivable. I do not know where I am going. I have no idea what my goal is. When I worked at the milk and cookie shop, I knew that I wanted to manage it, so all of my thoughts, work, everything went to making that goal a reality. What is my new forward momentum now? What is my new direction?

I tell people I want to be a writer. They say, what do you write. I don't know where to begin. I dabble in short stories (I've been writing short stories since I was 13. Before that I wrote poetry.) and have a wonderful opportunity to work on article writing, but I let my writing muscles atrophy because I let myself believe what countless people told me growing up. Don't be a writer, be a teacher. I tried that route, but was not satisfied in it, although I love to teach and my ultimate goal involves teaching and writing. No, what was not satisfying was that I felt I should stifle my writing urges because I knew, otherwise, they would take over. It is not a pretty thing to give in to the voices in your head. I told my husband once that I would have stories going on in there all the time, characters talking, actions being acted out, for good or evil. I worked hard to stop it and one day the stories stopped. I regret that now.

I don't know how to turn it back on, to reach into the recesses for the people who lived there, whose lives were entertaining, where things happened so quickly I couldn't write it down. It was an ongoing story line. My dreams are even wimping out on me, not providing the fodder for writing they once did. As I look back through old notebooks of old stories, I cringe, but I long for the time when I wrote what I saw, good or bad, and was able to craft them into the stories that made my family believe in me even when there was no other evidence to support that belief.

So I will follow the mantra that many writers follow: Writers write. There is nothing else to do. There is no other course. And with the writing must come the patience to let myself develop from this ugly writing duckling into a beautiful author swan.

Obsessions

I have had various obsessions over the years. They usually involve some sort of cheese product (cheetos, chees-ums, cheese) or chocolate (peanut butter m&ms, regular m&ms, chocolate). I had a strange obsessions with Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds that was almost possessive. I would always have at least two boxes in the house. Anyway, the real reason you're here: My current obsessions.

Right now, I would really like a shiny new MacBook. I have been looking forward to this since before MacWorld in January. I've been wanting a new laptop and thought about getting an iBook. After they got rid of the eMacs and came out with the new iMacs, my husband realized they were probably going to upgrade the iBook, so I waited... and waited... and waited. I got up early on that Tuesday, waiting to hear Steve Jobs announce the new iBook. What he introduced was the MacBook Pro and while I would have loved to get one of those, I didn't need (nor could I afford) a professional strength laptop. No, I wanted the less expensive, consumer model. I was so disappointed. I'm not sure If I'd ever been so disappointed by electronics. Every whisper of an Apple Event made me long for the new iBook. Then, quietly, Apple slides the new iBook, all shiny and white (and black if you'd like) onto their website without any fanfare and again, I'm brought to tears, but the happy kind. So, we are going to a wedding this weekend and on the way back, we will stop at the Apple Store and I will get to tap my fingers across the very beautiful, simple keyboard and ask my silly, technewb questions and nerd out about the writing software I can get for it and maybe, if the sun is shining, I will get a new MacBook and if the sun isn't, then I will get it in a few months when it is much more reasonable. But obsessions aren't reasonable and I'm sorry, honey, for always talking about it.

So, your turn. And if you're scared that your obsession is closer to my cheese obsession than to my MacBook obsession, then here's my other obsession. Magic Shell. Especially Reese's Magic Shell. Even though there is no peanut butter in the recipe, nor does it warn against peanut allergies, so, scary. But it's so good and slightly addictive. As we all know. Now share. Thanks!

Last Meal

I have an affinity to Asian foods. The sauces, the noodles. I love Japanese foods, spicy Thai foods. I tried crab rangoon once and now my judgement of a restaurant rests on their crab rangoon. I adore Italian food. It is the ultimate in guilty pleasure. Pasta, cheese, cheese, meats, sauces. Italian food is my comfort food, food I nominated most likely to make me smile on a rainy night. Of course, there's nothing like hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill, traditional southern food, fried chicken, collard greens, mashed potatoes, sweet tea, sweet potato pie, barbecued pork...

I love food, from great to small. It would be hard for me to choose my last meal, the last meal I would ever have to taste, the last thing that I have in my memory, from my memories of the life I've lived. The last meal started as kind of a karmic/superstitious attempt by the law enforcement group to have a clear conscience in putting a criminal to death. It was a time of celebration because the prisoner's acceptance of the food said he forgave them for what they were about to do. It was the prisoner's last chance to be with family, to experience the life they threw away.

My choice of food would have alot to do with the life I've lived, starting from when I was little until now. Foods that I've eaten at important times of my life, foods that have garnered praise for me. For me, this will take alot of thought. What about you? What would you last meal be, or include?

Am I Crazy...

... or are the new Mac ads hilarious? After watching them all a couple of time, the virus one is the funniest.

Of course, Mac is following in a long line of commercials that feature the preferred product as the young, slightly tossled hipster and the competing product as a slightly more fuddy duddy character. Based on the commercial, it is hilarious how clueless PC makers and users are. The fact that these commercials will go much further than researching products in changing the minds of the public about Macs is good for Mac and sad for us.

Most people I know hate their PCs. They get tired of the crashing, the viruses, the constant ad-mail checks, etc. They want something that just works. Yet most of these people never consider Macs because they are more comfortable with windows. Let me tell you, it would take less time to learn the new OS X operating system and save you frustration in the long run than it would take using AVG to scan your computer for viruses.

So, Bravo, Mac. Your use of current trends to turn people to you will work. Hopefully, it will not change the way you make computers.

Jesus, Judas, Spring Festivals

I haven't read the Gospel of Judas, but I've read all about other people reading about it. They have some interesting hypotheses, one of which is that Jesus commissioned Judas to betray him. There's just one problem with that theory in my mind.

The hanging.

Now, I can understand where it all comes from. Nobody wants a bad guy in the story of Jesus. Judas was just doing what Jesus said, blah blah blah. But let me tell you something. I've often been the bearer of bad news for others who have maligned me because I believed that what needed to be said or done was encouraged by the Holy Spirit. Now, believe me or not, that's not the issue. This is not a debate as to whether God speaks now or not or how He speaks when He does. This is an issue of stance. If the God of the Universe tells me to do something, something I would write about, I damn well won't be hanging myself because you don't like it.

Now, the secret knowledge that Jesus gave to Judas. You mean the same secret knowledge He gave to all the disciples, or just the secret knowledge that Judas took to the grave. Was this secret knowledge not worth living for, worth sharing. You'd think someone who had Christ's secret knowledge would also have is mission. Or does it insinuate that Judas only mission was getting Jesus killed for the sake of all eternity and salvation.

Some people say that Jesus telling Judas to betray Him is not outside of what scripture already reveals, and I agree. But scripture also tells us that Judas fulfills scripture by buying the land and killing himself. I don't think killing remorse is a sign of special revelation.

Maybe I'm just crazy.

A church I know is having a Spring Festival for Easter. And that makes me laugh.

I love candy and I love routine. I like knowing that every year, there is something I'm doing. So that means, every Easter season, I'm on the look out for Whoppers Robin Eggs. If you've never had them, then you are truly missing out.

My mom used to always have whoppers in the house. You know, the chocolate covered malt balls in what looks like it could be a milk container, but all the wrong colours. They were special treats and if we were spry enough, we could sneak more than she'd give away. One year, when I was buying my own candy, I spied a bag of Whoppers Robin Eggs and thought to give them a try. They have been a tradition ever since, about ten years now. It's kind of an obsession, the way I keep and eye out for them whenever supermarkets start throwing up pastel on one aisle. It's way cheaper to get them at Walmart and sometimes you have to because Kroger runs out. But what I like to do is buy them when they're 50 cents on sale after Easter. I pick up two bags of them and I'm satisfied for at least two day after Easter. I'm addicted.

This year, I passed the addiction on. The Honey had never had them. 4 bags later, he's eating them like he came up with them and that makes me happy. But hey, I'm not the only one obsessed with Whopper Eggs. You can even buy them on Ebay. However, I don't buy them later than the day after Easter, because otherwise, why else would I look forward to Easter?

SuperBusy

That's what I think my new superhero name should be.

I'm driving myself crazy with busy-ness and sometimes I feel like I will shut down at any second. I don't have the will to stop doing all the things I am doing.

I've been working out. Although I feel good about my body, it is killing me. When I started, when I felt less stressed, I would come away from a workout feeling re-energized. But now, I am just more exhausted. At least I get so tired that I go to sleep alot earlier than usual. I'm hoping that after May, I will be out of that cycle.

I'm keeping some of my writing goals that I make daily. I'm teaching myself to write the things I want to write, I'm working on my television scripts. I actually sat down and went through the paper for story ideas. I think I'm going to subscribe to the Sunday New York Times. I got alot of ideas from a couple of weeks ago. The AJC is good too, but not as diverse. It could be better though. I still don't have a specific time I sit and write, nor the discipline that I need for doing the type of writing I want to do. I'll get it though.

We are moving. Our new apartment is being worked on now and we will move in completely by May 1, but they are trying to get it ready by mid April. So, I will have to start using my free time (ha!) to start packing/throwing things away. I have alot of books. And clothes. And junk. I feel sorry for me.

I don't know what I'm doing...

... but I've had to delete several posts because when I bring my page up in Firefox, it is not lined up correctly. Has anyone noticed this over the last few weeks?

It's starting to make me mad. I'm not even sure what is happening, but certain posts have something in them that is making them unreadable on my site. I wish I knew.

Signs of Life

Do you ever feel like you're so busy that every time you think of one thing you want to do, you can think of at least six things you should be doing instead? Do you ever feel like you've spent the life delegating the bulk of your responsibility to yourself to the backburner and take care of everyone else first... that you do it so much you begin to think that taking care of everyone else IS the bulk of your responsibility?

When do you say enough is enough? When do you start doing the 1 thing you want to do for yourself? Soon enough I say. But it's never as soon as I would like.

Life is good, for those who are wondering. I am not sure if the video that we were shooting is as good as we'd like or if it is something we'd like to continue. That makes me sad. I wish we'd kept all the people who were helping, but we weren't able to. The good thing is knowing what you really, actually need when trying to shoot a sitcom. Maybe I'll be able to get something done later, but for now, it looks like a lost cause.

Writing is going well. I've started interning for a local entertainment newspaper (unpaid of course) and I will have a few things in it, even if it is just the calendar.

I'm working out... which means I actually get sleepy at night, so I'm not so insomniac... yet it is 5am and I have yet to go to bed, though I've been yawning since 7:30.

I woke up lucid for my Wednesday morning Bible Study. There's hope for God yet.

I am so in love with my husband, it makes the pragmatic non-romantic in me sick. And I don't care.

Well, that's the quick update. Keep reading my sidebar...

What up with my site?

If anyone else sees something wrong with my website, please let me know. Right now, it looks like an idiot.

Update: One post was throwing the entire site off. If you left a comment, please know that I didn't delete it on purpose. Comment away everyone!

Skinny, Lovable Nerd

"Don was a small man... but everything else about him was large: his mind, his expressions," Griffith told The Associated Press on Saturday. "Don was special. There's nobody like him. I loved him very much," Griffith added. "We had a long and wonderful life together."

When I was about 12 years old, we started watching television. My parents had always had a television and there was a broken television in our room where we put all the blankets. I'm not sure why it was broken or why we still had it.

If we wanted to watch television previous to my 12th birthday, we had to sneak into our parents bedroom, turn the television on at low volume and slink down below the edge of the bed. Our parents were incredibly hard sleepers. We only did this on Saturdays because it was the only day worth getting a whipping over being caught watching tv.

When I was 12, we moved into a new house, with enough room for the girls to have their own room, the boys to have their own and our parents had theirs. We had a real, ho nest to goodness living room, a really big kitchen and a dining area. And a brand new television.

My parents put the television in the girls room, the room closest to theirs so they could break up any "it's my turn" television bickering. For the most part, we got along. No one wanted to stop watching Saturday morning cartoons, music videos, or wrestling.

One day, I turned the television on and I see Don Knotts dressed as a gun slinger, though a nerdy one at that. A woman shoots a gun and everyone thinks Don did it. I watch the movie and laugh my way through it. He sure did look funny in The Shakiest Gun In The West. Then I watched The Incredible Mr. Limpet and The Ghost and Mr. Chicken. I'm pretty sure I watched all of these movies in one sitting. I loved them. I started watching the Andy Griffith Show and fell in love with the characters, the stories, the sense of humour, the theme song.

Some people say The Andy Griffith Show wasn't complete once Don Knotts left it in 1965. I can believe it. I've only seen the episodes he's in. I loved the nervous way he was, the facial expressions, his erratic movements. It was all a part of his comedy. And when I was older and moved to Matlock (watching this, more than turning 30, shows my age) I was glad, in the later seasons, to see Don Knotts and Andy Griffith together again.

Don Knotts has been around for a while, making us laugh with his various antics, and that has not lessened as he's aged. I have seen brief glimpses from his time in the Steve Allen era of the tonight show and he was funny. He's always been funny. Funnier than most people have the right to be, funny without saying a word. Even in his later work, he made his age work for him. His death does not take his comedy away, but for a little while, the enjoyment will be less.

Of course, I haven't forgotten Mr. Furley. The eyes, the suits, the naivete. RIP Don Knotts.

Lost

I've been interested in Lost since the first season, but I never got a chance to watch it, since I work nights and don't have Tivo or a DVR.

I'm a loser.

Anyway, fortunately for me, Lost released the first season on DVD shortly before the second season started. I came home from work and for 4 days all I watch is Lost Season 1. It was pretty darned good, so when the 2nd season started, I was waiting expectantly. My husband, however, was not. He watched the first three episodes and thought the show was awful. Then, somehow, he convinced himself to watch the first season. He did and it changed his life.

Every Thursday is Lost day... not because it comes on Thursday, but because iTunes Music Store sells the episodes so that we never have to miss a show again. Yes, we are a day later than everyone else in the world who watches it on Wednesday, but we get to see it relatively soon, versus getting it on video. I have the entire first season and all the current episodes on my iPod now. I have been listening to Lost podcasts to get into all the theories, because I have my own theories.

What I hate is I never see the clues that everyone else sees. It's slightly irritating. But only slightly. Because now I can just go back and watch the episode. It's exhilirating. But what I hate about it is that I have to wait once I'm done with the current episode. The one thing I like about being able to buy whole seasons on iTunes Music Store (iTMS) is that I can watch it at my leisure. I wish I had the patience to wait until the season was done. I could watch it all at once and when an episode begs me to wait impatiently for the next show, I would like to be able to click the "next" arrow and see it. That's what I did with Arrested Development... well, not for my iPod, just for my computer.

Speaking of Arrested Development, did anyone see the season finale? It was soooo funny. I hope they continue the show in some form. It would be really interesting if they did an online show. It would be interesting if they did a show on cable television... I wonder if iTMS would get the show. If it would, I would be spending hard earned money downloading it. I love technology.

Ah well, I had something much more intelligent to say about Arrested Development. No, I didn't. But I'd like to think I did.

1 year 6 months with him

Yes, God loves me, this I know. But when it comes to Valentine's Day, me and God have never seen eye to eye. While God supports love, I'm ever derisive of the flowers that cost too much and the candy that is in heart shaped boxes and the red and pink aisles that magically appear after Christmas/New Year's Day (which is one holiday now).

I used to have Anti-Valentine's Day parties, where I would cook all day to make sure that there was too much garlic in my famous artichoke-spinach dip (and plenty of cheese - I am still me after all) and cookies that had discouraging love messages and we would watch movies that showed you what love could be about. Like What Lies Beneath.

Then, last year, I realized something really important. My half year wedding celebration occurred 6 months after my Aug. 14 wedding. On Feb. 14. On Valentine's Day. I know God got a good laugh out of this. I wonder if he's been planning it since the foundation of the world, which would be funny, and almost as rewarding as when He planned my salvation. Almost. I kinda had to give God credit, cause he got me then. I now have to celebrate V-Day to some extent. The head baker remembers my half year celebration because of my immense hatred of Valentine's Day. My husband still laughs at me because I don't want flowers for that day. But he was sweet. He gave me an iPod with video as a gift. I wanted one. I've been begging for one. We sold my mini to get me one. And now I have it. It was the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever gotten. But I got it the Sunday before V-Day. Which made me especially happy.

At 3am after V-Day had slowly died it's death and it was the 15th, my husband pulled me close to him and asked me if it was really okay that he didn't get me anything for V-Day. I said, of course. I don't need no stinkin' roses to let me know you love me. He smiled as only a guy who had been let off the hook by the woman he most loved in the world would. Now, don't be fooled. I'm high maintenance. I want to go on a cruise for our 2 year anniversary. I just don't need anything for V-Day.

But I really love my iPod.

Driving

I believe that you have the right to drive any speed that you wish. If the street is a 45mph zone, you can drive 25 mph if you want to. But they have a lane for you. It's called the slow lane. Get outta my way!

Walking Around Barnes and Noble

I was walking around Barnes and Noble earlier today and I saw a guy who looked pregnant walking around too. I was trying to figure out what he was wearing and a thought came to me.

If you're walking around wearing something whose only description is a "greatcoat", you are a nerd.

Then I thought:
If you know what a "greatcoat" is, you are a nerd.

*sigh*

Young Chuck Norris

I know this has been going around the internet for a while, but since WE watch it every morning for our daily laugh, I thought you should watch it this morning.

Well, even though its 2:47pm, it is morning to us. Enjoy Young Chuck Norris

Thus ends the saga

Not of Brewed, but of the struggle for Brewed. We were watching the raw, unedited footage and it is funny. We will be filming next weekend and could definitely use some extras! We need ninjas. And a big guy in a trenchcoat. And a glowstick ninja. It is definitely a silly show, but we are having fun.

Well, we are having fun now that we know that what we did today was good. Not excellent. It's not going to win us any awards, but it is good. I can't wait to finish it.

In other news, I'm looking at starting a part time writing business, so I'm learning how to make a business plan for a home based writing business, studying more writing so that I can eventually sell to magazines. I'm trying to come up with ideas for the local magazines and indie newspapers so that I can develop a clips portfolio. I'm trying to narrow down my fields of expertise... coffee and abstinence education... I've worked with coffee for 5 years and I taught abstinence education for 4 years. I'm also going to look into creative writing contests and developing my own book of short stories.

I'm still working on my lowly sock, but I can't show them to you because my camera hates me. Again. I have to get a better one and that will be a while. I can't wait to get one though because I have an idea for a picture blogsite and I can't wait to do it. I have a capelet design that I should have started on two months ago, but very beautiful grey and wine, soft wool yarn are stashed in my closet, waiting for me to care for them. The capelet design is a bit more complicated than I am used to, but hopefully, I will get some new yarn soon *hint hint*

Ah well, all's well that ends well. Our own commenter, Kevin, was there and did and excellent job as a pissed off customer. I can't wait to write the show where he comes back and gives as good as he got!

Bim and Daniel returned and did an excellent job. You'll get your chance for revenge Bim! We looked at the footage and your scenes were awesome. We should be able to use them just fine, no worries. We missed Aubrey and April, but we understand when life takes you towards your goals. I hope you guys enjoyed your day! I'm so happy to have this week behind me. It could have been an ulcer inspiring week. But it is over and the sense of accomplishment I feel for my first directing and writing job is... awesome.

Anyway, it's beddy bye time. Goodnight all.

Brewed2

I could see it all falling apart. The realization that this was going to take much longer than we expected, that we really needed more people for extras, the let down feeling when the people who'd promise to show up didn't.

It would have been enough to break the average production down. But with this seeming failure, we've found our beginning. So, we will be delayed by a couple of weeks, but the delay has done nothing but make us realize our dream can finally happen.

I was so exhausted after the shooting. Our extras from Valdosta were the most fantastic people who's interest in what we were doing far outweighed any impatience that waiting all day could bring. They were game to participating when they thought they'd only be sitting around and added one of everyone's favorite line, which will now be part of the script. Thanks Bim! Daniel, Aubrey, and April, you guys rocked all of our socks off!

Two guys walked into the shooting location because they knew the guy playing our homeless guy. Not knowing this, seeing two new faces, I put them in roles and they did them without question. Later on, on asking them how they came to hear about our shooting, they told me they were just saying hello to an old bandmate. I told them about the show and they will come in and be extras for us, hopefully on a regular basis. Thanks Jeremy and Colby! You guys rock too!

We have so much work to do. But now, we have a better understanding of what to do and how to do it. I'm still excited (now that I'm not so tired) and I can't wait to see what we come up with!

Brewed

For the last month and a half, we've been working on a video podcast. It's a sitcom situated in a coffee house. The main characters are the employees, but there are some crazy customers going through there as well. The people are normal everyday people with hopes and dreams and weaknesses... well, more weaknesses than anything, but it's been an incredibly fun experience. In that time, I've written 8 scripts. I've edited the first script alone 8 times. We are shooting that script this weekend. I'm too excited. I don't know what it's going to look like, but it will be a dream come true. I was head writer of my own sitcom. It will be online in a couple of weeks (fingers crossed!) and the whole world will get to see what we've come up with. Some of you will find it funny. Some of you won't. That's okay. I have to say it was the most fun I've had with a group of friends and strangers in a long time. The prospect of continuing this association excites me. My husband is, of course, the mastermind. I only work part time (approx. 25-30 hrs a week), but he works full time (40-50 hrs a week) and full time with this production. We've both had two jobs for a while now and we're super tired. So if you do this sort of thing, pray with us for strength, guidance, direction. Now would be a great time to have a church family, other people rooting for us from a knowledge and love of us, just like our families. So keep that in mind when you lift up those prayers.

We have been so incredibly blessed and we are so incredibly thankful for the last few months even if they have been tiring and trying. I am in no way complaining. I wouldn't have it any other way. So keep an eye out on this site for THE site and maybe you'll see something you find funny. Besides my typos. Don't say anything - it will hurt my feelings.

This Weekend

It's almost the weekend. It's almost time to begin shooting. I'm so excited about the table read, watching the actors read the lines we've crafted over the last month and a half. I can't believe we're at this point, and yet I'm so glad it's finally here. Are we wasting our time with a script that isn't funny? Or will the reading show that not only are we funnier than we thought, but the actors are awesome as well?

This weekend will tell. I'm so ready for it!

My Birthday

Yes, I am officially 30 years old. Let me tell you about all the wonderful things that happened on my birthday.

At midnight, The Honey came in to wish me a happy birthday. I explained to him that I wasn't born until 12:45pm, so we had another 12 hours to go before he could say happy birthday. He said my birthday was Jan. 2 and it started at midnight with hugs and kisses. I appreciated the hugs and kisses, but I still felt 30. I did some cleaning, straightening up, finally putting our new sheets on the bed. Then my husband picked out a movie he knew I would like and sat and watched it with me. Now, usually if he knows I will like a movie, he knows for a fact that he will not, so making this sacrifice for me, watching a movie he would loathe without saying a word... well, without saying many, many words anyway... showed me that he really wanted my happiness and to spend time with me doing something I would enjoy. This was at about 3am. We go to sleep and when we wake up, he wishes me a happy birthday. I don't feel well, but I didn't ask for the day off, partly because I'd forgotten, partly because I didn't know if I wanted to be off that day. So I was working. And I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday until the end of the night. If I had said it to everyone, I would have gotten better tips.

Anyway, at about 6:30, The Honey walks in with two bags in his hands and I don't recognize either one of them. He'd bought me a cake (chocolate with fudge icing), a book of the best short fiction of 2005 and a box of truffles from Godiva. MMMMMMMM. So I got some really great gifts. My manager at work got me a happy birthday balloon and a bookmark. So all my gifts are useful this year.

Now, I know that gifts aren't a sign of how much someone loves me, but I enjoy well thought out gifts that show you know me. Anyway, if anyone still wants to get me a gift, a subscription to Glimmertrain would be awesome, either the short story collection or the Writers Ask... both would be useful. Just letting the world know. I'll prolly subscribe myself within the next couple of weeks. I like the fiction they come out with.

Then my sister showed up and she spent the night at the apartment, hung out with me, we talked... she's going to be 21 this year. YIKES! I can't believe it. My little sister is growing up. And she wants to be in her apartment by herself for that time. She loves her time. Anyway, she is a very mature and insightful person, if a bit boy crazy, but fortunately even that's not severe. Anyway, other than knocking down a glass fixture from the chandelier over the table which shattered and broke in my birthday cake, everything was perfect! And that was my day.

Happy Birthday to me.

PS. The Honey called me several times throughout the night and he would say, "Hey, birthday girl" and everytime he said it, I was more excited about my birthday. It was the best birthday ever!

New Year's Eve

Last year, I got the Princess Diaries 2 as a Christmas gift. So I watched PD1 and PD2 yesterday... I made dinner for us (steak so we could taste the red wine someone gave us as a Christmas present) and watched the rest of PD2 afterwards. The Honey came into the room at the end of the film and saw me crying. Concerned, he rushes over. "What's wrong?" he asked. I paused and then said, "Clarisse isn't going to be queen anymore." He looked at me before starting to laugh. "I can't believe it."

The quote below from The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis (part of the Chronicles of Narnia) made me cry because sometimes I feel like that with God. When He makes Himself known through reading, or praying or such, all I can see are the things I didn't do for Him even though He asked it of me. You know, so relieved to hear from Him, yet so aware of your faults. Seeing change, knowing the old things have to go, the new things have to be put into place... it's very emotional. 25 hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like one day, I was 19 and then suddenly, I was 25. Since then, I've felt myself getting older.

My main thoughts are about my job. I don't want to just work at a milk and cookie store for the rest of my life. Oh, I want to be a writer. Lately, I've been doing that work, although I don't get paid for it. When I go to work, the job I get paid for, I am tired, stressed, and brought to a bad mood by rude customers (then I become rude and make some nice customers feel bad). Some days are better when people I like come in. All in all I think about the fact that I don't like the job enough to make a career out of just being behind the counter. Yet management doesn't treat me like I'm going to be any more. Oh, I've been invited on trips and given a title of sorts, but we don't meet, there are no attempts to cultivate me for management, etc.

But no matter what my work day is like, at midnight, I am rejuvenated. 3 days a week, at midnight, I get together with a group of people and we work on our show. We have four scripts done, two semi done and two on the way. I love this time of the day. I love figuring out plot problems, solving them, making the scripts funnier. I love it all. THIS is what I want to do forever. I love my job most days, I just don't love the direction it seems to be going in. and unless I begin making money writing... So, what to do? I guess we'll both be finding out together.

Happy New Year

"I have come," said a deep voice behind them. They turned and saw the Lion himself, so bright and real and strong that everything else began at once to look pale and shadowy compared with him. And in less time than it takes to breathe Jill forgot about the dead King of Narnia and remembered only how she had made Eustace fall over the cliff, and how she had helped to muff nearly all the signs, and about all the snappings and quarrellings. And she wanted to say, "I'm sorry" but she could not speak. Then the Lion drew them towards him with his eyes, and bent down and touched their pale faces with his tongue, and said:
"Think of that no more. I will not always be scolding. You have done the work for which I sent you into Narnia."